Tired Girl

I don't know... if we each have a destiny or we're all just floating accidental like on a breeze, I think maybe it's both....maybe both happening at the same time.

Forrest Gump

Ok so I didn't want to wait until tomorrow to talk about all that is happening today.

This morning uneventful, got up with Ray, and got her a quick kiss before she was off to school, oh my gosh it is 10:34 two hours late for my shot....nice huh...Long pause as I take my shot... Ok back!

So what has been going on this week besides my surgery, and a big fight on TV tomorrow night Lesner vs. Couture... I am putting together a photo shoot for a Calendar that Fight Pink is creating. It is called "Faith and Inspiration" Surviving Mothers of Breast Cancer. So the shoot will be in my home, we have our amazing photographer, Edison Graff taking the pictures, he will be setting up a studio here in the early morning, and we will be having a make up artist or two from MAC to be here, and 12 women and thier children. We have women who are breast cancer survivors, as well as their mothers being survivors, and their children being here as well. I am so excited about this project, and the women are so amazing!

Nevada Cancer Institute is helping us by supplying the women for the Calendar, and we will be donating a portion of the proceedes to NVCI! So that is so exciting his is on the 22nd. I am helping a friend with a CV, working on the supply chain business, setting appointments for the photoshoot, working on the calendar set up with Dennis, and all the while I feel, (and Christina I'm stealing this one from you) like a big gummed up ball of mess under the table waiting for someone to just come and scrape me off!

I love that.... I wish I could just relax and read, and just sit...but if I do.. I go crazee.....crazier than i normally am. I must do something with my mind. No, and I don't mean drug it to relax.. I mean I have to be thinking and dreaming and planning and doing. I spoke to my Dad last evening, and he said to me...and I think maybe it was a complement: " It's funny, you do things." Ok....I said... he was like, "you decide on doing something, and you make it happen." Like the calendar project. I guess, isn't that how life is though. You make decisions, or choices...and do it. Hmmm.. I would think so.

Berto just came in and layed with me here...how sweet, and just informed me of his plans for his life. He wants to be a pharmacist. Why a Pharmacist? He says he wants to do it, he is going to create a goal chart, and he wants to have a new truck next year, and he will graduate in March...then he wants to go to Paramedic School, starting in the summer!

Ok my dad is coming over to bring me lunch, how sweet. I have been on the phone, and now I am going to take a shower...and then finish up the Fight Pink confirmation of everything for the Photo shoot...

Talk later..

Hello my family and friends....

I sit here typing and feeling much better so here is how my surgery went:

It went well.

LOL....ok details

Why did we have this LAST surgery, well the reconstruction process is a bit longer than I thought in the beginning which was hmmmm....May. 6 months. I actually am done with surgeries on the boobie. I'm tired of surgery.

I really don't think that this is going to be a funny post, I just got off of the phone with Lori, and we were laughing, laughing about her "sale"...she has an 80% off sale of her expectations for men... Someone who laughs, I guess is "expecting too much" she was told, so she has lowered her expectations. Anyway... we were laughin about that.

Love the drive thru have I told you that lately? What a great invention, you don't have to get out of the car, you just sit and speak to a box, (with the exception of McDonalds who offers "face to face" service") and you ever notice that Starbucks have a camera at their drive-thru's...they do, next time take a look and smile. I am not sure how fair that is, because when you think about it being on the other side of a camera and the person being filmed does not know it, many funnny and strange things I am sure they see. Anyway. Back to Drive-thru's. So you have your drive thru Dry cleaners, your Drive thru ATM's and Banks, your drive thru coffee places, your drive thru fast food, and even drive thru movie, and markets!

My favorite drive thru though has to be drive thru surgery. Now I wonder and this is me thinking out loud, do they (they meaning insurance companies) want you out of the hospital quicker because: A- Less money to pay out for staying the night after a procedure or B- Less money to pay out for staying the night after a procedure, and the increased RISK of catching some ungodly infection like MERSA? I'm thinking they would rather get you out to save money, but also because they would rather you be in your own home setting where your body is used to the germs in your own home, and your risk of infection probably is 80% (no scientific study here) lessened in your own home.

So...when I had my Drive-thru this past week, while I was being questioned by the nurse before surgery:

Nurse:
"Do you feel safe in my home environment?"

Stacy:
"Yes, with a cast iron frying pan in my hand."

She looked at me with a smirk.

Nurse:
"Do you feel safe in your home?

Stacy:

"Yes" I said, so she could get on with the survey... she checked her little box and went onto the next question.

Nurse:
"Do you ever think of hurting yourself?"

Stacy:
I answered, "When I'm perched on my hot tile roof with the pigeons we discuss this in detail." So my answer was Yes!

(she politely looked around and whispered to me)

Nurse:
"You can't say that, Dr. Earl frowns on doing surgery on pre-suicidal patients",

So she asked me again with a straight face,

Nurse:

"Do you ever think of hurting yourself?"

Stacy:

"Are you asking me to lie, ohhhhhh I get it now... No...never ever, not even once, not even this morning on my way here...after my roof top discussions with the pigeons!" (I had to say goodbye, and they wished me well... see former pigeon posts if you don't get this).

So done with the questions, she was soooo happy about that... and wheeled into the op room, talked the talk with my doc, he's great, and then went to sleep... The surgery was pretty uneventful except for the fact that it lasted 2 1/2 hours instead of 1 1/2 hours and they decided not to catheterize me,(so I don't go number 1 while I am asleep) because they didn't think they would need the extra hour, and well...my body wasn't too happy with that...no thanks I don't need the panties back. I have panties that I wear to the hospital, that I would be caught dead in...in a hospital, but not out in the street. Wore hospital panties to the hospital, not my "normal" pretty everyday panties. And girls, yes you all know what I am talking about. Us women we have it covered when it comes to the panties!

(Definition of Hospital panties= Panties that you would be caught dead in, only in a Hospital setting, not ones that you would wear and get into an accident with, because those are everyday pretty panties, that you would wear, if you weren't expecting to go to the hospital. Understand..... Women get this...and are laughing, men....are skimming through this part with a puzzled look on their face, or just skipping this part all together)

Woke up and was a little wet and cold, and needed explaining why I was wet. Got the answer, asked for my clothes went to the bathroom washed up, got dressed and got into the wheel chair and wanted to go home!

Rob and Ray picked me up, (yes I actually think they went to the house while I was in surgery), remember the doctor saying, "I didn't see anyone in the waiting room", I am sure they stepped out for a snack, right at the time the doctor came out ....isn't that how it always happens. Came home, came up stairs and slept.

I don't remember much, but Rob was here and his mother came over to see how I was, and I was like hmmmm...anyway that was nice of her. Rob made hamburgers for the kids, and Boo brought one up for me for dinner, and I looked at her like: "Are you kidding me" I could barely talk, my throat was raw from being intubated, and I do remember them taking the tube out this time, and it wasn't fun. Poor Boo, she was so happy to bring me the hamburger, I smiled took a bite, as she sat plopped at the end of the bed with a big smile on her face. I tried to swallow the small bite of hamburger, which at this point was like swallowing Glass...dry throat, and sore from the tube....argh! One bite, and I was done....

Do we have any soup? Hamburger after surgery.....Hmmmm. I don't think so. Plus your body after surgery slows down quite a bit, meaning your digestive track...If I ate that whole hamburger It would have stayed in my gut for a year! No...just liquids.

I am feeling better, still a bit sick to my stomach, but I am ok. My surgery looks good, infact I am very happy with the results. I would say now, it looks good. Six weeks of wearing a bra morning, noon, and night. Lotsa, Lotsa stitches on the inside..but that is ok, my plastic surgeon is a great artist so I am lucky.

So on a scale from 1 to 10 for this episode of "Hamburger after Surgery"...straight shot in the middle. A 5. The 5 meaning not a 2 like the last surgery, and not a 100 like the 2nd surgery. This one is a 5, I can live with a 5.

So this is day 205....Wow gettin up there huh... tomorrow I will write more, about everything going on with Fight Pink, and the photo shoot, and all that!

Love u all...

Stacy

I'ts been a great weekend, had fun on Halloween and the kids had a great time too!
Been working like crazy with Catera (my supply chain consulting business) big meeting on Friday, basically scoping out the next year with the partners we are picking up! I am really looking forward to it!

Fight Pink, is keeping me us so busy, that it is basically a full time job in itself, worked all weekend. We are moving so fast, and growing so fast which is good. Our team is amazing, our marketing team is awesome and I can't thank them enough for their support! We have some events planned in the next couple of weeks, and sometimes I wish that I could just be split into 5!

Well...today is election day Looking forward to seeing who will be our next President!

Talk soon!

Hi everyone...well today is Halloween! Yea! Yesterday was a day at the doctors. I had two doctors appointments both lasting at least 2 hours.

