Tired Girl

Well hello,

I am really happy that I changed the name of my blog... New blog name: Does an Angel Contemplate my Fate? I do indeed think so! Ya know when I first had an inkling that I may have Breast Cancer? Somewhere in the early summer of 07 actually.. How did I know that? Well it just came flying out of my mouth in an argument that I was having with Rob. Now we really don't have screaming matches...in fact..we are pretty calm when we argue. I was just talking about the incessant "same" stuff that we always talk about, and I said: "What if I had Breast Cancer, would that make you like stand up and realize that there is more to life than just a clean house?" Hmm... he stopped and looked at me and was like: "What do you mean?" Well he asks me this question because at this point he is scared...because I tend to get feelings...thoughts, and they usually come true...Bad or Good...scary or not.

He looked at me...and said...and I will never forget this.. (I was standing at the edge of the bed with laundry in one arm, and he was in the bed looking at me) he said: "I would never want that to happen to you..never." "I would never want anything to happen to you." Which is a good thing...because I honestly sometimes think the piano wire trick..was invented just for him!

So..I thought about it for a few days after that... and I ignored it. But as fate would step in...around January of 08...is when I had the dream. So.. I listened to the dream...and I do believe that I am alive because of it.

Listen to your intuition...even if your intuition is telling you something bad..don't ignore it EVER! Because we are mind, body, and spirit...all connected in one happy package. We live as if we are 3 in one... and we are not. Take all three aspects of you..and make them work together to be more aware of what is going on with your body.

Kinda like when someone is in the ER room waiting, because they are having terrible stomach pains...only to find out that they are about to deliver a baby! I don't get that... so completely unaware of themselves. Or..when someone is ignoring signs of ill health...for such a long time that they only come to the realization when there is a complete impairment of some limb, or eye.. Come on folks.. wake up... Don't be separate...

If you are a hysterical hypochondriac on the other hand...keep being that way...just don't tell everyone.. until you know for sure that you do have that "brain tumor." (Verifiable from a CT Scan!)

Unite...come together..and live!

Stacy

Take a look at the video...Spread the word!




Awesome! Go to www.earthhour.org

Stacy

It's Friday finally. I am happy about that. Down time...

Wrote an email to Ray's teacher today..she is a sweet heart.

I'm a bit crabby..and grumpy... I think Tired.

Ya..that's it..

So... no more writing..


LOL..

ME

Hi......

It's Valentines Day... And boy have I had some conversations today. It started this morning with a call from my mom...she is so sweet, and always so worried about me. We had a funny conversation..and she was telling me all about her neighbor who was crying because her husband doesn't believe in Valentines Day. Honestly..what man does? The men, actually think Geeze..I have to go and get flowers or a card, or something else...I was in the line at Sam's club an I saw a man holding flowers...he looked a bit hurried, because it was about 5:30..and I wondered what was going on in his head.

He was in line at Sam's club...getting a bouquet of flowers...I kinda felt sorry for him. He looked goofy to me. I'm not judging, no not at all, just stating the facts. I could tell that he was not at all comfortable with his purchase. Like if he was getting a DVD of "Saving Private Ryan" or the whole 5th season of "South Park" he would have looked much more comfortable with his purchase. He was thinking... " I hope these are good enough." "Are these good enough?" "SHIT..what if she doesn't like them?" He was looking at every flower, and smelling them and then looking again... The poor soul. All of this for a bouquet of flowers that will be put into water, then be thrown out in the trash with the empty milk carton, and the empty box of cereal.

All of that...just to give someone flowers. Well...as I stared at him a bit more..(out of the corner of my eye...I'm not a stalker!) I then started to feel good for him. Good that he took the time out of his day to just pick up a bouquet of flowers from Sam's Club. Then I though that the woman who was to get those flowers..was actually lucky that he took the time to go to a where house superstore to get flowers! People were selling all kinds of flowers on the street corners...flowers, bears..candy.

So as I checked out of the market...I watched him smile...say thank you..and then turn for the door.. Happy with his purchase. Happy to make someone else happy. I guess that's all that really matters. Just as long as you are happy! Because, Life's to short to be anything but happy!

