Tired Girl

Back from the doctors...whoa....yes that was extremely painful. I actually saw stars, and not like I have ever seen before, even when I closed my eyes...I think I almost passed out. It was kind of strange actually because I was holding my breath and he kept telling me to breathe and I thought NO if I open my mouth to breathe I will let out a blood curdling scream and that probably wouldn't be a good thing.

It only hurt while he was jabbing my chest with the needle locating the port. I can't wait to get this thing out of me...and I told him so! I'm talking about the expander... He filled it with 80ml..I couldn't take much more actually it hurt too much. So I go in a week i go for another fill up and he wants to try another 100ml. Then he said weekly after that about 50ml until we are where we want to be..should be a month or so.

Do I look different?...I will look later...

Hello Everyone!

I am home...very uneventful trip back, except for the 3 accidents we drove by and the body bag on the side of the road....(that was really bad). Had a lovely time in California...needed the rest and relaxation. Well I have to let everyone know, that yes I am insaine and we got a new dog! She is an english bull dog, and she speaks with a beautiful english accent! Her name is LOLA. My cousin Jason got her for me to help me heal. Everyone just loves her except for the cat. Not happy.

Sat by the ocean, listened to the waves, reflected on my life and threw up...no just kidding...I'm good! Every day is a new opportunity for me to live and learn and grow and I accept that challenge with a head held high, and a skip in my step.

I go to the doctor today for my first fill up! YeA! So, so happy. I am not sure if it is going to hurt or not, but I will let you know. It is so crazy too, because when I went to the doctor last week he used this magnet to locate the actual port and it is on the top of my breast and then that is where he puts the needle to put in the saline to expand the expander. Before and After pictures today...(not for public viewing on the internet at any later date or on Jerry Springer, or Youtube!)

I watched a movie last night called Crazy Beautiful with Kirsten Dunst and Jay Hernandez and I just love movies that say something, mean something even if it is just one line and this one line was great. Set up: She is crazy and beautiful, doesn't think she is worth being loved, and he loves her. Ok, now the line:

"There are millions of people out there and in the end it all comes down to one- I still panic sometimes and forget to breathe but I know, I know there is somethig beautiful in all the imperfections, a beauty which he held up for me to see. A strength that can never be taken away."

How amazing is that! He saw beauty in her imperfections, and held up the mirror for her to see. Let her know that you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to fit into a specific mold to be right or beautiful, but to see beauty in the imperfections of people and love them for it.....doesn't get much better than that!

Being able to step back and look at the whole picture, not standing at the picture with your nose up against it. You don't see much that way.

I think it makes another person stronger if you can love them besides all of their imperfections, without judging...just knowing that it is that part of them that makes them who they are, and that is why you love them.

Ray gets all crazy when I have to listen to the one line in the movie over and over....rewind, rewind, rewind, just so I can write it down. But in a movie...maybe just one line summarizes the whole story and it makes you understand and feel like you never felt before.

Of course I am all about words...all about making the world a better place...one word at a time!

Have a believable day!

Stacy

Hi everyone! Drove down to California with my kids yesterday. So I can't drive that well yet, but still can drive ok. My oldest drove the whole way, I sat up front, Berto and Chris were in the second row of seats and then my little one sat in the way back. The trip was essentially uneventful, except right before we left while driving throught the drive through of Starbucks, my kids were fighting. Now picture this: Amanda driving and ordering the drinks, but Berto wanted to pay and get his drinks, so he is in the back seat. So she orders and pulls up to pay, but Berto says to pull forward and he would pay. So both windows are down, the Starbucks attendant is waiting with an outstretched hand for the cash, and Amanda is yelling "give me the money dumb a**", and he says "pull the car forward you idiot" so as I look at the Starbucks attendant, I say: " I am just the mother of these two, a mother of a dumb A** and an Idiot", and he said without missing a beat, Lucky You! LMAO....(lauging my A** off.)

Ok so that was before we even got on the road. The drive was basically pleasant until the last hour. We stopped a few times to run around the car and use the restroom, but the last hour, I would have rather been a hood ornament at that point. Bugs in the teeth and all! Berto (who by the way is almost 18) is screeching in the back seat that he needs to go to the restroom, we have basically 3 exits until we get off of the freeway, and Amanda won't pull over, he says fine I'm still going to go to the restroom. He promptly pulls out his Gatorade bottle gulps down the remaining blue liquid and proceedes to use it as a portable urinal. Nice...it is a liter and a half bottle and yep he almost filled it up which he proudly displays to the whole car. My little one is in the back seat, retching....Chris is laughing so hard he can't even contain himself and Boo and I are just....well if we could get any closer to the front windshield, we would actually be part of it, while basically screeching so loud that even the dogs are wincing.

And you wonder why? But he was so proud! As he holds it up and says look a new flavour, you think if I just put it in the fridge someone would drink it? Uh no... because everyone who would, is in the car and saw where the new flavour of Gatorade came from...yes everyone, I am not joking, I really don't make this stuff up...and again as I pinch myself hard and regular....is my life!

So we pulled off the freeway, got to our destination and thank goodness....got rid of the new flavour of Gatorade!

But wait...the fun isn't over..it's ten o'clock and I get a call from Rob and he also is screeching in an unrecognizable high pitched voice.....he's watching the dogs and once again they dug to china...and there is water in the yard everywhere. He worked all day, went to softball, got to the house at 10pm and low and behold...a tsunami was in the backyard. Can you spell F-R-E-E-W-A-Y? Could have taken care of them for ya...SO while he was cleaning up and picking up the dog house to throw in the yard (with an 120lb beast still inside) he slipped and fell...he only has one leg..at least one good leg...torn ACL in the other...surgery scheduled for the 24th....and you wonder why he would attempt to shotput a dog house with a dog in it across the yard? Hmmm. don't quite get that...

I spoke to him a short while later, he was looking for valium in the house....well I'm no idiot...the little blue pills are with me...I was the one going on a road trip with the kids remember...they are in my Pez dispenser..not taking any chances there... nope! So he just settled for some benedryl...and ice on the knee..and I didn't hear from him again...

(There are no actors, There is no script...this is my life!)

Love everyone...

Stacy

And the saga continues....sitting in the family room folding the laundry Ray looks out the window and in the spa is a pigeon. Hmmm...I think I vaguely recognize this one...I think I made friends with him this morning on the roof. He told me a little about himself: He's 3, loves cool nights out, and loves to take a spa! As I looked a little closer...he was actually water logged and about to take a nose dive into the deep abiss of the spa.

Ray was jumping up and down we have to save him...(I at least owed him that much, we did have a conversation this morning on the roof and he was a cheery charachter!) So I went outside scooped him up with my hands out of the spa, I think he actually had sea legs at this point because he looked drunk when he was walking, or was that because I saw Berto pouring beer into the pool this morning? Hmmm...you wonder? Well we shuffled him off into a sunny corner of the yard and it was at that moment I heard a faint distict musical tune playing in the background and low and behold ANOTHER chinese market had set up in our yard. They waved again and smiled graciously.... As I turned to look, Cain the largest of the two beastly dogs was covered, I mean covered in mud his whole face and his paws up to his neck. He was just as happy as a pig covered in mud but he's a dog! Yes! He dug to China again, boy I can't wait to tell Rob to come over and fix the mess again...(please)

Well Rob is in the back yard, yelling for me to turn on the sprinkler system on again off again, on the phone with Berto...wondering where he is because he was supposed to fix this problem. But Cain moved the dog house and chose the same spot to dig in which in turn dug up the sprinkler system that Berto had fixed this morning...but now is a huge mess again. Can you spell F-R-E-E-W-A-Y.... I will be up again at 2:30 am this morning but just opening the gate and telling the dogs...go and be free..much like the pigeon. Who by the way we carried to the front yard and he graciously tipped his wing and waddled his wet ass across the street for a brief rest before he flew off into the sunset!

By the way the doctor appointment went well, drain is gone... didn't get a fill up today...start next week Monday at 12:30pm sharp! Yea!