First with the Plastic Surgeon- That was good, he is really a great doctor, so I will have my 4th and hopefully final surgery, again quick in and out...

Second with my Oncologist- That was ugh... so can not go on any drugs to supress my estrogen production. I am er pr positive so my cells actually attract the estrogen an bind with them. Nice..the drugs block the binding ability therefore so the cancer cells, or abnormal cells don't grow. I can't take it because the side effects are blood clots. So he suggested that maybe a hysterectomy, or just taking out my ovaries would work?

I'm not happy about that decision either. So hmmm... another thought that I must ponder. I'm not thinking I want to take out my ovaries! That would mean pre menopause. Goodness this is such craziness, I think that everything is like ok DONE, and I turn the corner and wow another surprise.

The medication I am taking for my neuropothy, is making everything I eat..taste yucky.. but better than having the neuropathy pain I think.

Ok so I am so excited tonight is Halloween, so Chili, which is a tradition! I will make a large batch or two..or three... Maybe Enchalada Cassarole as well. Trick or treating...and a party! I am a Gangsta...with a mens sport coat, stockings a bullet hole in my forehead, although Boo doesn't want me to have a bullet hole...I may just be a pretty Gangsta...have to have the hat...and the gun...tons of toys guns..

I will upload a picture in a few days...Yipee! Should video it and upload to Utube..we see....

Take care you most wonderful amazing people that care about me!

Stacy

I was wondering, and thinking, and I am a little distrubed right now. I was told the other day by a certain someone in my world, that I need to really get over and not complain about the whole "Breast cancer" thing. Now, I am not one to complain, really I am not. I pretty much keep my thoughts to myself, my pain to myself, I may not "act" the same... ie: Resting a bit more, or not giving a Sh*t if the house is perfectly clean... that kind of stuff. I find it incredibly insensitive that someone could say to me... you should really "get over it" basically.

Hmmm....I think I am doing pretty good for what I have been through actually. I have heard so many stories from so many women and they are all so different actually, and some so much more trying than mine etc. But to me it is all about how you take it, you know? How you handle the stresses. In my immediate famliy. My diagnosis, and further surgeries, actually doesn't mean jack! Oh another surgery, no biggie. Sometimes I'm dying inside. Why do I blog, why did I start the non profit company? To help women. Women who feel helpless. I feel helpless sometimes. I don't have the support that I would want much of the time.

Another thing that is bothering me. Doctors (sometimes). I spoke with one of mine yesterday. I asked him again about puting me on a SERM (Selective Estrogen-Receptive Modulators) he said yes you should be on it. Now.... I went through this before, I asked him If I was his sister, would he put me on this? He was like yes, but "you didn't want to be on it." So you put your trust in a physician to do what is best for you, so he told me yesterday that I should be on something. Well again I looked up my 3 choices for the SERM Drugs, and they all have side effects saying that blood clots are an issue. I can't do that. Had 2 Pulmonary Emboli so I'm out on that note.

Anyway one of the drugs specifically said that it didn't work for recurring breast cancer. Meaning it didn't stop breast cancer from recurring. Hmmm. Why take it then?
So I am not. I don't know if this will bite me in the future, but what I do know is that I need more peace and tranquility surrounding me.... I need to be able to have some arms to crawl into and feel safe, not constantly defending myself and fighting off the fear. I don't have time to constantly defend my Survivorship to others, I don't have time to sit and figure out why others are so angry with thier lives and I only want to surround myself with Joy and Peace and Tranquility.


I love talking with Survivors, I love sharing stories of hope and fears too...being able to just talk with someone who understands that once you have had cancer, even if it was Stage 0, it is cancer none the less. I like to look straight into the eyes, and see the souls of these people even if only through a photograph...yes..the eyes are the window's to the soul.

Yea, something new.... I have to check that box at the doctors offices when filling out the new patient paperwork: Medical History- High Blood Pressure...check...Heart Disease in the family....check....Cancer....check... That was a sobering moment.

The photo above...amazing huh? That is Tobias Pedersen look at his photos at http://www.mostphotos.com/Morjas

Stacy

Hey everyone,

Yea I am here....Yea it has been a while. Just been working and relaxing and another surgery again.... and back to the doctor tomorrow morning. Have to have some more tests with my oncologist as well.

So one or two more surgeries, not looking forward to it, but the sooner the better actually.

Working hard on our non profit, and it is keeping me and everyone so busy!

Working hard on my other business too! So working, resting, surgeries ya know the drill!

I love you all...thank you for always caring!

Stacy

Heyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Ya Ya Ya I know it's been a while.

Updates:

Have to have surgery again! Argh.... Some complications with the implant, it is just movin around a bit too much...and not making me a happy girl!

Dr. said that that could happen...oh well we get er' done...in about a month I guess, we haven't talked about that yet.

Oh having memory issues, repeating the same thing over and over, and forgetting things... STRESS...or too much going on, who knows..... My oncologist says he will do some further studies....

So we will see there...

Funny story:

Out front watering the lawn and rocks and cactus with Ray...and I got her all soaking wet, and she was like coming out of a pool, we were laughing so hard, and all of the sudden she puts her face in her shirt, but you can see her eyes....and she says while breathing heavy..."Luke I am your father"... I just about fell on my butt right there... I laughed so hard...it sounded just like Darth Vader....

Then she was like doing it again saying "Stacy, I am your daughter...."

Sometimes I have no idea how she comes up with these things...but God love her! Yes, sometimes I can be funny, but jeeze she is hillarious! I mean Soooooo funny.

Ok..I will write more later....

I'm doing good, busy which is good..personal life getting better! Yay!..

Brain is workin hard, body resting a bit... oh not the super blondie anymore..put some brown in my hair..boo says it makes me look younger....LOL isn't that what you say to all women when they ask "How do I look?" and I told her so....she laughed... 6 days till her fight........WOW... exciting!

Love you all..

Stacy

Well......

It's Saturday night all comfy and watching a movie with my friend Yolie, actually I think she is sleeping really. But kitty is here with me. The kids are in California with Rob, so I had the weekend to myself, and have been just doing regular stuff around the house, and went out to dinner with Lori and Yolie last night. That was nice.

I'm feeling ok physically still..healing more everyday! It's the emotional that is still getting me. I am really excited about our website for breast cancer awareness, which keeps me going so much, because I know it is already making a difference to people in thier lives. We have a myspace and we have had a lot of people contact us already to see how they can help. I love it. That makes me happy!

I got a new contract with the promise of an extension with my supply chain consulting company. I negotiated the deal last week, and was pretty happy how they responded, they have been very good with everything. I have been working but only a little bit, and they have been great about that. Funny thing, one of their team members had to undergo surgery as well, the day after me, so we were in the same boat! That should keep me busy for at least the next 6 months...so that is good.

I would like to really just do the non profit, and really make a difference. I want to work at something that is my passion, nothing brings greater happiness in life than to serve a cause greater than yourself. A wise man said that, and I believe it to be so true for me at least.

I want you all to know that I do appreciate all of the love that you all share with me, I feel it. I will say this though that for me at least, this is beginning to be harder for me than I thought. I think about people who have brain cancer, or lung cancer, or pancreas, or kidney, or prostate...it's all on the inside. It is not something that you have to see every single day. Except for the side effects of chemo, which after you are done, you're hair grows back, if you lost weight, then you gain it back. You know it is in there, and that sucks but it is not something that is a constant reminder when you look in the mirror, and what even is harder for me to understand is that breasts are a "women's beauty." That sucks. It is how society looks at it anyway. Because as I type with tears slowly falling from my eyes, I realize that no matter what, every day of this life, everyday I will be reminded of it. If it was in the lungs, I can't see the lungs. The kidney's, can't see those either. Hmmm. But the breasts, men love them, and forever I am changed and It's so hard because boobs are a part of the "intimaacy" that people share. You don't share your lungs, liver, kidneys, or your pancreas...no one wants to touch them.

So how totally unfair is breast cancer? Now I think I'm gettin mad. Now I think that I just sit back and realize that it isn't ok. It's so totally not ok. I want there to be a cure. I want not one more person in this life to go through this. I don't understand, and I thank the lord every day that I had the gift of knowing early. Early detection saves lives. Education does as well, and spreading the word.

I have survivorship stories going on our webpage in the next couple of weeks, sharing stories from other survivors. How does that help, to me it helps me understand my feelings more about this. I'm so different and sometimes I wish I wasn't...but I know I am this way for a reason. I can't be quiet. I will speak of this to my last breath...

An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I was thinking about a quote in the movie The Brave One. Jodie Foster was beaten and her boyfriend was as well and died as a result. The detective asked her "How did you pull it back together after what happened to you?" She replied, "You don't, you become someone else, a stranger." I like that, I understand that. So I feel like I am really living in 3 different worlds right now.