Stacy

Hello! Nothing much to report on my health. Besides the fact that I almost had a heart attack yesterday. I can't tell you why....but I will soon. Other than that...its just a normal day of watching the fish swim, watching the clouds ...oh..no clouds today!

I really think that life is just crazy. Honestly. Just when you think you've got it down, BAM something hits you like a freight train.

My health is good...and it will keep getting better. I have been on the treadmill, and walking everyday which will help with my joints. Which by the way are always sore! A side affect of LIFE I think!

Wanted to write in the blog today..so to report any changes in my world. Oh yes, how my world changed yesterday....

I will tell you when I can. Is it good? I think so... oh the picture above..it's Bear and CoCo... aren't they cute?

Stacy

DREAMER: "Well I come from an Island, its called the Island of Heart. It's surrounded by the sea of Intuition. The days are short and the nights are even shorter, and every dawn a fresh breeze blows away the static thoughts and dead ideas."

REALIST: "So, I come from the planet earth. My people are stubborn and set in their ways. Our ideas don't just float in on a breeze. We plant them in the ground, and watch them into big ass trees, with big ass roots. I eat dreamers for breakfast!

DREAMER: Ya Right? You drink your breakfast from a can!

I have always been called a Dreamer...and mostly in a derogitory sense...Keep your feet on the ground! I'm told...Don't reach for the stars. You're such a Dreamer! all the while shaking their heads, tsk tsk tsk...

Well you know what? You BUZZ KILLERS! I have this little half moon paper weight on my desk. It is silver and engraved. The inscription says "Dreams are necessary to life"

Another quote from this film that I love....

Jack and Jill are walking to his car...a silver mercedes.

She says, "Oh, he sweeps me away in his big boring silver bullet."
He says, "That's not good enough for you Princess?"
She Says, "No, I was hoping for a chariot and Unicorns, something a little less predictable!"

I'm so the "she says." The Dreamer.....and I am so happy for that. I will never keep my feet on the ground...I will never stop reaching for the stars..and I will never stop being me...until me stops...

:)

Just a quick note to say hello....

I am underwater actually....been sick, kids sick...everyone sick. So going to get an x-ray tomorrow on my chest...been coughing too much. Lets hope that we can nip it in the bud. Well it's been a few days I been sick... Like since last week..Today is Monday..and I am really happy that tonight is the season opener of Heroes and also Medium! Yea.

So I am just relaxing with my little one who is sick with an ear infection..I just coughing and coughing...

I will touch base this week...again..

Stacy

Hi...it's been a while...

Well I thought that I should write at least 3 times a week. I really should...So I will vow to do it!

Well we have all been so sick...I have been putting it off..right? Like you can put being sick off..I should say pushing it off... I have been taken care of everyone..and it's been making me tired. Well we had to go to go away for the weekend for a Family function...and I was sooo sick the whole time. Drove home last night...

Just got off of the phone with my oncologist, and.......argh.... he won't give me any antibiotis...He thinks taht this is a virus that must work itself out...I told him that I will give him a call in a couple of days from the hospital and let him know how I am feeling. He laughed (nervously) and said that he would rather see me tomorrow and get an x-ray if I feel really bad. So..I will keep you updated.

My thought for this: I know me. I know my body...do I have a virus? Nope..it is some icky mean bunch of germs, actually having a party right inside my lungs! Yep, throwing a party, drinks, friends and the whole shebang!

I know I will need antibiotics...let's just see if I know me?

Stay tuned.......

Stacy

Here is the video of the actual swearing in!



Here is an excerpt from his speech and the full text version!



January 20, 2009, 12:07 pm
President Obama’s Inaugural Address
As prepared for delivery.

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land - a nagging fear that America’s decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America - they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things - some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions - that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act - not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions - who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them - that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works - whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account - to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day - because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control - and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart - not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort - even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West - know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment - a moment that will define a generation - it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence - the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed - why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America’s birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

“Let it be told to the future world…that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive…that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it].”