So that's been my day so far..it's 6pm...I've had a yogurt and a bananna for dinner, and I would say I'm done!

Night!

Stacy

Good Morning ! Well where am I right now? Basically perched on the edge of the roof debating if I should jump, and I need to decide quick because these are tile roofs in Vegas, and it is already 80 degrees outside and I'm basically doing the "walk on fire dance"..... Hmmm. How is your day going?

Ok....breathe....faith, believe, and wisdom...in and out breathe...deep cleansing breaths.... Oh this has nothing to do with my health...that is doing just fine, infact I go to the doctor in an hour for drain removal...how gross does that sound?

This has to do with my current surroundings. I was up all night because of the dogs. The two rottweiler/dobie mixes that Rob had to have and I knew that they would grow up to be complete barking, cr*pping, destructive beasts.

So picture this if you may: 2:30 am me running around the back yard trying to get the dogs into their yard. WHY you ask? Well they were whining and crying and no one would get up to see why...so I thought I would just take a peek. They didn't have any water. So I thought I could just scoot the water bucket into the yard quickly distracting them with treats thrown on the other side of the dog run, but NOPE...those lightning quick beasts did get the treats...but ran right past me and into the yard. I left the slider door open so I thought oh that's great they are going to run into the house, and destroy and go crazy, but they didn't thank goodness.

I ran into the house, and was yelling for now let me see there were 7 other people in the house. My kids = 3 Chris, Samantha, Whitey, and Rob. I was yelling up the stairs...not one person even moved. I could have been mauled by the dogs, and they could have been dragging my bones around the yard in the morning and no one would have even noticed I was missing! So I grabbed a couple of more treats and again tried to coax the 120lb beasts into their pen!

You really wouldn't believe this, yes everyone I was looking for the cameras! Everytime I would try they would run around the pool, and go on the other side so I couldn't reach them. I was afraid that they would jump the wall because they can, and now this morning in my clear thoughts I should have just let them jump and waved goodbye locking the slider behind me.

Actually I was thinking as I sat down listening to the crickets chirp...and looking at the stupid beasts across from me on the other side of the pool, this can't even be my life...but guess what...it is!

I spoke to Lori I told her I was perched on the roof, and she says "I expect it"...is that something that suprises you? That doesn't surprise me at all. Oh come on honey, make a decision either jump or go and get in the shower for your doctor's appointment, I haven't got all day." I was laughing my a** off.

Back to the beasts....finally I got them in their yard, and i didn't have to use anything but a shovel, and I was actually thinking if I banged them over the head and dug a hole would anyone notice? But I actually couldn't have done that, not because I didn't want to...but because I still have a drain tube sticking out of me as well as stitches!

Fast forward to this morning....I wake up to Rob is taking Ray to school and is yelling at the dogs, they had actually dug a hole to china and there was an actual chinese market in the backyard all set up with snacks like scorpians on a stick, and dog tail, hmmm. were they my dogs? No such luck...I smiled at the nice chinese people, and wandered over to the dog yard to see Rob with shovel in hand chasing them....not the chinese people, he was letting them in...the dogs. They were interested in the fact that they could actually have a "fresh meal in minutes" and were politely stepping out of his way.

He filled the hole, I said good bye to the chinese market, and Rob and Ray...and came up stairs to entertain all of you.

So I am off of the roof for now,instead i'm jumping into the shower, and no everyone....I don't make this up..it is real and it is my life.

I feel a change coming on....

Love you....

Stacy

It's Saturday morning and I am siting up in bed listening to the birds chirping outside and blogging. Today my little one is having her friend come over to spend the night and she is so excited, she gets to swim and have fun and we will barbeque something on the grill. Last evening I went out front to sit...the sun was setting it was around 7:30. It was interesting watching. I saw these four pigeons they were in the gutter and one of them kept picking up a pebble, then tasting it to see if it was food then dropping it, then picking it up again and then dropping it...the other pigeons got excited and then they were fighting over this pebble. Each pigeon pecking the ground...picking up the pebble and were feeling victorious when they thought they had found food. I watched them do this for about 5 minutes. I wonder why they kept picking up the same pebble all four of them over and over and then a car came and they stopped and flew away. But I wondered, ok I know pigeons are basically rats with wings, and people in other countries eat them for dinner, but I what I was watching was their instinct to survive.

I saw them hoping that that little pebble would turn into some piece of food, and that there would be more. I almost wanted to go inside and get some chips to feed them, but of corse I would have been bombarded by pigeons and then would have ultimately regretted that decision.

I want to write more about instinct and survival and I will later...I had a great phone call with my brother which I called in the middle of writing this morning because when I was thinking about the pigeons, I started thinking about him and how he helps everyone he touches, and I have now run out of time and have to run...more later....


Ok...I am back. I'm exhausted and really can't write any more about the pigeons I think I will pick it back up maybe tomorrow morning.

I went to the park with my little one and her friend today for a Democratic fundraiser for a friend who is running for an assembly position. My friend Lori is her campaign manager. So we stopped by for a little support. I went to the market today too....got a little stuff for dinner. That was the first time in the market since the surgery, tuckered me out. I cruised the wine isle that was fun, the last bottle of wine I bought was in Laguna Beach on May 3rd...memories.. before my surgery I went down to see my grandmother and spend time with family and friends.

I do like a good bottle of wine once in a while, it is supposed to be good for your heart, but I guess not to good for cancer, but I don't have cancer anymore...so I guess I will still drink an occasional glass.

I am going to go back to California next week with my kids to have them spend some time with my grandmother and family. I am going to the doctor on Monday so I will make sure I can go.

I did a bit too much today, that is for sure...I'm in a bit of pain....so I will rest for the rest of the night... you know how amazing it is that your fingers moving on the keyboard really affects your chest muscles....hmmm...

I Love You all...thanks for your cards and emails and phone calls...it keeps me going..

Stacy

Tomorrow I am going to the surgeon. She did a great job, and I am so glad that I chose to move forward with her and the plastic surgeon Dr. Earl. I haven't heard from her at all so I would guess tomorrow will be good news and progress.

It's a really windy and cloudy day today so when we go outside it is like a blowdryer in your face. Nice... supposed to have rain but I don't think that it will make it from the clouds to the ground it will evaporate before that.

I've not much to say today really..talk tomorrow...

Stacy

Hi...

I just waned to let you know that I took off my bandages today with all of this tape and ugh stuff....I put on some new gauze really don't need much of anything except where the drain still is. I get that off next week thank goodness, and I was just standing in the mirror and looking and really I would say that yes my left boobie is smaller than my right...lord knows that..it is just filled pretty good. So I have on the stretchy spaghetti strap tanks and no bra yet..so I will probably put one on tomorrow or thursday when I go to the doctor.

I was actually pretty happy because I thought that I would be so much smaller. I took a few pictures, only for ME though so I can keep a photo journal of how the healing looks. I do need to keep looking for specific changes in the skin etc.

So I need to make sure that it is still looking good etc. My girls have no problem looking at me...Rachele is so funny...she gets real close and says "mom...it looks so good here...and look how that looks." With this sweet little voice..and she helps me with my shots only 2 more and then done with the blood thinners... Doctor said that is probably why i am so bruised as well. I still have steri strips on the incisions, which should come off soon...I'm not sure if I have stitches on the outside or just inside? (actually have over 200 stiches on the inside...ouch)

I rested all day today really...I kind of felt not that great actually. But I must push myself a bit I think. I am looking forward to just maybe driving by myself and listening to music.

thats all for now....

Stacy

Good Morning! It's about 90 degrees already here and it's 9am. I'm doing good, not so much in a writing mood...i think I would rather blog in my other blog today. Went to the doctor yesterday got a good thumbs up! Another week of rest, then I'm going to get my self driving, and doing and going because I am not one to just sit around!...

Thanks for all of your emails and calls...it all works..

Stacy

Ok....updating everyone today.