One with my family, kids, friends. It goes something like this: How are you? I'm doing well, thanks. Oh that's good. Conversation over, about me which is good...because we don't want to talk about any of that because it is over.

One with work. It goes something like this: Stacy we need you to take a look at blah blah blah.... and I like that because I don't have to think about anything but work...
The other work. Non Profit: I want to stand on the top of every mountain and shout out to the world...we gotta fix this! Makes me feel good

One with just me...alone..with my thoughts: How do you feel today? Well, not too sure, physically I actually feel good, hurts a bit to lay on my sides, but pillows help that. It is the emotional and sprirtual that is scary. I really have looked within to my center, my flame and keep it steady, feeding it with peace, and love. But it's hard...but would I die for it, you bet your sweet ass. Because a man who can't die for something is not fit to live....another MLK quote. As long as I spread that word, make a difference every day of my life..I will be happy. I'm going to live for quite a while yet, I know that for sure.

So I need to get to know this "stranger" as Jodie says...and understand her more.

Wow, that one was tough....

Love you all...

Stacy

Just wanted to touch base since I haven't been writing a lot in the past few weeks. I have been resting and taking care of myself to get all better and today is one week since my final op and I feel really good!

Not in much pain, physically that is, and I was talking with a friend the other day and I wondered if I would just crash. I haven't really had the time in the past few months to do any feeling sorry for me, or crying or anything like that...and I wonder if there is something a little off inside? How come I'm not mad, or angrier, or crying about all that I have been through. For God's sake I don't have a left breast anymore, but of course it looks like I do. I had this totally invasive, destructive to the physical as well as the mental and spiritual body surgery that took from me something that I have always took for granted. Boobies! Oh how many times I would say I wish they were smaller..If I could take that back now.

I just bounce around life like a pinball I think. Spinning, hurling, barely breathing yes out of control.... You know how a pinball just is slowly rolling through the game, and gets the smack from some flipper that is inflicted upon it from a push from your finger or it gets an unwanted shock from some other mechanical inflictor, slapped upside it without warning. The shiny ball rolls and it zooms really fast and it is hard to keep up with it and then it bounces really slow and you pray that it doesn't go straight down the middle to be recycled again to start all over...because the more points you rack up, the more you see that ball spinning before you...you're winning....until game over.

But what if we just continued to play and play and play that same turn and didn't get that down time, that chance to take a break and recoup? I guess we would just get tired. I'm tired now. I feel tired. I don't feel like getting out of bed somedays, but do...I feel like no one understands a bit of how I feel, and I'm screaming inside literally and I have to be strong for my kids, for me, for my life etc.

I think about how everyone in life is doing thier own thing, and just get up go to work, come home, and sometimes I think doesn't anyone really see anything? Life isn't just that...we all get so consumed with striving to make life work for us..making enough money to make more money to live a better life, and in the end one thing can take everything away from you in an instant, one accident, one illness, one flip of the flipper and game over......

I do think that I am going a bit crazee right now. I wish I had the love and support that I needed, I wish I had the understanding that I needed, I do in so many people but not in the few that I really need. My kids are exactly the same, they don't want to talk about anything. Berto on day 2 after this surgery is asking me to do his laundry! I lift up my shirt and say, just because you don't see this, doesn't mean it didn't happen. WOW..that didn't go over well. But come on, I mean I know the thought behind that one was, Mom's ok. She is just fine, she looks fine, so she is fine.

Well right now I feel anything but fine, physically yea, but emotionally no. I am this: Lucky I didn't have chemo. God forbid that would have been DONE button for me. Lucky I had the ability to choose LIFE because some women don't. Lucky that I am who I am really because I do just take things with a grain of salt usually, but this time.....I am starting to feel something different.

I almost have I don't give a sh*t attitude, because I'm tired. I'm tired of alot actually. I feel like that shiney ball that has been kicked around the pin ball board and needs that rest, and I'm not going to push the button right now to start a new game.

To me, my air that I breathe is helping others. It keeps me alive actually. Engaging others who are in need of some type of conversation. Making a difference in this world. I have to do that. I will do that. In the process, I will probably be told that I am selfish, but I am anything but that. I'm actually probably on the edge right now, just looking over this amazing scene and taking it all in...breathing deep and getting ready to push that button and start a new game.

Love to all,

Stacy

Hey everyone....

It's been two days since my final surgery and I am alive! LOL... It went really smoothly actually...got there about 55 minutes before I was to be wheeled into the operating room...(don't think they liked that) but hey...I made it..and had the family there..and Lori and Fran. Went into the back scooted my bootie on the gurney, got the IV and went into the surgery room...that is where the fun began.

I was given a little cocktail of some sort of drugs, and whoa I was wasted in like a second, and I told the Doc that I was a way "cheap date" so slow up on the drugs..then I started to laugh..and that was it..both doctors and the nurse in the operating room were cracking up, and my plastic surgeon actually had to leave because he was laughing so hard.

I scooted onto the operating table still cracking up and making all kinds of jokes, because I was so funny and wasted...and then came the mask over my face..and my Doc just held my hand and I looked at him until I saw 4 of him and that was it...slow deep breaths...GONE...

Woke up and I remember asking if I had "Boobies" and doc laughed and said yes..and I asked how big and he said 960ml... "Whoo...Big Boobies" I said.. and then I don't remember much more but thanking everyone and laughing again..and I wasn't even that sore..

So I went home in about 1 and a half hours after that..and I really don't remember that much..

Got to bed, and relaxed and don't remember much of the night really.

Got up in the middle of the night about 3 times to walk around..so I make sure that I get the blood flowing ya know...

I don't feel very badly...actually on a scale of 1-10 its about a 2...the other one was a 20 on the scale of 1-10. So actually pretty good...

I went to the doctor today, Lori took me still can't drive, not for a week or so...

We laughed so hard in the room waiting for the doctor to come in when he did, he is always so happy to see Lori and I because we are always laughin'.

Had another person in the room with us and again I had to ask..."You want to see my boobies"...doc just rolls his eyes...and yes the intern has to see the work...well I am used to this actually. More people have seen my boobies in this office than in the last 20 years in my life! That is the truth!

Well anyway..I am good..and I feel good and I am so happy!

Love you all...

Stacy

Hi….well I’m sitting in the front seat of a red mustang flying down the highway to our final destination which is Vegas, and of course I’m just thinking at this point my brother Sean, (bless his heart) drives like not too well…which means I’m basically white knuckled as I type…seriously he is driving talking to Ray in the back seat and eating a chicken soft taco from Del Taco, and we are doing anything but staying within the lines….I might actually vomit…but hey…life is an experience right!


We are listening to Kelly Clarkson, breakaway…..take a risk, take a chance, and breakaway…..

Had the most amazing day yesterday..got up went to Laguna main beach and walked around a bit and had lunch at this little French restaurant called C’est La Vie, had a Greek salad..Ray ordered Chicken Picata..she loves mushrooms and capers..and we just felt the ocean breeze..we were seated outside and the water line was about 100 yards from us….so beautiful.

After lunch (and Crème Brule’) we walked along the shore line…and let the water just touch our feet…it was so amazing just being….not doing anything just holding hands and laughing and watching the all different people…saw a mermaid, at least one with feet..and I asked to take a picture of her…(she was happy to pose) she had the long hair past her behind and all soft and reddish brown and just reminded me of a mermaid…she was 17 and so pretty….of course Ray, was again mortified…because you see I talk to everyone….the world is my friend!

We went to the north end of the beach and were lucky enough to find the tide was low so I wanted to show Ray where I would go all the time when I was a kid, the same beach, the same tide pools…. She hasn’t been to a tide pool not because she hasn’t been to a beach, she has been to many beaches on other continents even, but never to a tide pool, probably because always a strict schedule to follow…or someone would not want to do something, but when it is just the two of us…we can do what ever we want!

So I wanted to show her how I used to climb the rocks and search within the many tide pools for sea life and envision basically the small eco-systems. These are the same rocks and tide pools I searched as a child. I thought ok…she might get bored but I wanted to share this experience with her.

I was amazed of her curiosity! She was saying to me…”Oh Mom I love this so much”, this is so amazing to me and I could see her just glowing and so excited and her eyes just danced from tide pool to tide pool looking and so excited. She’s said to me this is what I want to do…she has always loved marine life, and dolphins and has since she was 3 years old wanted to be a veterinarian, but I let her know that there are more than just dog and cat vets…there are marine mammal vets, and she said to me, “That is what I want to do!”

So we literally were at the tide pools for 3 ½ hours, and taking pictures and I was explaining to her what barnacles were ( not the ones on my feet…no no I’m just kidding) and we saw many many sea urchins and they were all covered in shells , and some were blue, others green some white and small, some so large. I told her to touch one very gently, and when you do the close up hoping to gather food…she was so excited, and frightened at the same time, but she wanted to learn and know and feel with all of her senses….