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Well what a miracle! A plane going down in the Hudson River in NY City and no one died. If you take a look at the picture above....on a wing and a prayer...really gives you a different meaning of that phrase...

Well I just thought that it would be important to have some kind of mention in my blog about this.. They are calling it the "Miracle on the Hudson."

Here is a video as well: AMAZING!



God Bless them all....and the pilots and crew, Wow...

Today is Monday...and the middle of January almost already. I swear I don't know where the time goes. Had a quiet weekend went to some friends house this weekend and played some board games...they were so funny. Came home and played the games with the kids... Scattagories it is called. Such a funny game, and it makes your head think.

So there is this "so-called" dice that has letters on it. You roll the die, and what ever letter it comes upon that is the letter that all of your answers must have in it. Then you have a card that has 12 different phrases.

So if you rolled an S all answers must be an S. So an example:

1. Fictional Characters --- Simon Says
2. Menu Items --- Spaghetti
3. Magazines --- Shape
4. Capitals --- St. Louis
5. Kinds of Candy --- Snickers
6. Items you save up to buy--- Shoes
7. Footwear --- Socks
8. Something you keep hidden--- Secrets
9. Items in a suitcase --- Shirts
10. Things with Tails --- shrew
11. Sports equipment --- Softball
12. Crimes --- Serial Robber

You only have 3 minutes and if your answer matches another persons both do not get the point! It was so fun... we laughed and laughed.. Berto came up with the most crazy answers, and challenged us to find him not right... but we would let him get away with some of them.... One of his answers was for a capital- Shazakistan... we were like NO WAY...but he was so adimant... funny!

Anyway that was it... just relaxed did all the normal daily grind...wanted to get to the movies...but that didn't happen..

Take it easy..... Stacy

Hi just a quick note...

I was started a new medicine, called amitryptyline it is for nerve pain.
I like it better than the neurontin. The neurontin made my taste horrible. Made everything taste horrible.

Sean is on it as well, for his nerve pain. So both me and Sean are on the same meds...funny his for the nerve pain from his back surgery, me for my breast cancer surgery.

Oh I'm not in such a writing mood.. so I will rest now..

Stacy

You must Love your neighbor as you love yourself.....

My father sent this email to me..along with a prayer..

My instructions were to pick people that I wanted God to bless, and I picked you. Please pass this prayer because....Prayer is one of the Best Gifts we Receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards. Let's continue to pray for one another.

Here is the prayer :

I ask You to bless my Relatives, Friends, and everyone reading this right now. Where there is Pain, give them Peace and Mercy. Where there is Self-doubt, release a Renewed Confidence through Your grace. Bless their Homes, Families, Finances, their Goings and their Comings. Amen.

Sweet and simple and I loved it.

My dad is a great guy, and I couldn't have asked God for a better man to raise me as his daughter, and love me the way he does. He is always there...and I love him so very much. I don't know what I would do without his level head, and listening spirit. He is always listening. He waits until I am done talking, even if I am going on and on about nothing.. he just patiently waits and listens...and his responses are always something that I eagerly await. He is kind, and caring, and loving, and most of all Funny as all get out! He makes me laugh all of the time with his sense of humor. I am so lucky to have him as my father. I know God blessed me with him...he saw my life even when I was 5 years old and he became my new dad..he saw my road in this life long before I did. He knew what I would be and where my journey would take me.. and I'm happy to have my father with me... So God thank you for my Dad...thank you for the vision that you had to choose such an amazing man for me.

Stacy

Well everyone....

I'm in the clear... results back..and its all good!

WHEW...feels like I dodged a bullet...nope more like a Rocket Launcher...

LOL...

Just so you all know... I'm soooo Happy!

Here is a great video...amazing singers...



Stacy

SO...I wrote a letter to President Elect Obama... I wanted to post it here..it is about survival, not only as a breast cancer survivor, but as a nation.

What does this inauguration mean to me?