It is June 1st. I am kickin in bed with Leslie (Boo's bff) laying next to me colouring one of Ray's fairy colour pages, with her phone playing music, Boo and Ray are on the floor working on fixing Boo's computer which needs an antivirus protection, and Lori is helping with that. Rob and Bear are at the other house. I am doing very well...I would say. The day of surgery I drove to the hospital with my 4 kids in the car with me. I had Bear in the front seat, Boo and Chris (boo's b-friend) in the middle seats and Ray in the way back...I was sweating not because I was nervous but because I woke Boo up at 7:15 and at 8:15 when I was saying it's time to go..she crawls out of bed with this look of..."oh sh*t are we leaving now"! Well...I had to be at the hospital which was 25 min away in lets see...15 minutes. So I went outside and sat in the car and waited for everyone to get themselves together.

Started the car and YES it was on EMPTY with NO gas...NONE...how convenient. Last night when I tucked the car in it had about a half of a tank of gas. So...was I suprised...no...we listened to Limp Bizkit My Way...which I love that song while driving and we were singing.

When we were pulling up to the hospital we were talking about how different names in different languages translate to english. So like Jorge is George...and Juan is John, and Berto was arguing with me and I thought that Jose would translate to John. We were arguing and laughing hard and he says "Mom its spelled H-O-S-E"...Jose...that is not John...and we were laughing so hard because he spelled out hose....like a water hose...I was crying I was laughig so hard, and did two trips through valet..because I couldn't stop because I was laughing... Then I stopped and got out and then he parked the car...so Boo..and Chris and Ray walked in with me.

We went in to admitting and then went upstairs to the 2nd floor for the pre test that I had to do which was a nuclear med test which was the tracer for the lymph nodes. That my friends... was the worst test and the worst pain I have ever ever felt in my whole life. Injecting a needle with radioactive dye straight into the boobie 4 times with no anesthesia at all. Then I had to lay there with this huge machine about an inch from my face for 35 min and not move...I just cried...tears rolling down my cheeks. Rob came into the room with me and even though he had to sit far away he was there. I put my headphones on and listened to my music..on my ipod...the first song that played when I hit the on button on the ipod because I couldn't see which song was going to play and Pink Floyd's- Comfortably Numb was on...how appropriate I thought!

I have become comfortably numb...ok ok ok ...just a little pin prick...there will be no more ahhhhhhhhhh...and you will feel a little sick..

When we were almost done..my mom and Fran came in to see the rest of the test...

We went up stairs and then there were let me see...about 12 people waiting to see me before surgery. My mom, Aunt Debbie, and Uncle Talat (they came from Ca. and brought my mom thankfully!), kids, bff, dad, mom, friends, fran...it was nice. We did a few quick good byes...Rob walked me into the surgery room and kissed me goodbye on the head and that was it.

When I was wheeled into the operating room I could not believe the number of instruments and bandages and sponges and scalpels and oh my medical stuff..it lined a 12 foot wall. I asked if that was all for me and he said yes. I kind of freaked out a bit, and then they didn't say a word to me...not a word and I was then just out.

The next thing I remember is yelling at the top of my lungs for these people who were all over me to stop touching me..and stop grabbing at me..I had no idea where I was and apparently I was in my hospital room being transported from my surgical bed to my bed for the next 2 or so days. I was not a happy girl. I really didn't hear any one else like any of my family at all. I was really mad and hurt and then they had to call in my Dad and I heard him talking to me and telling me what they were doing and how everything went. I felt so much better..I felt like I had woken up in the middle of surgery and was alone and so scared. He was so sweet, he just kept repeating that I was ok, and that everything went well and that I was fine.

So basically this is the story everyone: The cancer was not in my lymph nodes! Yea! That was hurdle number one. Number 2 was that it was only DCIS..and the other tissue that was "suspicious" was not even DCIS they say for now...so that is great news! We are still awaiting the "frozen" section to come back from Pathology..but on site under the microscope it was nothin..so..yea again! Then the other thing is that they did the nipple sparing mastectomy. So got to keep my nipple..and so happy about that..even though my boobie is about 50 different colors...

There are 2 incisions one under my arm on the side of my chest about 1 inchelong and another that comes from the side to the nipple...and it is about 2 inches long. I can barely lift my left arm at all and it aches..I have a drain coming out the side...and I have to take a shot everyday in my tummy to prevent blood clots...I have an expander in right now inside and under my chest muscle. The doctor filled it with saline 400cc's to be exact. He said to me that it was the most saline that he has ever filled after a breast recon. I think he didn't realize that HELLO I have a lot to start with. I have about 400-450cc's to go to be all done...it should take a month or so.

I've been really sick to my stomach a lot..haven't eaten much, couldn't go potty either, can't sleep well cause I have to sleep on my back and I am a side sleeper and can't sleep on my left side or right side. I have pillows gallore next to me.

My mom was a life saver I will say for sure. She slept with me the first and second night in the hospital, and when I woke up...I didn't wake up just nice, I woke up shaking and crying and throwing up all at the same time from the pain...the nurses were so good to me they came running in injected my iv with morphine and within a couple of minutes I was about knocked out..that happened about every 4 hours..for the next 36 hours. I was on the cancer ward, which I didn't like very much, but everyone there was so kind.

So here I am post op day 5. Taking only 1 pain pill about every 4 hours...and not sleeping very well, but a bit better.

I have a good support system here at home, Lori has been with me everyday, my Kids, Rob, my friends...Boo and Ray are helping me in the bath, because I have to bathe everyday. Berto gives me a really great long hug and kisses me at least 2 times a day...which is huge for him and me. He isn't such a hugger but he gets really cute and tucks his head right on my shoulder and holds me tight...I will as long as I live cherish his hugs because I feel how much he wants me to be ok and feel his love. Ray loves to wash my hair, and Boo blowdrys it for me. I need help getting dressed right now, because I can't really bend over and move well it's a bit painful. I really am so blessed by the friends and family that are around me. Dad came by yesterday and sat next to the bed and talked, told me how I was yappin at the nurses and with his sense of humor he made me laugh and I told him to stop. Bob and Carol came by today and brought some great muffins and had a great visit. Bob (little Brother's step dad..we have the same father but he died when Carol was pregnant with him) came by the hospital one day and it was just me and him, and we had a great conversations from politics to the surgery, and then he walked me around the floor about 3 times which I loved so much...It was nice to just spend some time with him and he brought me a nice bamboo plant with a pretty orchid in it. Everyday my mom's and aunt and brother's and cousins and friends check on me..thank you for that...

Tomorrow I go to the plastic surgeon at 2:30pm and we will find out the next steps for the next couple of months or so...I am going to have the final implant put in in 4 months or so...it will be a silicone implant I think I will see. I still have a bit of a road ahead of me, and I need to see my oncologist in a couple of weeks...he wants to start me on a drug to help prevent breast cancer in the future. I am not sure about radiation or any chemo but so far they say no way...no how...right now.

I feel so thankful and so blessed and so friggin happy that everything went exactly as I saw, visualized, and prayed about. I know that I have been of so many prayer chains from people that I don't even know...People in Kenya, Africa..Dubai, UAE...London, England..San Francisco, California...everywhere in the world praying for this outcome. I really feel so fortunate. Everyone who has thought of me has touched my life, and amazing how one thought can permeate the whole universe. We as people are so much more connected than we even think or even know.

I am a believer, always have been..I have my faith even in the darkest times..and I have the wisdom to understand that even when we don't understand I have the ability to get through it...one step at a time..and holding on tight to god, my angels with one hand and whomever I choose with the other...which is usually everyone I love with my heart and soul...

Thank you for your calls your prayers...your love...your support..your time..your energy..your hearts...and most of all you!

I Love you all,

Stacy

Hi...everyone... I'm home...I'm resting...and tired i will write you all more later...

It's all good news...

Good Morning Everyone! Well today is the day...

I will be great and I know that! Thanks for everything everyone! I appreciate all of your prayers and love!

Stacy

Well tomorrow is the day...Surgery is set for 1pm in the afternoon at Mountain View hospital.

I was thinking last night that I'm so angry and just...you know why me and blah blah blah....that lasted for about 5 minutes because it is such a negative, loathing behavior, and that is not me...