We sat on the rocky landscape and watched the waves come up below us and just sat and listened and felt and breathed the sea air in, and it was so beautiful. She couldn’t get enough. We went around and found a tide pool that was so pretty and there was a rock laying on a sea urchin and we picked up the rock and saved it..because its lower half was a bit damaged…and she was so happy! We’ve saved it’s life she danced and danced! The picture above is Rachele's feet...I love that picture..I love feet...

We sat for a while and then my brother Sean came to join us…we stayed for about another hour..playing in the sand, and waters edge..and then decided to go and get something to eat…

We went to a little Mexican restaurant not far from the beach and sat and talked and laughed and had salsa and chips…water.. We went back to the beach house and then watched Pirates of the Caribbean at World’s Edge, one of Ray’s favorite movies….

Ok we are now pulled over on the side of the road, Ray is sick again, and the sun is beating on her in the back seat and she is about to spontaneously combust, and my mama is on the phone with her and she’s like I can’t talk right now Grama I’m about to throw up and my head is on fire from the sun…..So Sean is (all 6 feet 1 inch) crammed in the back seat, with his bad back trying to arrange the stuff into the back window so she is ok…all the while Semi-trucks are passing us and that’s scary….but I have tears streaming down my face because he’s trying to shove this (wait a min long pause- had to change cd’s) bag which has a small velvet chair and this glass object that my aunt bought me in to the back window…and I can’t even talk because I’m laughing so hard, and I’m trying to tell him as he keeps shoving the bag, and saying “what the hell’s in this bag” uhhhhhh hello it’s glass, and by now it is broken..so he takes the glass object out of the bag..oh easier to shove it in the back window now…nothing is going to stop him now…and semi trucks are still speeding by…(I’m sure were going to die any second) …well Ray is saying that uncle Sean…there is a chair in the bag…he’s like “A CHAIR” what are you talking about? He opens the bag, and indeed a chair is in there…and it won’t no matter how hard he tries. ..fit into the window…so out comes the chair…and the bag is empty…and he fixes it in the window to make sure that Ray is now no longer burning up..hat on her head, door closed....foot on the gas pedal, and we are off again….Whew…another near death experience…

Anyway…great day yesterday, and today?? Well I will let you all know when I arrive….and If you don’t hear from me…well I don’t have to explain that one do I?

Love you all!

Stacy

P.S. Made it home...

Hi....Well guess what I just finished typing this whole page and it disappeared...that makes me a bit pissy..ok so here we go again...

I guess the little blue button on the bottom that says "save now" I should hit periodically..

Ok so Ray and I are in California..we came down for a few days to just hang with the family, and Natasha my cousin is having an engagement party! So tonight we are having the party was supposed to be last night, but family from Canada on the grooms side evidently didn't think that their 6 month old baby needed a passport and they missed the plane...still don't know how that will work out...

Airport Woes! Well after getting dropped off at the airport, I decided to check in for the flight inside because at 8:15am in the morning in Vegas it is already 95 degrees and I am melting!!

So Ray and I go to the US Air ticket counter, and as I approach..I look at both lines...hmmmm..first class line 4 people...regular line 104 people...Yep were checking in at the first class counter..I can because I am a dividend miles silver preferred member...and what does that mean exactly?????? Shorter lines and board first..ok I will take it this time...

So I drag my 57 pound suitcase up to the counter, (which I don't think it is over 50 pounds..because if it is...50 Bucks!) Well I lug the b*tch on the scale and yep..57 pounds....Sh*t! Well she says as she smiles so politely..ok well it is 15$ to check your bag in...HUH? When did that start? That started July 1st. Ok I can handle the 15$ but I'm not happy about it...and no way am I paying 50$ more. So she looks at me sizing me up and down, and says just take out two pair of jeans...OHHHHH...yea two pair of my jeans weigh 7 pounds!! Are you friggin nuts? (apparently she had not had her morning starbucks!) Yea soaking wet jeans not put through the spin cycle, which by the way I didn't have in my suitcase..only dry jeans folded neatly..so I took out two pair of jeans...gave her a look, zipped up the suitcase, stood it up and low and behold..it took off 1 1/2 pounds! Not the 7 pounds that she thought. Yes, Ray is mortified at this point!

So I thought maybe it was the 7 pair of shoes I brought? So I put the suitcase down, opened it up and dug through it..and (while not even being aware of the line behind me) took out 5 pair of shoes! Zipped the suitcase up, stood it up and yea! Only 50.7 pounds...at this point I hoped she would let the .7 pounds slide because at this point I would be taking out a pair of panties...and I told her so! She said she would let the last .7 lbs slide! Whew!

So here we are carrying shoes and two pair of jeans...I had another bag with me that I had my laptop in..so not so bad..but we ran up stairs and bought an I Love Las Vegas bag..for 7.95 and shoved the jeans and shoes in there and went through the security check point....hmmmm...now which line..First Class line 4 people..regular line 104 people!

First Class..Dividend Miles holders as well so I didn't cheat! So through quickly, but what grosses me out is that you have to take your shoes off..and I am forever wearing strappy heels, so no socks...ugh! And I get all grossed out walking on the floor, and I tip toe through the metal detector, basically walking on my first two toes...and holding my breath...Ray has socks on and again is mortified! She is like "Mom not only do you look like a Barbie today, you are walking like one, and you're killin me!"

I don't care..there are thousands of germs on the floor...ugh..Oh then as we are leaving security..I left my mobile phone and my drivers license in the little bucket..and the TSA agent yells my name "STACY" and I jump out of my skin..cause I can't figure out for the life of me what I did, and I turn around and she has my ID and phone, which I would have figured out I didn't have it in like 3 more seconds, I was too busy trying to put on my shoes while balancing on two toes!

So..we run to the restroom because I had to wash my hands and wipe off my feet and then we go and wait to board the plane...

Plane ride was good...we got into California on time, Auntie picked us up...we went back to the manse an had chocolate chip pancakes! She makes the greatest Chocolate Chip pancakes. But so sweet, and I watch my sugar intake! (How boring!) Ray was soooo happy. We then went to the cliff house/beach house in Laguna, and just relaxed untill we went out to dinner at 8:30, and Ray the poor baby was car sick so we had to pull over 2 times to have her walk around before we got there!

But we got there and it was a great Mediterranean place called Open Sesame and had a nice dinner closed the place down... Grama went with us too...and Ray was pushing her all over the house in her wheel chair, and out on the sun decks too...and she wanted to pay her 5$ Rachele wouldn't take it..but then Grama was getting mad..so she took the 5$.

Anyway that was my day yesterday...slept not so good...was in a bit of pain, and Ray was all over the place!

I will write again tomorrow!

Love you all

Hi everyone!

Well just an update on what is going on.....Well I have surgery scheduled again on the 25th...it will be in the afternoon..and I will go home after..so not so crazy as last time. (Oh I thought this picture says it all....how funny is that?)

I spent a good amount of time at the Plastic Surgeons office yesterday deciding on what I want to do...Silacone or Saline...and ugh..we both decided to actually order both and he would decide when we are actually in surgery.

It is amazing how these implants are made...and the diameter and the projection and all of these specifics...I was very intrigued, and me with the thousand questions...I had to understand everything...

So I would rather have silacone which only goes up to 800ml...and saline can go to 950ml...so I am not sure what he will implant..I said again I would rather have the silacone..and now he is going to do some surgery on the other boobie as well..so instead of him leaving it alone...he wants to do something to that one as well...ugh!

Ok..so I trust him and then when I wake up I will be perfect! The surgery was scheduled on that Tuesday of that same week..but then he moved it to Friday, then he realized that he would be out of town right after that...so he moved it to the Monday of the same week...So he can see me the next day...

So important I walk...and I will be getting an injection of Lovenox before and after surgery and two times a day for 10 days after...no blood clots for me...

I let my family know yesterday when the surgery was...and so that would be on a Monday and Saturday Rob and the kids minus Amanda are going to California...she will stay home with me, and hang out..and by then I should be good anyway!

So Sean is in town from Atlanta...and we are going to dinner tonight with Rachele. Amanda will be at the gym training...and Berto..with his Dad...but with Dad and Mom and my cousins in from New Jersey so a mini family reunion! We are going to the Rio Hotel...they have a nice dinner place there so it will be fun!

Going to my oncologist Dr. Manno before that at around 4:30 or so..have to start a new medicine actually for neropathy...side effect of the surgery..it will help with the pain I have been having in my arm. It's because they removed lymphnodes so then I guess that it could cause problems with the nerves...and the lymph system. So I will know later, and he is such a good doctor..he called me during my late lunch with my family and I have an appointment with him on Friday morning, but he wants me to come into his office today end of day so we can talk and he isn't so distracted with other patients. So Rachele and I will go there first then to the dinner!