By Stacy

In today's economic turmoil it is important, no, it is imperative that American's know that our Leaders of this great nation are in touch with the people. As we all well know, history repeats itself. Today, as I sit here in my home, I reflect on the situations that many people here in Nevada and throughout this great nation are enduring. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer 9 months ago, and because of that I have learned a great deal about surviving, not only to live your life, but the actual realization of the innate ability to survive and your survival instinct.

Due to my health, I have not been able to do as much as I used to do. While staying at home recovering I started a non profit organization, to help Breast cancer survivors, co-survivors and anyone interested in learning about Breast Cancer. I have met many amazing people across this great nation, including other survivors, husbands of victims, and physicians who are helping Fight Pink with our vision, by sharing their books, stories of survival, heartache, and faith. I have had so many tough challenges to overcome in the last 9 months, but never gave up, never stopped being a survivor, I choose to survive.

To survive in the economic turmoil of today, not only within our borders, but on the Global stage is and will continue to be the up most important task of your administration. What has caused this economic downfall? There is certainly more than one cause. We can blame the mortgage industry, we can blame the War on Terror, we can blame oil prices, free trade, and we can blame each other until we are blue in the face, but what we need now is action.

I spoke of History repeating it self? Let's look at the great depression. It was caused by investors selling off 16 million shares of stock because they had lost faith in the American Economy. Can it happen again? I do believe so. It will not happen in one day that we call "Black Thursday", it will happen gradually as it is happening now, every day. Every day Americans thoughts are shifting, their minds are searching for an answer. Their minds are fearing the collapse of not only America's economy but a Global ripple that will be caused by the inability of our great Nation to rise above and become a survivor.

What became of America after the Great Depression? In 1932 we elected a new President, Franklin D. Roosevelt. He created the "New Deal." We need a "New Deal" Mr. President-elect Obama, one that will create closeness between the government and the people. It has been 76 years since the "New Deal" and we must create an America that will not continue to test each and every American life, doubt our abilities and our values and cause us to despair. We need to survive as a Nation, emerge stronger and give Americans that glimmer of hope, and renew our faith in America and its political and economic systems.

You are tasked to not only bring together the people of this United States of America, Mr. President-elect Obama, but what you do will impact the world on a Global Level. You will be looked at under the microscope, not because of the color of your skin, but because of the content of your character. The word Character, it defines who you are. Taking the words from the great Mr. Martin Luther King Jr. above, shows you how much we have already overcome. It shows you how amazing people of this great nation are, and how ONE person can make a difference. I am looking forward to your administration, to your NEW DEAL, we understand that it won't be done over night, but we know that it will be done.

I live in Las Vegas, Nevada. Our school district is one of the worse in this great Nation. We have up to a 50% high school drop out rate. I am very concerned with the future of not only our state but of the state of education in general.

I touched upon Education because without education, we have nothing. You and Michelle were in Africa, you went inside the CDC's traveling HIV testing unit, and got tested for HIV. You showed the people of Africa not to fear, but to know. It's about educating our children, it's about re-educating the masses on your plan, your ability to assemble the best minds in the country in your Administration to advise you and lead this nation into the future. We need new economic programs, new "Alphabet Agencies," new hope and a new relationship of trust, not turmoil, patience, not persecution and a Federal Government that takes on these responsibilities for the welfare of the people of this great Nation, a government "of the people, by the people, and for the people."

Study history, Mr. President-elect Obama, become a pioneer, not a maverick. Be humble as you are. Have faith in the great people of this Nation, the great people that started this nation. Within the Gettysburg address President Lincoln said it best: "The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here."


He was talking about the brave men, living and dead, who struggled here in this great Nation on a battlefield, well today we have a different battlefield, and it is a different fight. He spoke of dedication to unfinished work, and great tasks remaining before us. He spoke of freedom, a new birth of freedom. You speak of a new birth of Change.

We look forward to your Administration. I will tell you this, I am concerned about this country, because I love this country. I am concerned about the lack of communication from our previous administration, and I look forward to your promise to communicate with us however painful. To educate us, enable us, and inform us on what the future America will be.