There are so many other people around 250 thousand in the same boat as me...that pink boat! Of course mine is rather large, because I have a lot of support from family and friends and it would be covered with rhinestones and sequins... Of corse this whole boat is in my head and all...Usually when I think of things like certain objects...in my head...rhinestones and shiney stuff is usually thrown in the mix. I love girly pretty things like that..so my BC boat would be pink and pretty with rhinestones.

Ok so way off track... I'm often asked why do I blog..and especially my dad doesn't get it..he is so funny, he asks me why do people write down their thoughts for other people to read, and they are so long..and actually boring sometimes? While watching a movie the other day...P.S. I Love You....which I loved by the way.. a line in the movie that Hillary Swank was saying as she was walking backwards talking to her future husband as they just met on a dirt road in Ireland with nothing but emerald green hills surrounding them:

"All I know is that if you don't figure out the something you'll will stay ordinary..it doesn't matter if it is a work of art or a taco or a pair of socks. Just create something new and there it is...and it's you.. out in the world, outside of you and you can look at it or hear it or read it or feel it and you know a little more about you, a little bit more than anyone else does."

That made perfect sense to me! It was perfect. To me, that is what IT is about. So in writing this blog or anything it is about finding out a little bit more about me each time, while sharing with the world...

It is only by living completely in this world that one learns to have...fill in the blank...faith, hope, wisdom, love, peace, life, joy, strength, pain, understanding...and journey's.

Take a look at the pretty flowers...wouldn't that be great if we had rainbow roses??

One more entry tomorrow morning...then I will be off for a couple of days...

Love you all,

Stacy

It's about 9 pm on Friday night...I'm just watching a movie with my little one had a really busy and good day today. Just watched a movie called P.S. I love you....oh wow it made me cry...I loved it! There was a great line in the movie that I couldn't help but memorize because it rang true to me...

We're so arrogant aren't we? So afraid of age we do everything we can to prevent it, we don't realize what a privledge it is to grow old with someone....someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder, or humuliate you beyond repair....

I thought that line was great!...if you think about it..basically in society everyone is so worried about their looks because it's a norm..what you look like on the outside...and few take a chance to look on the inside...The virtual "judging a book by the cover." I think that it takes so much to look beyond the cover...open the book and take time to read what is on the inside..look at the pictures take time to read line by line..page by page...chapter by chapter...

It's funny how sometimes your book takes you in a different direction, a direction than you had not chosen for your self. To me it is exciting to think about what is next not only in the lives of the ones you care about..buy what's in the next few pages, or chapters..in your life.

I think it is about being flexible as well, and taking the good with the bad. It's about change too..the more chances you give you or others to change and experiment, the more relationships become an adventure in which we would wonder what the next step may be...

The ability to be flexible and adaptable resonates within our relationships. But if we are not fexible, and do not adapt to the new...we will be stressed, irritable, hostile..and overwhelmed by a situation we do not expect, and have less mental, emotional and physical energy for expressing the best of ourselves with others.

Adapting to present reality means accepting frustration. We may not like it...but the present is the present and it is a gift. The idea is to try to accept your present reality. Because, with all its hard, unpleasant invasiveness..reality is our great teacher. To me it is amazing how reality procedes and invades our life with out even asking...proceeding wihout considering our hopes and dreams...

Sometimes reality bites...flexibility helps.....adaptability helps with change...

I Love You all....thank you for your love and affection and prayers and making me laugh and cry, and being there for me.

Stacy

Want to hear my horoscope for today?

I'm a cancer the crab!

You must make a decision, even if none of the options will bring you exactly what you want. Keep in mind that this isn't about taking the easy way out. Instead, realize that there are no simple choices that can quickly fix the complexities of your life.

Ha...LOL ...there are no simple choices that can quickly fix the complexities of my life....YA THINK?...that is a major spot on horoscope. I rather thought so.

Yesterday I met with a new plastic surgeon. Loved him! He took his time with me...showed me pictures and everything. SO you want to know the problem? He does not have privledges at the same hospital as my surgeon...(who I haven't spoken to in a week) and he is not on my health insurance as an "in Network provider".... Only two big walls to climb over.

So....I decided to let my breast surgeon go...and I promptly got another breast surgeons number...one that my new plastics guy recommended. And guess what...I have an appointment this morning...and they have already scheduled surgery for tuesday of the coming week. WOW..now that is fast. I am 29 days out from diagnosis, haven't spoken to my breast surgeon in a week, even after leaving numerous messages..etc. and I call this doctor and I am in thier office in a day, and they scheduled surgery already!

That my friends is progress...taking the bull by the horns...because I am so tired of no one doing anything. Oh another thing my breast surgeon, the first one.. has now lost my MRI pictures...no where to be found. The second set of films that her office has 'misplaced'. So I called my oncologists office to get a new set printed and have to drive basically 45 minutes to get there....but as they were printing my films...the machine jammed and therefore...no luck with those films..Hopefully sometime tomorrow we can get them. Amazing huh?

I went to my oncologist office yesterday and got my livestrong bracelet as well as my livestrong binder. This is all from Lance Armstrongs live strong foundation. They say that you are a cancer survivor from the minute that you are diagnosed with cancer...I like that! Well they had me pick out a little bottle that they cover with clay..they are called bottle's of hope...they are chemo bottles decorated with polymere clay designs...so so pretty. You can go to the office on the 3rd saturday of the month and decorate one for a patient. I am going to go to the June one with my little one and decorate a botte. She is so excited!

So today is the new breast surgeon...tomorrow another doctor..and then hopefully tuesday we can go and get the surgery!

I read a lot last night from my livestrong notebook...and I will write some of my thoughts down..as well about how i feel and how this journey is enfolding in my life..oh when I was reading last night a journal entry that is in the folder, one of the men who was battling cancer said..." I hear people say that cancer was the best thing that ever happened to them...he said He just wants to just punch someone in the face that says that." I thought that was funny....because I said that...maybe it will be the best thing that ever happened to me...in the way of helping others, understanding our own limitations, learning to ask for help, and learning to understand the complexities of relationships....not only with your family but friends, doctors, strangers, insurance companies, etc.

I took my little one to the doctor..her tummy has been bothering her...I think that it could be nerves..and I told the doctor what was going on with me and he didn't even look up from his computer screen..didn't even bat an eyelash..just grunted..not that I expected anything like "oh that's too bad.." but something more than a grunt would have been "polite" I would say.

Crazy world...beautiful world...scary world...it is what you make it...it's all in your mind!

love to all..

Stacy

Ok...so Tomorrow I am at the plastic surgeon...Thursday I have an appointment with my breast surgeon, and guess what? I have been advised to go to my annual as well ....so I'm with the gyno on Friday morning! Want to make sure that everything is ok there as well, because sometimes breast cancer and ovarian cancer go hand in hand...I'm sure I am fine...

AND THEN.................

Next week for the surgery I think?

Good Day everyone ! It's tuesday morning and I just want to say thank you everyone for your emails and calls...it means so much to me.

Today I am going to meet with at photographer to actually take some pictures before everything begins..His name is Wayne and he is really good. (Decided not to use him...used Lori instead..) I want this to not only be a journal journey but a photo journey as well. He and I had a long talk last night so I wanted to capture some very pretty and tasteful pictures of me pre surgery and actually during the reconstruction and after. Sound crazy? Probably but what have I got to loose? I would say nothing. I am actually realizing that all these little things in life...the little things like the house being perfectly neat..take the back seat to this ride. Funny how that happens. Once when my mom was really sick, and had respitory arrest...the doctors looked at me and said..."Nothing in the world matters...if you can't breathe."

That really stuck with me...it's a message that is so true..without breathing you die..and nothing else matters. So everyday I wake up..stretch and take a really big deep breath, fill my body with air...and breathe. It's the first step to taking the journey for the day, and when I get really upset...I remember to breathe...it's amazing to bring a life into the world...you have to breathe...Sean talked to me a lot about deep breathing...it balances you..energizes you..fills you up with the courage to conquer the world....one breath at a time..