Well that is all actually, and I want to thank everyone as usual for all of your love and support and being so there for me...you so know how much I appreciate you all!

Ok..enough for now...

Love..

Stacy

Hi everyone!

Well everything is going well...so not much news to report..working on starting a non-profit company for breast cancer..but not talking about it too much, can't give everything away!

The countdown begins again...so just a few more weeks and then I will be complete again! Yea!

Well not in much of a mood to write...workin' so I will touch base soon!

Oh by the way I don't have to take any meds! So no side effects....Yipee!

Love to you all!

Stacy

Hey HI HI HI.....and guess what I had a birthday and am now 29 again....LOL..nope 42 and proud...

Right now it is 9:57 pm on Wednesday night, and I am actually supposed to be looking at these two powerpoint presentations that I am supposed to have a webx in the 7 in the morning while simultaneously looking at the web tool interface. Yea....don't think so...I'm tired...and was up this morning at 5:15 with the sun coming up and actually Buster (the pug) was in his crate yowling...so I got up..and took both dogs downstairs it was so peacefull outside and then put buster in the dog run and lola in her bed downstairs and crawled back upstairs to get all comfy in bed again, because I actualy set my alarm for 6:50...well then I heard all kinds of commotion in the dog run...and yes the dogs were playing with Buster all excited that he came into visit so early....stupid on my part.

Oh well I was up by then...day went well today worked a bit on the non-profit that I am doing with Boo and also preparing for another meeting tomorrow.. Later in the afternoon, the dogs decided to dig to China again because they heard that the Olympics are going to be there and yes...they also heard that they are not serving dog. How polite of them...well Ray and I looked out the window at the water everwhere again because of the sprinkler system being dug up and what do we see besides water mud etc. Roxy our other dog (yes we are so insaine) with this huge root in her mouth....and Ray and I were laughing so hard because she was talkin to us with her eyes: She was saying...."Look at me and my bad self, yea I dug it up, and proud of it." Now she talks with a bit of a southern drawl.. She was so proud, and it looked like a huge spider with 20 legs hanging from her mouth, and it was basically her kill, and she was sharing with us.

We laughed so hard, and I guess you have to be there but just the look on her face..so proud...When I was tuckin in Ray tonight for bed she and I were talking about it again and at the same time we both go "She was so proud" did the fist bump after that...LOL

Well tomorrow I have an appointment with my Oncologist...Dr. Phil Manno..gonna go for some more tests, and then start the dreaded yucky pills I have to take for the next 5-7 years...supposed to make you all out of sorts..let me look up the side effects hold on......(long pause)

Hot flashes -- in up to 80 percent of people
Water retention -- up to 32 percent
Nausea -- up to 26 percent
Irregular menstrual periods -- up to 25 percent
Weight loss -- up to 23 percent
Abnormal Periods -- up to 23 percent.

Other common tamoxifen side effects (occurring in 2 to 19 percent of people taking the drug) included:
Increased risk of Uterine Cancer- Yea no thanks
Bone pain- Broke a bone before that hurts
Back pain- Been there done that
Headaches - Those suck
Cough- Already a side effect of my high blood pressure meds....nice
High cholesterol (see Tamoxifen and High Cholesterol)= Great just turned 42 dad died at 42 from heart related problems
Fatigue- I'm aready a sloth..(not really)
Muscle pain- hmmmm could use a massage actually
Ovarian cysts- been there done that
Skin changes- Huh? Will I turn purple?
Blood Clots- Been there done that X 2
Infection- Where?
Indigestion or heartburn- Stocking up on Pepto Bismol
Insomnia (see Tamoxifen and Insomnia)- GREEEEEAAAATTT
Constipation or diarrhea- Do I get them both yipeee..I choose constipation on Monday and Diarrhea Tuesday..and they call Wednesday hump day...not happening
Anemia- I already glow in the dark
Weight gain (see Tamoxifen and Weight Gain)- In my bra whooooo! ..
Mood changes- God help us all!!! Do I get xanax as a kicker....?
Hair loss- Do I get to choose which body part I loose it from??
Guess what everyone...Im not taking the friggin pills, I will take my chances...

I'm crying right now....LMAO...

Love you all....talk to you after tomorrow....

Stacy...

Faith believe and wisdom....I wear them on my fingers engraved into 3 silver rings...my mantra for my life..

Have my faith tatoo...boo too and Lori and Lesley

Want a claudaugh ring....represents faith...have to get one of those soon...Ireland here I come.

Stacy

Faith believe and wisdom....I wear them on my fingers engraved into 3 silver rings...my mantra for my life..

Have my faith tatoo...boo too and Lori and Lesley

Want a claudaugh ring....represents faith...have to get one of those soon...Ireland here I come.

Stacy

Hi all...

I went to the doctor yesterday for an "exapansion"....not wanting to expand anymore actually, but he wants one more...I am already 50ml larger than the implant that they are going to replace the exander with. Can you say OUCH!... I used to be so excited to get the fill up...but now...not so much.

I only got a little of a fill up because it is like filling a water baloon and you know when you know it is full but you think just a little more...and you are hoping it doesn't break? Yea..thats me right now.

I talked to my surgeon yesterday and during surgery he attached an alloderm graft inside my chest it goes from 2 o'clock to 7 o'clock. I was wondering why my ribs below my boobie were hurting so bad...well he attached the graft to my stomach muscles right below my boobie with a running stitch (hundreds of them) about a centimeter apart all the way up. This skin was donated by a cadaver...so I have someone elses skin inside of me....good point though they wash all of the cells out of the skin before they implant them.

I asked my surgeon how in the heck did he do that? I only had an incision that is about 2 inches long and on the side of my boobie, how did he get all the way down to my stomach muscles inside to attach this graft with a running stitch even? He just smiled and said...no one has ever asked me that before, and he appreciated that i took the time to and that I appreciated his work! Of course I appreciate his work...he is an artist and still has more work to do... He was all happy and proud! Amazing actually! Well next week one more fill up...then a month or two and I have surgery to put in the silacone implant! Yea!

He says that is a day surgery, so I will be in and out and asking for fries with that! (Drive Through)

Thanks for listening,

Stacy

Today is July 5th, 2008....

It's been a while since I have written, but basically it has been more of the same. Each week I have gone for a fill, and I actually am going to take a break this week because my pectorial muscle is really really sore. Having a hard time just moving my arm up and down, sleeping...but i'm doing ok.

I honestly can not wait for all of this to be complete, but actually I've heard a saying to cherish every step to your journey because each step is a lesson that you must go through to get to where you want to be.

Denzil Washington tells his kids, "You do what you have to do, so you can do what you want to do." If you ask my kids the question: "What do you do?" They will roll there eyes and say: "You do what you have to do, so you can do what you want to do." So they got it I guess. Simple really.

Well so you wanna hear about my 4th of July???

Independence Day... Well I went to the market and got a 3foot sandwich, and all kinds of other yummy things to make. Ray and I went and the poor dear had to help me schlep the one case of water onto the cart because I still can't lift that much, and she was so cute to help me and loved every step of the grocery shopping. I on the other hand would rather lay down on the hot pavement in the middle of the street than go grocery shopping. Can't stand it! Don't mind making the food, and eating it..just don't like crusing up and down the aisles searching for processed cheese spread and finding it on the chip aisle? Wouldn't you think it would be by the cheese. Bastards! They think it is funny to put cheese on the chip aisle. It was a big block of Velveta, for the bean dip I made. I also made enchalada cassarole with chicken, and two beautiful pies!

The pies were pineapple and creamcheese in a graham cracker crust, with strawberries, bannanas, bluberries and whip cream on the top! Yes to die for! We had a large assortment of fireworks, many that were not "exactly legal" for our county...which I was not aware of until they were flying into the sky and exploding like the fireworks on New Year's eve!

Yes they were pretty, but I was not exactly that happy. One thing I found out last night is that alcohol and fire works don't mix, and some people really don't know when to stop...that is the drinking and the fireworks.

It's around 10 pm and everyone is perched out front in chairs and we even have the two dogs buster and lola out front with us. I thought it best to start to wind down and asked Chris to put Buster away in his bed upstairs. Now Chris (Amanda's B-friend)is still nursing a broken wrist with a brace, and busters bed is a little tricky to say the least to latch. Well I was out front sweeping up some of the mess when all of the sudden I hear a loud pop and lowe and behold, a bush is on fire.