As I said, I am a survivor, a Breast Cancer survivor at only 42 years young. I started a non-profit organization Fightpink.org with my oldest daughter while recovering, and know that If I can overcome loosing many things this past nine months, along with my breast, my dignity as a woman and I am just ONE person in this great country, imagine all the people of this great nation with this innate ability to survive.

We are here, and we stand strong, and we believe in you and your ability to lead us.

Thank you for your time Mr. President-elect Obama, and my God Bless you and guide you on your Journey.

Well it is January 1st, and this is the start of a good year! The picture is of Ray, and I thought it was a good picture to end the year with! She is just crazy hair, with her hands up...I Love it.

I didn't write anything in the post yesterday, just made a place holder, so I will write when i feel more reflective.

I had a good night last night...just relaxed and kicked back.. Today is football, and pizza.

Everyone in the family is happy that it is a new year, since 2008 was pretty bad, and sometimes good. I look at myself in the mirror, and I'm like...Who are you? Really I look much different, more tired, and just not as bright as I used to...

I do feel a lot different as well, and It is funny because not many people understand. They just go on with their lives, as they should, and look at me the same, but if I could describe me inside..

I would say more centered, more sure of what is real in my life, what is good, and what I need to be in that centered place. I know this year kicked my butt, so bad, with 5 surgeries, and they were difficult. One of the side effects of being under anesthesia so much, I forget things...or repeat things... It is getting much better, but I do know I have to concentrate a bit harder on things.. It isn't noticeable to others as much, but to me I know it.

I also notice how people in general look at people. I really noticed that in this journey. Men tend to still look at women as being this "object" and I can't stand that. It never really bothered me at all, I would see a pretty girl, and be like "why would she dress like that?" Now, I may see that same pretty girl, and think that she is some what in the dark. A lot in the dark. Men then look at them like objects. And what this illness has taught me is that we are so much deeper than that as human beings, and probably a HUGE portion of the population, doesn't get it.

We are so concerned with our looks, and our hair, and our nails, and our clothes...all of our EGO behaviors that we forget what is essential to our being. I would go through life, worrying about the most mundane, ridiculous, things...and now none of that matters.

It really doesn't. I don't like to think about how men view women, or how women view men when it is all about the EGO. I wish for this year, people would get more in touch with themselves, and their families, their friends. Be in touch with the spiritual side of life.

Funny thing is....I guess if you haven't walked down the path, a path that makes you really contemplate your life, then I am not too sure you can even understand.

Life really is simple. You are born, you live and then you die. It's all that stuff in the middle, how you treat people, how you respect peoples wishes, not hurt people, be kind, help people if you can...and honestly get to know yourself..and learn..and share...that makes a difference.

Life is about learning. I feel that I have learned so much about people in my life so far. I have been abandoned many times, in many ways in my life, and I am a survivor. I am a survivor of life.

But this is just me...one story...one person in this world of Billions...

My New Years resolution: Be bright...shine...share...love with all that I have...keep coming out of the darkness...because there really is no such thing as darkness...it is just the absence of light. Darkness doesn't exist...according to Einstein!

Love you all...

Stacy

Ok.... had the biopsy and the MRI yesterday...lying in bed, relaxing today, with my Roo and YoYo!

All feeling a bit under the weather. The biopsy/mri was not fun... and thankfully it was more of an open MRI..so not so closed, but what amazed me is that they did the surgery right there in the MRI room.. just put his little tray of instruments right up along side of me and sat there and did the biopsy.

One thing that I thought was kind of neat is that while I was laying on my stomach for an hour, they had my boobies in this contraption. Ok so laying on my tummy put my breasts in the holes, and then the right one was compressed with this grid like thingie. So when they put me in the MRI machine, it made the images with a grid like pattern. This is so the physician could see which quadrant the doctor had to drill into to get the sample of "suspicious" tissue.

The IV was good, they only had to stick me 2 times, the drugs were ok as well, took the pain away not too groggy. While he was actually starting the biopsy, he started to inject me with Lidocaine. He used a total of 40mg when he ws all said and done. The thing that I really didn't like was the drill like thing.... he was cutting on the breast just a small incision, then this drill was going into my breast, and he says tell me if it hurts, and IT DID.... then he would stop and more Lidocaine..then again, but he was very nice. I was crying, and listening to country music on the headphones...the song that was on was Lonestar, From My Front Porch Looking in. I will forever relate that song to this procedure.