I'll write more later....

Do you believe that everything that has happened in your life previous to this present day prepares you for the challenges that come your way? I was talking with a friend of mine this morning and I think that for me at least...my life has not always been that easy, some people are fortunate that they have the "Beaver Cleaver" life and I wonder in my mind if that is fortunate really?

So I lost my bio-father at an early age (5) and that was hard, and I knew him only a little bit but really it is like you always have to say "my dad died when I was little". My mother was not a really happy person when I was growing up, and that was hard to deal with as a kid. There were many rough years..many of them I spent strugging emotionally.

At the age of 18 I was on my own..struggling..going to school and working and just surviving..

I realized something today that for me at least life has thrown me some hard curve balls, and I swung..I may have missed a few...but for sure some of them I hit out of the park. This curve ball...this pretty pink curve ball that is coming my way...I'm going to hit this one out of the park and into orbit!

I'm going to share my story, all of my fears, all of my triumphs and set backs and If I help just one person..I will have completed my mission.

Every story that I hear...is so different...we are all sisters in breast cancer....but the stories are all different. I learn something everyday, something that I cherish, and keep for me and hold close to my soul.

I spoke to my sister-in-law Kim this morning she is just so sweet, and shared a story with me about a friend of her's who had gone through this as well..I will say something really at least I have a cancer that has a wide net of support. I thank God for that..

Stacy

People have been through far worse and have come up smiling!

I love that saying...resonates inside really deep actually. I'm happy today..had some really good conversations with some great people today, and appreciate them taking the time to spend talking.

This week hopefully we will have a lot of answers! I'm looking forward to it actually.

Talk tomorrow!

Stacy

I was asking this morning if I prayed hard enough will it just go away? I heard of a story where that happened...

So I am on probably a hundred prayer chains...Thank Goodness ! I think all the chatter in my head will die down, when I finally make the decision to do what I need to do..but the unknown still lurks down deep within the sick boobie. When they do take everything out...what will the result be?

I'm going to have a good day #24 and go and get some lunch...don't eat that much anymore..not a good appetite...

I'm happy today..I'm smiling today..it's really sunny outside right now and almost 100 degrees..

I love life...I choose forgiveness...I choose Living.

My head is spinning...

Changing ones mind – a very useful tool for surviving in the modern world. I rate people as being smart if they can change their minds about one of their cherished beliefs when better evidence arrives. Is there really any other method that works? So what if I believed one thing yesterday and one thing today – everything that has happened between then and now has contributed to a new understanding and therefore my views have changed.

Thinking at this point I may just throw up...don't have anything in my tummy so probably not a good idea. Went to see my oncologist last night, who so happens to be a very good friend as well..I sat in his office from 4-6pm and he talked to me about everything. I asked him if this was his wife what would he do...he said no question a mastectomy. So as we went over my MRI films on the computer screen..I couldn't help but get distracted by the pretty mountains out the window (those who know me well, understand the ADD thingie..so being disrtacted while I look at my cancer on a screen..not too suprising) ..and how basically that is what is in front of me. I have a mountain to climb..and I'm going to take that b*tch one step at a time!

I went to see him last night because I had to go and see the plastic surgeon this morning. I really listened to him talk and the one thing he said that resonated within me was 'You have a choice right now, Choose Life over Death'..'You are lucky right now because some women don't have that choice' So in choosing LIFE that means: I basically have to have a mastectomy and I am not sure after talking with the plastic surgeon if I am going to do both boobies....

Well I thought that after talking to him I would be so sure of my decision. Amazing to look down and contemplate actually removing a healthy breast, that I really like..
I know that you actually loose all sensation in the nipple after the mastectomy, and usually with a nipple sparing mastectomy you will just have a nipple that is yours but it is not functioning at all. It doesn't respond to cold or touch or anything...just sits pretty. (Well Lucky me...mine works and I can feel yea!)

I asked my plastic surgeon why he wasn't saying to me: 'You are going to be fine, and you will be happy with your results'...He said that he couldn't say that to me, the only thing he could say to me was: 'I will get the best results, for your body and the way it responds to surgery'.....NIIIIICCCCEEEE.....Now....I'm thinkin no friggin way he is touchin' my right good boobie. Nope...I don't care if I have one fake and one real...so what..best of both worlds really...

So for the like 100 millionth time I have now decided on May 16, 2008 at 3:44 pm to just do the left breast mastectomy with a sentinal node biopsy. My oncologist also mentioned that I had Norplant Birth Control in my left arm, and there have been incidinces of breast cancer with patients who had norplant in the corresponding breast of the arm where it was implanted...that sucks! Cancer Sucks...

I actually feel really good about this decision now...I wasn't too happy thinking about loosing both breasts...So again I have to call my surgeon and let her know I changed my mind again (my perogitive) and just want one boobie mastectomy with reconstruction. Right boobie...off limits! Actually I am going to bring a Sharpie...who's slogan is WRITE OUT LOUD! with me on the day of the surgery and write on my right boobie OFF LIMITS!!!! DO NOT TOUCH...WRONG BOOBIE...think they will get the message?? ( of course this may change tomorrow or in an hour)

I think the recovery for one boobie will be so much better, and the length of the surgery will be better, and also me having one real boobie will make me feel less of a cancer reject!

So right now with all of the information that I am armed with: Saw my surgeon, saw my oncologist, saw the plastics guy..the multiple xrays and MRI's and needle sticks and driving and calling and scheduling, and crying, and laughing, and just sitting and staring off into space...I think that this is my final answer!

We will see what tomorrow will bring...waiting for a call from my oncologist, and my surgeon tonight or this weekend.

Melissa and Heather thank you so much for all of your input and thoughts..I love you for being so right there for me no questions asked..and sharing your story! Jacki D. thanks for all of the emails of support, Everyone...thank you!

That's all folks!

Love to all!

Stacy

Hi all...so I was wondering how hard is it for you all to read my inner most feelings and stresses and pain...I bet it is hard...so that is why I asked if you don't want to have me update you...let me know..

I layed in the bathtub last night until I actually lost weight..because I was in there for about 2 hours... kept draining the water and adding more and the funny thing is I didn't even have to move. I just unplugged the tub with my toes..then turned on the hot water with my foot and shut it off. Amanda kept coming in and checking on me..berto too..who walks in with his eyes covered..that is so funny. Berto's friend Nicky came in too she sat on the tuffett and showed me her pictures from her prom that she went to in New York...I covered up my girly bits with bubbles and a shirt..So I am soaking in the tub with a shirt and a parade of people coming in and out.

Bella the puppers came in too...she was licking my arm and then licking my face...ugh...Berto came in again to complain that his girlfriend and he were fighting and he didn't know what to do...Ray came bouncing in after she was at her girfriends house for dinner...Rob came over and yelled about Berto's ticket and then came in later to apologise, but by that time I was crying...

My phone kept ringing...I guess I should have shut it off..talked to my uncle..and jason my cousin who have been so wonderful to me..talked to Lori at least three times she was making sure I was still above water...talked to Janine, and Sharon and my mom...just everyone who is so kind to take the time to talk with me.

So my little bubble bath lasted hours with a parade of people coming in and on the phone and all I have to say is i'm lucky and i'm thankful...

Love to all...

Stacy

Well.....hello...no surgery on Friday as planned....but I will have surgery on Tuesday at 12:30 for another MRI...this one is an MRI guided biopsy to check if the DCIS is in fact DCIS...which is Ductal Carcinoma In Situ...it could be more DCIS..or it could be scar tissue from my previous Lumpectomy...or it could be invasive carcinoma..So of the three...hmmm. lets see I choose scar tissue...

So my next appointment is with a plastic surgeon on Friday morning...I will be discussing my options if I want to have a mastectomy...on the bad boobie..and actually I think that it may be my only option, why??? Because the site is actually pretty large of the bad tissue and if I had it removed I would not have a pretty boobie, which is important to me...and then I would have to undergo radio therapy (radiation). So if i choose the mastectomy then they would just go in and then take out the whole boobie and put in an expander under my muscle and it would look like a real boob. They even keep your nipple my doctor said as long as it is cancer free. Then in a couple of months the doctor would then put in the actual implant...