Yes, and it is around 100 degrees outside and the bush is basically just kindling at this point. Now the bush is about one foot from Chris's truck, so I am yelling as I am beating the bush with the broom "chris move your truck it's on fire" he is still upstairs and hears everyone screaming..and flys down the stairs and can't even get his keys fast enough juggling them in his hands as he is running all the while...the flames are getting higher, and lickin the tree about 5feet in the air. The flames are under his truck and any minute now the gas tank will explode, and yes I am still beating the burning bush with the broom, that at this time has no bristles left because they have all melted. So I am basically beating the burning bush with a plastic stick!

What is everyone else doing? I couldn't tell you I was too engrossed in the fire that I can now see is catching the tree on fire, at any second I was going to scream call the fire department. Well.....Randy Berto's friend comes running up with the ice chest minus the beer bottles...(I guess someone took the time to take all of the beer and soda out of it before dumping it on the burning bush) and put out the flames at least to a point that we could stomp out the rest. And you know what I thought was really funny...here comes Berto with a pan full of water and dumps it on the smoldering black carcas of a bush and says "I guess I'm a little late." This is my son who wants to be a fireman....starting the fire, and then late putting it out.

I look at everyone, and basically they were all just spectators...Unbelievable. Seriously I was beating the burning bush with all of my might...standing next to a truck that was going to explode at any second and the only one who moved was Berto who went inside to get a pan full of water, and his friend Randy. Rob sat on the chair with his leg elevated because of the surgery, and I think I actually saw him eating popcorn! There were 3 other men there and they finally came around but after the flames were around 2 inches high. Disaster averted.

No...I couldn't make this up if I tried, and again I am looking for the cameras.

But wait...that is not it...Everyone decided they wanted to play basketball. With beer bottles and the trashcan. Everyone missed. So yes glass in the street, cars driving by..and our neighbors are putting together a petition to name us the HillJacks of Abalone Bay...I was inside with Ray when this was happening cleaning up the burnt embers off my clothes and looking at my singed eyebrows and making sure that the black soot would eventually come off of my white shorts...

I hear the crashing of bottles, and yes the man in the chair was leading the contest, and at this point I got the big broom not the broom which was basically a stick with melted bristles and (no I didn't hit anyone with it, although a flash of using it that way did cross my mind) and started to sweep up the street. Ray helped me, Chris helped me...the others were cleaning up the mess from all of the fireworks... The man in the chair (Rob) kept cracking open beer after beer and playing basketball....well that got very tireing on my part. So I opened another beer and asked him if he wanted it, he said yes....so I prompltly poured it over his head, and asked him if he wanted another, and before he could answer because he was wiping the beer from his face and I think drowning and actually couldn't speak at this point, gave him another beer...yes over his head.

Well he stopped drinking and playing basketball.

That my friends was day 72 of my journey through breast cancer. Sound like fun? But on a lighter note...I feel really good, and I am blessed to be alive and healthy and get to experience all the days of my life.

Stacy

Back from the doctors...whoa....yes that was extremely painful. I actually saw stars, and not like I have ever seen before, even when I closed my eyes...I think I almost passed out. It was kind of strange actually because I was holding my breath and he kept telling me to breathe and I thought NO if I open my mouth to breathe I will let out a blood curdling scream and that probably wouldn't be a good thing.

It only hurt while he was jabbing my chest with the needle locating the port. I can't wait to get this thing out of me...and I told him so! I'm talking about the expander... He filled it with 80ml..I couldn't take much more actually it hurt too much. So I go in a week i go for another fill up and he wants to try another 100ml. Then he said weekly after that about 50ml until we are where we want to be..should be a month or so.

Do I look different?...I will look later...

Hello Everyone!

I am home...very uneventful trip back, except for the 3 accidents we drove by and the body bag on the side of the road....(that was really bad). Had a lovely time in California...needed the rest and relaxation. Well I have to let everyone know, that yes I am insaine and we got a new dog! She is an english bull dog, and she speaks with a beautiful english accent! Her name is LOLA. My cousin Jason got her for me to help me heal. Everyone just loves her except for the cat. Not happy.

Sat by the ocean, listened to the waves, reflected on my life and threw up...no just kidding...I'm good! Every day is a new opportunity for me to live and learn and grow and I accept that challenge with a head held high, and a skip in my step.

I go to the doctor today for my first fill up! YeA! So, so happy. I am not sure if it is going to hurt or not, but I will let you know. It is so crazy too, because when I went to the doctor last week he used this magnet to locate the actual port and it is on the top of my breast and then that is where he puts the needle to put in the saline to expand the expander. Before and After pictures today...(not for public viewing on the internet at any later date or on Jerry Springer, or Youtube!)

I watched a movie last night called Crazy Beautiful with Kirsten Dunst and Jay Hernandez and I just love movies that say something, mean something even if it is just one line and this one line was great. Set up: She is crazy and beautiful, doesn't think she is worth being loved, and he loves her. Ok, now the line:

"There are millions of people out there and in the end it all comes down to one- I still panic sometimes and forget to breathe but I know, I know there is somethig beautiful in all the imperfections, a beauty which he held up for me to see. A strength that can never be taken away."

How amazing is that! He saw beauty in her imperfections, and held up the mirror for her to see. Let her know that you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to fit into a specific mold to be right or beautiful, but to see beauty in the imperfections of people and love them for it.....doesn't get much better than that!

Being able to step back and look at the whole picture, not standing at the picture with your nose up against it. You don't see much that way.

I think it makes another person stronger if you can love them besides all of their imperfections, without judging...just knowing that it is that part of them that makes them who they are, and that is why you love them.

Ray gets all crazy when I have to listen to the one line in the movie over and over....rewind, rewind, rewind, just so I can write it down. But in a movie...maybe just one line summarizes the whole story and it makes you understand and feel like you never felt before.

Of course I am all about words...all about making the world a better place...one word at a time!

Have a believable day!

Stacy

Hi everyone! Drove down to California with my kids yesterday. So I can't drive that well yet, but still can drive ok. My oldest drove the whole way, I sat up front, Berto and Chris were in the second row of seats and then my little one sat in the way back. The trip was essentially uneventful, except right before we left while driving throught the drive through of Starbucks, my kids were fighting. Now picture this: Amanda driving and ordering the drinks, but Berto wanted to pay and get his drinks, so he is in the back seat. So she orders and pulls up to pay, but Berto says to pull forward and he would pay. So both windows are down, the Starbucks attendant is waiting with an outstretched hand for the cash, and Amanda is yelling "give me the money dumb a**", and he says "pull the car forward you idiot" so as I look at the Starbucks attendant, I say: " I am just the mother of these two, a mother of a dumb A** and an Idiot", and he said without missing a beat, Lucky You! LMAO....(lauging my A** off.)

Ok so that was before we even got on the road. The drive was basically pleasant until the last hour. We stopped a few times to run around the car and use the restroom, but the last hour, I would have rather been a hood ornament at that point. Bugs in the teeth and all! Berto (who by the way is almost 18) is screeching in the back seat that he needs to go to the restroom, we have basically 3 exits until we get off of the freeway, and Amanda won't pull over, he says fine I'm still going to go to the restroom. He promptly pulls out his Gatorade bottle gulps down the remaining blue liquid and proceedes to use it as a portable urinal. Nice...it is a liter and a half bottle and yep he almost filled it up which he proudly displays to the whole car. My little one is in the back seat, retching....Chris is laughing so hard he can't even contain himself and Boo and I are just....well if we could get any closer to the front windshield, we would actually be part of it, while basically screeching so loud that even the dogs are wincing.

And you wonder why? But he was so proud! As he holds it up and says look a new flavour, you think if I just put it in the fridge someone would drink it? Uh no... because everyone who would, is in the car and saw where the new flavour of Gatorade came from...yes everyone, I am not joking, I really don't make this stuff up...and again as I pinch myself hard and regular....is my life!

So we pulled off the freeway, got to our destination and thank goodness....got rid of the new flavour of Gatorade!

But wait...the fun isn't over..it's ten o'clock and I get a call from Rob and he also is screeching in an unrecognizable high pitched voice.....he's watching the dogs and once again they dug to china...and there is water in the yard everywhere. He worked all day, went to softball, got to the house at 10pm and low and behold...a tsunami was in the backyard. Can you spell F-R-E-E-W-A-Y? Could have taken care of them for ya...SO while he was cleaning up and picking up the dog house to throw in the yard (with an 120lb beast still inside) he slipped and fell...he only has one leg..at least one good leg...torn ACL in the other...surgery scheduled for the 24th....and you wonder why he would attempt to shotput a dog house with a dog in it across the yard? Hmmm. don't quite get that...

I spoke to him a short while later, he was looking for valium in the house....well I'm no idiot...the little blue pills are with me...I was the one going on a road trip with the kids remember...they are in my Pez dispenser..not taking any chances there... nope! So he just settled for some benedryl...and ice on the knee..and I didn't hear from him again...