I kept on having to go in and out of the MRI machine for more pictures, then out for more surgical fun, then back again. I couldn't move because I couldn't move the right breast that was in the grid. It was horrible. An my arms were strapped to my sides so i couldn't even scratch my nose, or wipe my tears or nose.... I had to ask the nurse to do it for me..they always were asking me.."are you ok" what am I going to say? NO Get me the heck out of here? They already told me if I move, they can not finish the test because they can only inject me with the G-Contrast only once in a week or something like that. So that made me want to just suck it up and not move.

Anyway after all of that, they took me down to Mammo and had to give me a mammogram of the right breast, just to make sure that the clips they inserted were in the right spot. To me that was crazy, because I just had surgery and yes squeezing the breast after that, hurt, and of course bled.

Wonderful. Almost Barbaric, I would say. If this happens when I am awake, I can only wonder what happened the first time when I had my mastectomy.

Well I got home, and slept until early evening since the whole ordeal started at 10am I slept until 6pm...then had a bit of dinner. Then back to sleep...

So today, I am sore, and sick to my stomach... it bothers me alot actually.

And that is it.. I am not knowing anything about the results yet. I will let you know...

Stacy

Well, it is Monday morning on December 29th....and today I will go for yet another wonderful biopsy, and MRI...needles, contrast the whole shebang!

But I do believe that it will be ok. If it is the dreaded C again..lets hope it is a Second Primary...not mets.

But again I think that I am dreading the test more than the outcome actually! Funny how that happens.

Had one of my brother's friend call me Heather, what a sweetheart, she talked to me in the beginning way back in April. I will ring her back tomorrow probably.

Well 2008 has been a year of major highs and lows, but I do know for sure, that I am a different person than I was back in April, and May...before my surgery. I feel much less tolerant of the "stuff" in my life, ok maybe I shouldn't say tolerant, I should say more not sweating the small stuff. I appreciate much more my close family and friends, and I really will not allow any kind of stress in my life. Whether that be a person, or a job, or anything. I just need to let it all go, because it is that very thought of holding on to stress, holding on to arguments, pain, fear, that to made me in a weaker emotional state and contributed to everything that was in 2008.

My goal for this coming year, is to stay healthy, mind, body and soul. To surround me with people that are loving and caring and giving and thankful...I want to be in a healthy mind, body, spirit environment. This is my choice. I choose to surround myself with this to feed my spirit, and my health. I will not surround myself with anything else. No chaos, no stress, no fear, no arguments, just love and faith.

Sounds crazee huh? But honestly, yes there will be times when I am under stress, yes everyone gets there, but when it comes down to the core...I can still see my flame...steady and know that I am at peace.

Talk to you more soon......

Lying here in bed, it's really quiet except for the whirr of the computer, and Lola snoring. The Picture above is of my Cousins..my first cousins...who I love with all of my heart! It's Sunday morning. Today we are going shopping once again and then wrapping up some gifts later I would presume. Then after Christmas..and Hanukkah is January and my cousins Wedding. The wedding shower, is in a couple of weeks. I think about my family, and I love everyone.

I am Jewish. I married a Catholic. My children are Catholic by baptism, but Jewish by blood, it goes by the mother. Well my Aunt...my mother's sister married a Muslim.
So we have Jewish, Catholic and Islam all within our family. I think that is amazing. My first cousins are practicing Islam, the religion of Muslims. In the Jewish faith, the blood line is passed down from the mother, in the Muslim faith it is the father. So my beautiful first cousins are Muslim.

I am so intrigued with the faith, with all faiths actually. The common thread is God, Allah, Adonai, or many other names that Judaism may refer to as "God".