Wow how much fun is this! If I had the mastectomy then no radiation....I hear...but wait..if it is in your lymph nodes, which they will biopsy once I do the actual surgery..then radiation and you guessed it CHEMO! WOW...that will be so much fun! Can you tell that I'm a bit pissy!

Now this is what I have to think of...we want the next biopsy on Tuesday to only show DCIS, or scar tissue..not invasive carcinoma...(which could be a posibility because I stole my chart and read it). Then my options are this: Decide to get the lumpectomy and have a deformed boobie, because they don't do implants with lumpectomies...and then weeks of radiation... OR Get a mastectomy keep my nipple or not depending on cancer which I won't know until the actual surgery, and not have to do radiation..unless it is in my lymph nodes, which we won't know again until after my surgery....

But wait....another thought should I do the other breast at the same time...double mastectomy! That was another option brought up by my surgeon today...Ayy why not..then I will have a matching set of twins...not one fake one and one real one..

Oh my gosh...I can't even begin to digest all of this information...Boo tells me that I smell sick...when she hugs me she says I smell sick..I shower daily, I use perfume and I use deoderant...not sure what that means except I remember Sharon Osborne (Ozzy Osborne's wife) talking and saying that her daughter told her that she smelled sick and she had colon cancer...it's that sixth sense...

So next week we will find out after my biopsy #2 if we have invasive carcinoma or it is just DCIS or scar tissue...

My thoughts....I think that it is more than DCIS...I don't want it to be...but that might explain some things... We will see and hopefully my sixth sense is a bit skewed!

I will probably opt for the mastectomy..just because I don't want this to come back...will I do both boobies so I can have a perfect set of twins? Not sure, although I always did want twins...until I had my son....everyone can understand that comment...i love him to death...but one of him is more than the world can take!

I love you all....I will keep you up to date!

Stacy

Hello friends and family !

My surgery is set for this friday...so I am a a little nervous and then excited because I will no longer have the little nasty bad cells in my breast anymore. We don't know yet exactly what we are going to do in regards to the actual surgery...i will find out that tomorrow at the doctors office. Looks like I do not have clear margins around the dcis, about 5cm worth of "suspicious tissue" ugh so we will see what the actual procedure will be. Since I am larger than the average girl in breast size, I was told "this is to your advantage" so if they do have to take more than they thought I should be able to keep the boobie...we will find out tomorrow...

Am I scared? In sorting out my feelings, I would say that I have grown very fond and attached to my boobies...yes they are mine and I love them. The thought of maybe loosing one is not a happy thought and I think of all of the times I would say 'gosh if I only had smaller boobs' well....sometimes be careful for what you wish for...

Again this is my journey, whether I like it or not. So tomorrow I meet with my surgeon, and hopefully she will have a plastic surgeon in the op room just in case. i already talked with my oncologist and he said they tend to go with 'breast conservation' surgery than mastectomy because the breast conservation with radiation follow up is basically the same survival rate as mastectomy. See if I choose to have a mastectomy then no radiation for me...just cut and be done. Not something I want to do...

This is so crazy I will tell you. Today at my Oncologists office, which is a 140,000 square foot research facility that also has radiation, and chemo, and a cafe, and a store called illuminations and a library which is so great with computers to look things up. Everyone there is so unbelievably nice. Anyway today is "LiveStrong" day. Lance Armstrong has a non-profit call LiveStrong...and they are having a ceremony at 12:30 with the mayor of Las Vegas, and refreshments, and you can get your yellow bracelet...it is supposed to be fun. I thought that I would go...I asked Rob to go but he said no... So I might bring one of my older kids with me. Since that place will be my home away from home for the next 2 months I might as well get used to it.

Have to go to the hospital tomorrow for my pre-op as well. Just to get all of the blood work done etc, oh I better water up for the next couple of days to be super hydrated, so we don't have to go through the multiple sticks etc.

I will touch base tomorrow, let everyone know what the 'plan' is...Love to all..and thank you for your prayers, and YoYo..thank you so much for my mothers day card..I laughed my butt off and cried too! Yes, who'll never forget all the weird and wonderful stuff we've weathered over the years! I love you girl!

Stacy

Hi all...nothing much more to update actually. I am awaiting the MRI results and I am anxious about that. The thing is I want this to get moving so I can be done, and then I know next week it will all be starting.

Just wanted to update..not in a very talkative or writing mood...

bye !!!!

I'm sitting at the counter at my famlies Laguna Beach, beach house...It is a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I am watching my Grandmother wheel herself around the kitchen, Tash is baking a cake with Mom...Peter is sleeping outside, LJ is reading a magazine..and Lilly is walking around bugging Grams...Jean is putting cupcake paper in the cupcake pans..today is Okbar's birthday, so we are kinda celebrating pre-mothers day, and a birthday.

I feel really happy to be here and seeeing my Grams. Right now she is sitting in her chair messing with her zipper of her jacket. She is so cute...she is doing ok, she has liver cancer..I wanted to come up and spend some time with her before I have to start everything.

I can see the ocean at a distance it is really pretty and blue and I can see the current moving...and as I look further I can't see where the ocean ends and the sky begins except for a thin line of frosty white...

The past couple of days has been fun...just hanging out with family and friends and enjoying my time away before I have surgery next week.

More Later

The key to balancing your desire to be at peace with your everyday existence and everyday life is recognizing that there is no such things as stress; there are only people thinking stressful thoughts... It's really as simple as that. When you change the way you process the world, the world you're processing changes.

Stress is an inside job. It's what you create to cope I guess. But stress isn't something that you can see, or touch or buy or anything..it's all in your mind.

It's oppisite of what you believe or feel a thing or situation should be. It is something that goes against your grain, your expectations. And you create it.

So in learning about this new journey that I am starting, I know that at times I may want to run away, or hide or cry and it is all ok...but I must remember to balance those thoughts with the knowing that this is something I must endure, and live through...and know that I will be ok..

I wrote this for a friend...and I loved it...and I now know what practice what you preach means.....

Everyone has down days…so one small gentle step at a time…when I am really down, a little here, a little there…I will be ok…God never intended for people to cry alone, and is always close to those whose hearts are broken……and know that one day the pain of this world will be behind me. Until then, I won't waste the pain that comes my way… I will learn from it. Embrace it with one hand while holding tightly to God and whomever you I choose with the other.

Stacy

Hey....it's Rob's birthday today... He's 42...We're not doing much because he has two softball games tonight...one at 8pm and one at 9pm. The kids will go to the game...

He is not big on celebrating his birthday though...I on the other hand think that I should celebrate birthdays more....some wise person told me that!

I went to see my oncologist yesterday, got to see the chemo area..this is a great facility. I don't think I have to have chemo but they had to start an IV on me. They only had to poke me two times. I had my bilateral Breast MRI yesterday don't know the results as of yet, but we will find out tomorrow.

I'm going to California tomorrow to visit with my Grandmother (she is suffering from cancer as well) and my mother and aunt and cousins and friends. Then I know after that I will not be able to go for a couple of months I would guess.

Well today has been pretty boring...I went to get some doctors reports and then I went to the Democratic Caucus Headquarters with my BFF she is the Campaign Manager for a good friend who is running for Assembly District 29 here so I am helping her as the assistant campaign manager.

It's fun! I love politics!...

Ok...so that's it...going to grab a bite to eat........

Stacy

Hi folks welcome to day 7....

Well went to get the MRI of the boobies with contrast....no such luck again! Poked 6 times...I was done. Doctor said that we don't need the test but I think that I may run over to my oncologist tomorrow to see if he can get a vein...I called him on his mobile (speed dial) and he called me right back...so lucky he is a good friend...I'm so lucky!

I feel in good spirits, and actually feel really good today...not tired or anything..

Went to eat at Paymon's my favorite place, had a greek salad. Went with my BFF.

Well not much to do the rest of this day...just hang out with my little one she just got home from California!

Yea!