(There are no actors, There is no script...this is my life!)

Love everyone...

Stacy

And the saga continues....sitting in the family room folding the laundry Ray looks out the window and in the spa is a pigeon. Hmmm...I think I vaguely recognize this one...I think I made friends with him this morning on the roof. He told me a little about himself: He's 3, loves cool nights out, and loves to take a spa! As I looked a little closer...he was actually water logged and about to take a nose dive into the deep abiss of the spa.

Ray was jumping up and down we have to save him...(I at least owed him that much, we did have a conversation this morning on the roof and he was a cheery charachter!) So I went outside scooped him up with my hands out of the spa, I think he actually had sea legs at this point because he looked drunk when he was walking, or was that because I saw Berto pouring beer into the pool this morning? Hmmm...you wonder? Well we shuffled him off into a sunny corner of the yard and it was at that moment I heard a faint distict musical tune playing in the background and low and behold ANOTHER chinese market had set up in our yard. They waved again and smiled graciously.... As I turned to look, Cain the largest of the two beastly dogs was covered, I mean covered in mud his whole face and his paws up to his neck. He was just as happy as a pig covered in mud but he's a dog! Yes! He dug to China again, boy I can't wait to tell Rob to come over and fix the mess again...(please)

Well Rob is in the back yard, yelling for me to turn on the sprinkler system on again off again, on the phone with Berto...wondering where he is because he was supposed to fix this problem. But Cain moved the dog house and chose the same spot to dig in which in turn dug up the sprinkler system that Berto had fixed this morning...but now is a huge mess again. Can you spell F-R-E-E-W-A-Y.... I will be up again at 2:30 am this morning but just opening the gate and telling the dogs...go and be free..much like the pigeon. Who by the way we carried to the front yard and he graciously tipped his wing and waddled his wet ass across the street for a brief rest before he flew off into the sunset!

By the way the doctor appointment went well, drain is gone... didn't get a fill up today...start next week Monday at 12:30pm sharp! Yea!

So that's been my day so far..it's 6pm...I've had a yogurt and a bananna for dinner, and I would say I'm done!

Night!

Stacy

Good Morning ! Well where am I right now? Basically perched on the edge of the roof debating if I should jump, and I need to decide quick because these are tile roofs in Vegas, and it is already 80 degrees outside and I'm basically doing the "walk on fire dance"..... Hmmm. How is your day going?

Ok....breathe....faith, believe, and wisdom...in and out breathe...deep cleansing breaths.... Oh this has nothing to do with my health...that is doing just fine, infact I go to the doctor in an hour for drain removal...how gross does that sound?

This has to do with my current surroundings. I was up all night because of the dogs. The two rottweiler/dobie mixes that Rob had to have and I knew that they would grow up to be complete barking, cr*pping, destructive beasts.

So picture this if you may: 2:30 am me running around the back yard trying to get the dogs into their yard. WHY you ask? Well they were whining and crying and no one would get up to see why...so I thought I would just take a peek. They didn't have any water. So I thought I could just scoot the water bucket into the yard quickly distracting them with treats thrown on the other side of the dog run, but NOPE...those lightning quick beasts did get the treats...but ran right past me and into the yard. I left the slider door open so I thought oh that's great they are going to run into the house, and destroy and go crazy, but they didn't thank goodness.

I ran into the house, and was yelling for now let me see there were 7 other people in the house. My kids = 3 Chris, Samantha, Whitey, and Rob. I was yelling up the stairs...not one person even moved. I could have been mauled by the dogs, and they could have been dragging my bones around the yard in the morning and no one would have even noticed I was missing! So I grabbed a couple of more treats and again tried to coax the 120lb beasts into their pen!

You really wouldn't believe this, yes everyone I was looking for the cameras! Everytime I would try they would run around the pool, and go on the other side so I couldn't reach them. I was afraid that they would jump the wall because they can, and now this morning in my clear thoughts I should have just let them jump and waved goodbye locking the slider behind me.

Actually I was thinking as I sat down listening to the crickets chirp...and looking at the stupid beasts across from me on the other side of the pool, this can't even be my life...but guess what...it is!

I spoke to Lori I told her I was perched on the roof, and she says "I expect it"...is that something that suprises you? That doesn't surprise me at all. Oh come on honey, make a decision either jump or go and get in the shower for your doctor's appointment, I haven't got all day." I was laughing my a** off.

Back to the beasts....finally I got them in their yard, and i didn't have to use anything but a shovel, and I was actually thinking if I banged them over the head and dug a hole would anyone notice? But I actually couldn't have done that, not because I didn't want to...but because I still have a drain tube sticking out of me as well as stitches!

Fast forward to this morning....I wake up to Rob is taking Ray to school and is yelling at the dogs, they had actually dug a hole to china and there was an actual chinese market in the backyard all set up with snacks like scorpians on a stick, and dog tail, hmmm. were they my dogs? No such luck...I smiled at the nice chinese people, and wandered over to the dog yard to see Rob with shovel in hand chasing them....not the chinese people, he was letting them in...the dogs. They were interested in the fact that they could actually have a "fresh meal in minutes" and were politely stepping out of his way.

He filled the hole, I said good bye to the chinese market, and Rob and Ray...and came up stairs to entertain all of you.

So I am off of the roof for now,instead i'm jumping into the shower, and no everyone....I don't make this up..it is real and it is my life.

I feel a change coming on....

Love you....

Stacy

It's Saturday morning and I am siting up in bed listening to the birds chirping outside and blogging. Today my little one is having her friend come over to spend the night and she is so excited, she gets to swim and have fun and we will barbeque something on the grill. Last evening I went out front to sit...the sun was setting it was around 7:30. It was interesting watching. I saw these four pigeons they were in the gutter and one of them kept picking up a pebble, then tasting it to see if it was food then dropping it, then picking it up again and then dropping it...the other pigeons got excited and then they were fighting over this pebble. Each pigeon pecking the ground...picking up the pebble and were feeling victorious when they thought they had found food. I watched them do this for about 5 minutes. I wonder why they kept picking up the same pebble all four of them over and over and then a car came and they stopped and flew away. But I wondered, ok I know pigeons are basically rats with wings, and people in other countries eat them for dinner, but I what I was watching was their instinct to survive.

I saw them hoping that that little pebble would turn into some piece of food, and that there would be more. I almost wanted to go inside and get some chips to feed them, but of corse I would have been bombarded by pigeons and then would have ultimately regretted that decision.

I want to write more about instinct and survival and I will later...I had a great phone call with my brother which I called in the middle of writing this morning because when I was thinking about the pigeons, I started thinking about him and how he helps everyone he touches, and I have now run out of time and have to run...more later....


Ok...I am back. I'm exhausted and really can't write any more about the pigeons I think I will pick it back up maybe tomorrow morning.

I went to the park with my little one and her friend today for a Democratic fundraiser for a friend who is running for an assembly position. My friend Lori is her campaign manager. So we stopped by for a little support. I went to the market today too....got a little stuff for dinner. That was the first time in the market since the surgery, tuckered me out. I cruised the wine isle that was fun, the last bottle of wine I bought was in Laguna Beach on May 3rd...memories.. before my surgery I went down to see my grandmother and spend time with family and friends.

I do like a good bottle of wine once in a while, it is supposed to be good for your heart, but I guess not to good for cancer, but I don't have cancer anymore...so I guess I will still drink an occasional glass.

I am going to go back to California next week with my kids to have them spend some time with my grandmother and family. I am going to the doctor on Monday so I will make sure I can go.

I did a bit too much today, that is for sure...I'm in a bit of pain....so I will rest for the rest of the night... you know how amazing it is that your fingers moving on the keyboard really affects your chest muscles....hmmm...

I Love You all...thanks for your cards and emails and phone calls...it keeps me going..

Stacy

Tomorrow I am going to the surgeon. She did a great job, and I am so glad that I chose to move forward with her and the plastic surgeon Dr. Earl. I haven't heard from her at all so I would guess tomorrow will be good news and progress.

It's a really windy and cloudy day today so when we go outside it is like a blowdryer in your face. Nice... supposed to have rain but I don't think that it will make it from the clouds to the ground it will evaporate before that.

I've not much to say today really..talk tomorrow...

Stacy

Hi...

I just waned to let you know that I took off my bandages today with all of this tape and ugh stuff....I put on some new gauze really don't need much of anything except where the drain still is. I get that off next week thank goodness, and I was just standing in the mirror and looking and really I would say that yes my left boobie is smaller than my right...lord knows that..it is just filled pretty good. So I have on the stretchy spaghetti strap tanks and no bra yet..so I will probably put one on tomorrow or thursday when I go to the doctor.

I was actually pretty happy because I thought that I would be so much smaller. I took a few pictures, only for ME though so I can keep a photo journal of how the healing looks. I do need to keep looking for specific changes in the skin etc.