Happy mood! Remember girls FEEL YOUR BOOBIES! Go get a mammo!

Stacy

Went to the doctors this morning and I found out that my cancer is both estrogen and progesterone receptive... so it is a good thing I guess. Also found out that because I am not 45 years old I do not fit the protocol for Radiation therapy with the baloon...which is about 1 week compared to 6 weeks. Sucks for me!

Came home and cleaned out my closet and got rid of 6 large hefty bags of clothes. I feel like i want to purge, maybe it is a normal thing not sure. I want to clean, and I feel like I am nesting a bit. No baby here, just breast cancer. So I wanted to post below a little lesson I learned today in how Hormones Play a role in Breast Cancer Treatment...it's 2:34 pm and this is day 6.

What Role Do Hormones Play in Breast Cancer Treatment?
Hormone receptors are like ears or antennae on a cell. Estrogen sends signals through the receptors that tell breast cancer cells to grow. Cells with estrogen receptors grow and multiply when estrogen attaches to the receptors.

After a breast cancer is removed, the cancer cells are tested to see if they have hormone receptors. If either estrogen or progesterone receptors are present, a response to hormonal therapy is very possible. The more estrogen or progesterone receptors present on those cells, the more likely that hormonal therapy will work against the particular cancer. If high levels of both estrogen and progesterone receptors are present, an even greater response to hormonal therapy is likely.

The other name for hormonal therapy is "anti-estrogen therapy." The goal of therapy is to starve the breast cancer cells of the hormone they thrive on, which is estrogen.

What percentage of breast cancers have hormone receptors?

About 75% of breast cancers are estrogen-receptor-positive ("ER-positive" or "ER+").
About 65% of ER-positive breast cancers are also progesterone-receptor-positive ("PR-positive" or "PR+").
About 25% of breast cancers are ER-negative ("ER–") and PR-negative ("PR–") or of "unknown" status.
About 10% of breast cancers are ER-positive and PR-negative.
About 5% of breast cancers are ER-negative and PR-positive.
If cells have receptors for both hormones OR receptors for one of the two hormones, the cancer is consider hormone-receptor-positive.
In this context, "positive" means that a significant number of cancer cells have receptors in them. "Negative" means that the cells do not have significant numbers of receptors.

The definition of "significant" varies from one hospital or testing center to another. If 5–10% or more of the cells have hormone receptors, that's usually reported as a positive result. But if a report says "negative" or "borderline," it's still important to look at HOW positive the level is. For example, the laboratory may label a 5% level of being positive for hormone receptors as "negative," but even cancers at that level may have a good response to hormonal therapy.

Sometimes, a report will come back from the laboratory saying that the hormone status is "unknown." This may mean one of several things:

The test was never ordered or done.
The sample of tissue that the laboratory received was too small to get reliable results.
Few estrogen and progesterone receptors were present.
If there are no hormone receptors present, or they cannot be measured or seen, or the status is "unknown," the cancer is called hormone-receptor-negative.

How do the hormones work?
Estrogen and progesterone travel through the bloodstream and find their matching receptor sites on both healthy cells and cancer cells. Receptors are very specialized protein molecules that sit on the outside or inside of the cells in your body. They act like an on–off switch for a particular activity in the cell. If the right substance comes along that fits into the receptor—like a key fitting into a lock—the switch is turned on and a particular activity in the cell begins.

Many breast cancers are hormone-dependent—which means that estrogen and progesterone stimulate their growth by "turning on" hormone receptors in the cancer cells. Without these hormones, the cancer cells are not stimulated to grow. They wither, and eventually they may die.

Estrogen and progesterone play roles in the development of certain breast cancers:

Estrogen is a very important "key" for the estrogen-receptor (ER) sites throughout the body AND on some breast cancer cells
Progesterone receptors (PR) can also be involved in turning on breast cancer cell growth
When a cancer shows few or no estrogen receptors (when it is "ER-negative,") hormonal therapy is usually not effective. But if there ARE progesterone receptors, hormonal therapy may sometimes be helpful anyway. Women whose cancers are PR-positive but ER-negative have about a 10% chance of responding to hormonal therapy. If you have an ER-negative breast cancer, you and your doctor should discuss whether the possible benefits of hormonal therapy are worth exploring for YOU.

How will you respond to hormonal therapy?
If hormone receptors are present in your breast cancer cells, you will probably have a good response to hormonal therapy. The more receptors, the better your response:

If both estrogen and progesterone receptors are present (ER+/PR+), your chance of responding to hormonal therapy is about 70%.
If you are estrogen-receptor-positive only (ER+/PR–) OR progesterone-receptor-positive only (ER–/PR+), you have about a 33% chance of responding.
If the receptor status is unknown, there is about an overall 10% chance of responding.
Cell with estrogen receptors, estrogen, and helper proteins.

A Estrogen receptor

B Estrogen

C Estrogen helper proteins

D Nucleus

E DNA genetic material

Estrogen has many different functions, including helping you develop dense, strong bones. It's good to have strong bones (and other good things that estrogen helps to provide, like lower cholesterol and a sense of well-being), but it's best not to have the breast-cell growth stimulation that goes along with the higher estrogen levels.

Some studies have shown that elderly women with high bone mineral density (strong bones) have an increased risk of breast cancer, particularly advanced cancer. This has led to rumors about dense breasts and dense bones causing breast cancer. But it's not the extra thickness of the breasts or the thickness of the bones that causes an increased risk of breast cancer. Relatively high estrogen levels in the body probably produce all three things: denser breasts, stronger bones, AND a higher risk of breast cancer.

Cell with estrogen receptors blocked by tamoxifen and helper proteins.

A Estrogen receptor

B Tamoxifen

C Estrogen helper proteins

D Tamoxifen helper proteins

E Nucleus

F DNA genetic material

This is day 5...

I slept until 9:46 am...it was either the darvocet I took last night, or the fact that at 2am I was up because my kids decided to watch tv at 100 decibles...

Stayed in bed until 1pm...

Called my littlest one in California...she is having fun

Went to eat at Caraba's Italian Restaurant...

Went to the market...

Came home...

Blogging...

Nothing else much today...feel a little anxiety want to get this out of me...and can't wait to...but I am going to California on Friday to see my mother and my family and some friends. To let them know what is going on. Also I am going to see my grandmother. She is suffering from Liver Cancer. Not sure what the next few months have in store for me...but I would like to see her before all of the stuff starts.

I think about the last 6 months of my life, and I don't know sometimes I think that I've felt really tired, and sometimes I felt so tired, as sick to my stomach...I wonder if it was that..emotionally I have been spent too. Actually since June 2nd 2006 my life has been a series of ups and downs..from almost dying because of 2 P.E.'s to a hugh blow up with his family (still don't speak) to Rob movin..etc. you all know the drill...

I decided that I want no stress in my life...If I have to have nothing, I would have nothing. I don't care. My job presently is so stressful, so I vow to myself: Stress free, exercise, control what I can, eat right, let things go, understand my illness.

What ever I have to do to live this way I will do. Because in the end it will save my life.

I need to.....

It's Sunday morning April 27th and I am sitting in my home office. It's quiet except for the incessant chatter in my mind and my belly growling. Well my day ended with me falling into bed around 9:30 after a day of riding quads with the family minus my little one who hopped on a plane with her Grama yestereday morning to go to California for a famliy birthday/confirmation party.

I don't mind quadding...it's fun. My idea of quadding consists of mostly an organized place with picnic tables and a fire pit perhaps? No such luck...we were basically 4 wheeleing down a dried up river bed in Logandale with boulders and whoops! Whoops..definition: waves in the landscape that you go over..

So it was my 2 oldest kids, Rob's friend, and my sons girlfriend and Rob and I. When we finally landed, yes landed because we were airborne most of the time..I was thankful! Wow it was so pretty though, nestled in between tall red sandstone cliffs...in the distance were red sand dunes, reminded me of that Arnold Swartzeneger movie "Total Recall" set in Mars. We dragged off the quads and the cooler jammed packed with refreshments, and had stopped on the way to get sandwiches at a little deli on Water street...so got those all snuggled into the cooler to keep the mayo from poisening us later..

I don't ride that much, but did take a quad to ride the red dunes so nice and pretty.

I sat and watched everyone ride pretty much all day long...hiked up on a sandstone mountain...found a beautiful flower just growing in the middle of the cliffs...it was purple and small and pretty...and I realized that this little flower was out in the open...in the middle of a river bed of sandstone and cliffs, as small as my pinki fingernail, and was as strong and standing tall about a quarter of an inch to be exact and it survives. It is a surviver.

Rob asked my why didn't I step on it..well I guess I felt it symbolized me..It was strong, and stood alone in the middle of this vast desert and was beautiful and living..to step on it...would be to end its heroic ability to grow and survive and live. I love that little flower...

We left around 7:30 took us one and a half hours to get home, all the while everyone making noise in the backseat. I started crying about the last ten minutes of the trip..I was driving with one ipod bud in my ear and the other one in my oldest daughters ear...and listening to drunk rumbles in the back seat of Rob and his friend...my son..and his girlfriend were just being kids as well..I think emotionally I was spent...done. Physically I was exhaused. I think the day started out nice..but was too long. I became the designated driver, didn't like that much, and really spent the most part of the day...reflecting on things in life. Actually at the end of the day while falling into bed, I would not do that again, I guess I would rather have a medical exam at grand central station at high noon, and film it for girls gone wild!

At the end of the day..I guess I am trying to find security admist the noise of my life... I would say to find a partner who was more caring and understanding of me and how I feel a bit more. We don't talk about my cancer..I brought it up but he said he didn't really think about it too much, and that I will be just fine. So he deals with it like he deals with everything by being quiet. I can't imagine how he feels, or how the kids feel (haven't told the little one all the details yet...just little bits and pieces...not using the c-word...saying "the yucky stuff")...I guess scared. My oldest doesn't want to talk about it either, and my son...well it really doesn't exist for him either. Hmm..who do I talk to then? I realize that guess what this is my journey, this is my life, and whether or not i like it..it's mine to live.

And that was day 4...

Hi....well I thought today was going to be an in and out MRI..and no such luck?

I got to the radiology place in time and ready to go...My BFF Lori came with me for support (the bestist friend ever) and so we could go grab a bite to eat after the test...

Well I went into the MRI room and she sits me down, now you have to understand this is all new to me...so I didn't know I had to have contrast. So yes they have to give me an IV...

The dreaded IV...for me much worse than a "normal" person. You see..I have no veins...none..so to poke me is a nightmare, and I usually have to hydrate myself a lot before I get an IV...didn't know I was getting one...so can you say PIN CUSHION?

4 Sticks later, and no success the nurse decided to put me on a table in the other room to lay down, good thing because at this point I was just about to hit the floor anyway! So she has me squeezing a plastic squeezy thing to pump up my veins...and has a turnoquet on my arm..3 more sticks...and they decide to bring in the radiologist.

I can tell when they are close to the vein it hurts more...but at this point they get it in but it blows..twice. Fun... Looking for the cameras..I have 3 people slapping my arms, I ask the Dr. if I roll over will you slap me here? He cracks up as does his wife who is helping him at this point...I'm begging him to poke me...just get it over with..

They are searching for a vein...any vein...now they are looking at my feet..wow..an IV in the foot for an MRI..I don't like this.

The doctor tries a few more times...keep squeezing the squeezy thing....and no success..I'm a trooper..no tears...just ripping the shred out of the squeezy thing...
It is actually destroyed at this point I proclaim, and then I let them know I'm done..no more..

I will go get some more water in me..come back in two hours..

I go get dressed, Lori and I go out to the car...dead battery ! I'm looking for the cameras...this is reality TV right? We get the car jumped and at this point I decide the test can wait until next week. I have cancer, I already know that..and I can wait a few days for another test to tell me again.

So..didn't accomplish the test, but yes called roadside assistance to pick my car up when I turned it off at Lori's house, and they towed it to the deaership and I got a new battery under warranty!

YEA...so that was a plus for today!

New Battery, might need some new veins...and that my friends is day three.

Went to my first doctors appointment...Rob came as well and Lori was going for support. She has her biopsy next tuesday...that will be fun. We arrived late, not a big deal actually I think it was because secretly Rob didn't want to go. Got into the patient room, and my doctor comes in...a very sweet and great surgeon. I realized that she is the one who found the cancer, but I won't be with her long, once she does what she needs to do..I will be shuffled to an oncologist. Just so happens that I have a very good friend who is an oncologist, the best in my city and he is now on speed dial!

So next steps...as I sit there remarkably in a good mood...she explains the type of cancer, actually rolls up in her little rolly chair, and flips over the pathology report and starts to draw a picture. Pictures are nice...I would have enjoyed a picture of any thing but an image of my breast cancer, but beggers can't be choosers.

She doesn't seem to be too concerned, but we need to make sure that everything is as it appears to be; the DCIS and it has not spread, or that they missed something so we are having a bilateral MRI of my boobies today actually.

She explains that there could be much more cancer in there....or it can be exactly as it appears so far. I'm actually rooting for the latter, who'd a guesses? Then she talked about sentinal lymph node biopsy...but that would be after the lumpectomy which I will have the week of May 5th...Cinco De Maio...

Back to reality TV...So again next steps is the MRI today...

I will touch base later...So this was Day 2 and is Beginning Day 3

Well....yesterday was fun....driving down the street yesterday I thought I would call for my biopsy results...wow...the receptionist on the other side of the phone says..."Did the doctor call you?" Oh, well at that point..i wanted to vomit, do a 360 right in the middle of the freeway and be anything but alone. Well I said no...and she said well she must have left you a message. I asked her to tell me and she said..well I better let the doctor tell you. Ok, now I know I have breast cancer, without her even telling me, because she won't tell me. I finally get the news out of her because I tell her that I am not hanging up until I know. I pull off the freeway to an exit, and listen to what she says.

I hear the words DCIS...ductal carcinoma in-situ...but don't worry...you are going to be fine. You just have cancer, but you have the best one to have. Wow...that didn't make me feel any better. I hang up the phone and start to cry harder. I call Rob, and he is driving and tell him...wow..blown away..he couldn't even talk.

I was on my way to MiMi's to grab lunch...and now my whole life has changed in less than an instant. Rob is at work and will get to me as soon as he can. I dial my BFF and we were meeting for lunch, well now...I'm basically wretching in the car and can barely talk. I tell her and she of corse is crying right along with me. Instead of going to Mimi's we are going to her house which is a couple of blocks away. I'm still waiting for the doctor to call, and she beeps through while i'm on with my BFF.

I pull in the drive way and put the car in park, and listen to what the doctor has to say. I open the door to the car and my BFF just stands next to me while I listen intently to the doctor...I'm going to be ok she says...it's the earliest stage of breast cancer, and i'm going to be fine. At this point I see my BFF turning her head and wretching in the driveway...she is just so sick with the news.
Now I haven't even breathed yet, and I hang up..I have to see her first thing in the morning. We cry in the drive way...I have an hour until I have to pick up my oldest from School...and I have to tell her.

I call my mom and leave a message..just call me...I call my brother and leave a message..just call me..so waiting for return calls.

How weird to tell people about this. I almost feel like i don't want to say a word to anyone.

I picked up my daughter from school and told her, she cried but I assured her that it was going to be ok...

So the list goes on...my son, brother, mom's, father, and a few close friends and other people that I love I have to tell them to their face....

How do I feel? I guess numb would be a good answer. Mad...another word that comes to my head. Suprised? Not so much...

So I want to just basically journal this journey in my life. Then I will publish it and add the book to my book shelf...and share with the world!

I know I will beat this...I know I do not need anyone to do this with me (ok that's not true because now I am at day 25 and I am bringing everyone in) but me and God standing beside me. What it really comes down to is that this is my journey, and only I can do this, experience this, and have faith that everything will be alright, believe that all things are possible and have the wisdom to understand.

So this was day 1