So I need to make sure that it is still looking good etc. My girls have no problem looking at me...Rachele is so funny...she gets real close and says "mom...it looks so good here...and look how that looks." With this sweet little voice..and she helps me with my shots only 2 more and then done with the blood thinners... Doctor said that is probably why i am so bruised as well. I still have steri strips on the incisions, which should come off soon...I'm not sure if I have stitches on the outside or just inside? (actually have over 200 stiches on the inside...ouch)

I rested all day today really...I kind of felt not that great actually. But I must push myself a bit I think. I am looking forward to just maybe driving by myself and listening to music.

thats all for now....

Stacy

Good Morning! It's about 90 degrees already here and it's 9am. I'm doing good, not so much in a writing mood...i think I would rather blog in my other blog today. Went to the doctor yesterday got a good thumbs up! Another week of rest, then I'm going to get my self driving, and doing and going because I am not one to just sit around!...

Thanks for all of your emails and calls...it all works..

Stacy

Ok....updating everyone today.

It is June 1st. I am kickin in bed with Leslie (Boo's bff) laying next to me colouring one of Ray's fairy colour pages, with her phone playing music, Boo and Ray are on the floor working on fixing Boo's computer which needs an antivirus protection, and Lori is helping with that. Rob and Bear are at the other house. I am doing very well...I would say. The day of surgery I drove to the hospital with my 4 kids in the car with me. I had Bear in the front seat, Boo and Chris (boo's b-friend) in the middle seats and Ray in the way back...I was sweating not because I was nervous but because I woke Boo up at 7:15 and at 8:15 when I was saying it's time to go..she crawls out of bed with this look of..."oh sh*t are we leaving now"! Well...I had to be at the hospital which was 25 min away in lets see...15 minutes. So I went outside and sat in the car and waited for everyone to get themselves together.

Started the car and YES it was on EMPTY with NO gas...NONE...how convenient. Last night when I tucked the car in it had about a half of a tank of gas. So...was I suprised...no...we listened to Limp Bizkit My Way...which I love that song while driving and we were singing.

When we were pulling up to the hospital we were talking about how different names in different languages translate to english. So like Jorge is George...and Juan is John, and Berto was arguing with me and I thought that Jose would translate to John. We were arguing and laughing hard and he says "Mom its spelled H-O-S-E"...Jose...that is not John...and we were laughing so hard because he spelled out hose....like a water hose...I was crying I was laughig so hard, and did two trips through valet..because I couldn't stop because I was laughing... Then I stopped and got out and then he parked the car...so Boo..and Chris and Ray walked in with me.

We went in to admitting and then went upstairs to the 2nd floor for the pre test that I had to do which was a nuclear med test which was the tracer for the lymph nodes. That my friends... was the worst test and the worst pain I have ever ever felt in my whole life. Injecting a needle with radioactive dye straight into the boobie 4 times with no anesthesia at all. Then I had to lay there with this huge machine about an inch from my face for 35 min and not move...I just cried...tears rolling down my cheeks. Rob came into the room with me and even though he had to sit far away he was there. I put my headphones on and listened to my music..on my ipod...the first song that played when I hit the on button on the ipod because I couldn't see which song was going to play and Pink Floyd's- Comfortably Numb was on...how appropriate I thought!

I have become comfortably numb...ok ok ok ...just a little pin prick...there will be no more ahhhhhhhhhh...and you will feel a little sick..

When we were almost done..my mom and Fran came in to see the rest of the test...

We went up stairs and then there were let me see...about 12 people waiting to see me before surgery. My mom, Aunt Debbie, and Uncle Talat (they came from Ca. and brought my mom thankfully!), kids, bff, dad, mom, friends, fran...it was nice. We did a few quick good byes...Rob walked me into the surgery room and kissed me goodbye on the head and that was it.

When I was wheeled into the operating room I could not believe the number of instruments and bandages and sponges and scalpels and oh my medical stuff..it lined a 12 foot wall. I asked if that was all for me and he said yes. I kind of freaked out a bit, and then they didn't say a word to me...not a word and I was then just out.

The next thing I remember is yelling at the top of my lungs for these people who were all over me to stop touching me..and stop grabbing at me..I had no idea where I was and apparently I was in my hospital room being transported from my surgical bed to my bed for the next 2 or so days. I was not a happy girl. I really didn't hear any one else like any of my family at all. I was really mad and hurt and then they had to call in my Dad and I heard him talking to me and telling me what they were doing and how everything went. I felt so much better..I felt like I had woken up in the middle of surgery and was alone and so scared. He was so sweet, he just kept repeating that I was ok, and that everything went well and that I was fine.

So basically this is the story everyone: The cancer was not in my lymph nodes! Yea! That was hurdle number one. Number 2 was that it was only DCIS..and the other tissue that was "suspicious" was not even DCIS they say for now...so that is great news! We are still awaiting the "frozen" section to come back from Pathology..but on site under the microscope it was nothin..so..yea again! Then the other thing is that they did the nipple sparing mastectomy. So got to keep my nipple..and so happy about that..even though my boobie is about 50 different colors...

There are 2 incisions one under my arm on the side of my chest about 1 inchelong and another that comes from the side to the nipple...and it is about 2 inches long. I can barely lift my left arm at all and it aches..I have a drain coming out the side...and I have to take a shot everyday in my tummy to prevent blood clots...I have an expander in right now inside and under my chest muscle. The doctor filled it with saline 400cc's to be exact. He said to me that it was the most saline that he has ever filled after a breast recon. I think he didn't realize that HELLO I have a lot to start with. I have about 400-450cc's to go to be all done...it should take a month or so.

I've been really sick to my stomach a lot..haven't eaten much, couldn't go potty either, can't sleep well cause I have to sleep on my back and I am a side sleeper and can't sleep on my left side or right side. I have pillows gallore next to me.

My mom was a life saver I will say for sure. She slept with me the first and second night in the hospital, and when I woke up...I didn't wake up just nice, I woke up shaking and crying and throwing up all at the same time from the pain...the nurses were so good to me they came running in injected my iv with morphine and within a couple of minutes I was about knocked out..that happened about every 4 hours..for the next 36 hours. I was on the cancer ward, which I didn't like very much, but everyone there was so kind.

So here I am post op day 5. Taking only 1 pain pill about every 4 hours...and not sleeping very well, but a bit better.

I have a good support system here at home, Lori has been with me everyday, my Kids, Rob, my friends...Boo and Ray are helping me in the bath, because I have to bathe everyday. Berto gives me a really great long hug and kisses me at least 2 times a day...which is huge for him and me. He isn't such a hugger but he gets really cute and tucks his head right on my shoulder and holds me tight...I will as long as I live cherish his hugs because I feel how much he wants me to be ok and feel his love. Ray loves to wash my hair, and Boo blowdrys it for me. I need help getting dressed right now, because I can't really bend over and move well it's a bit painful. I really am so blessed by the friends and family that are around me. Dad came by yesterday and sat next to the bed and talked, told me how I was yappin at the nurses and with his sense of humor he made me laugh and I told him to stop. Bob and Carol came by today and brought some great muffins and had a great visit. Bob (little Brother's step dad..we have the same father but he died when Carol was pregnant with him) came by the hospital one day and it was just me and him, and we had a great conversations from politics to the surgery, and then he walked me around the floor about 3 times which I loved so much...It was nice to just spend some time with him and he brought me a nice bamboo plant with a pretty orchid in it. Everyday my mom's and aunt and brother's and cousins and friends check on me..thank you for that...

Tomorrow I go to the plastic surgeon at 2:30pm and we will find out the next steps for the next couple of months or so...I am going to have the final implant put in in 4 months or so...it will be a silicone implant I think I will see. I still have a bit of a road ahead of me, and I need to see my oncologist in a couple of weeks...he wants to start me on a drug to help prevent breast cancer in the future. I am not sure about radiation or any chemo but so far they say no way...no how...right now.

I feel so thankful and so blessed and so friggin happy that everything went exactly as I saw, visualized, and prayed about. I know that I have been of so many prayer chains from people that I don't even know...People in Kenya, Africa..Dubai, UAE...London, England..San Francisco, California...everywhere in the world praying for this outcome. I really feel so fortunate. Everyone who has thought of me has touched my life, and amazing how one thought can permeate the whole universe. We as people are so much more connected than we even think or even know.

I am a believer, always have been..I have my faith even in the darkest times..and I have the wisdom to understand that even when we don't understand I have the ability to get through it...one step at a time..and holding on tight to god, my angels with one hand and whomever I choose with the other...which is usually everyone I love with my heart and soul...

Thank you for your calls your prayers...your love...your support..your time..your energy..your hearts...and most of all you!

I Love you all,

Stacy