I listen to the stories my Uncle tells within the Qur'an. The Qur'an is the central religious text of Islam. He told me about how God took the earth from all over the world and created man. How, from that different colored earth man was made, which would help us to understand why we come in so many colors, and there are many differences in how we look. He told me of the many prophets within, Noah, Jesus, Mohammad. Muslims believe in only one God, which translated from Arabic is Allah. They believe in only one God, and Mohammad is his messenger. The Qur'an describes many Biblical prophets and messengers as Muslim: Adam, Noah (Arabic: Nuh), Moses (Arabic: Mūsā) and Jesus (Arabic: ˤĪsā) and his apostles. The Qur'ān states that these men were Muslims because they submitted to God, preached his message and upheld his values. Thus, in Surah 3:52 of the Qur'ān, Jesus’ disciples tell Jesus, "We believe in God; and you be our witness that we submit and obey (wa ashahadu bil-muslimūna)."

I talk with him in great detail about Judaism. Judaism presents itself as the covenential relationship between the Children of Israel (later, the Jewish nation) and God. As such, many consider it the first monotheistic religion although many aspects of Judaism correspond to Western concepts of ethics and civil law. Judaism is among the oldest religious traditions still being practised today, and many of its texts and traditions are central to other Abrahamic religions. As such, Jewish history and the principles and ethics of Judaism have influenced various other religions, including Christianity and Islam.

Followers of Judaism are called Jews, and while Judaism is open to converts, the Jewish collective is regarded as an ethno-religious group, for reasons derived from the sacred texts that define them as a nation, rather than followers of a faith. In 2007, the world Jewish population was estimated at 13.2 million people, 41% of whom lived in Israel.

In modern Judaism, central authority is not vested in any single person or body, but in sacred texts, religious law, and learned Rabbis who interpret those texts and laws. According to Jewish tradition, Judaism begins with the Covenant between God and Abraham (ca. 2000 BCE), the patriarch and progenitor of the Jewish nation. Throughout the ages, Judaism has adhered to a number of religious principles, the most important of which is the belief in a single, omniscient, omnipotent, benevolent, transcendent God, who created the universe and continues to govern it. According to Jewish tradition, the God who created the world established a covenant with the Israelites and their descendants, and revealed his laws and commandments to Moses on Mount Sinai in the form of both the Written and Oral Torah. Judaism has traditionally valued Torah study and the observance of the commandments recorded in the Torah and as expounded in the Talmud.

So one of the differences between the Religions of Judaism, Islam, and Christianity is that the Jews believe that they have been regarded as an ethno-religious group. This defines followers of Judaism as nation, not a follower of faith. In Islam, the prophet Mohammad was the interpreter of the word of God. In Christianity it is Christ, who spoke the word of God. Historically, Judaism has considered belief in the divine revelation and acceptance of the Written and Oral Torah as its fundamental core belief, but Judaism does not have a centralized authority dictating religious dogma.

Christianity (from the word Xριστός "Christ") is a monotheistic religion centered on the life and teachings of Jesus as presented in the New Testament. Its followers, known as Christians, believe that Jesus is the only begotten Son of God and the Messiah (Christ) prophesied in the Hebrew Bible (the part of scripture common to Christianity and Judaism). To Christians, Jesus Christ is a teacher, the model of a virtuous life, the revealer of God, as well as an incarnation of God, and most importantly the savior of humanity who suffered, died, and was resurrected to bring about salvation from sin. Christians maintain that Jesus ascended into heaven, and most denominations teach that Jesus will return to judge the living and the dead, granting everlasting life to his followers. Christians call the message of Jesus Christ the Gospel ("good news") and hence label the written accounts of his ministry as gospels.

Like Judaism and Islam, Christianity is classified as an Abrahamic religion. Christianity began as a Jewish sect in the eastern Mediterranean, quickly grew in size and influence over a few decades, and by the 4th century had become the dominant religion within the Roman Empire. During the Middle Ages, most of the remainder of Europe was christianized, with Christians also being a (sometimes large) religious minority in the Middle East, North Africa, and parts of India. Following the Age of Discovery, through missionary work and colonization, Christianity spread to the Americas and the rest of the world.

Christianity has played a prominent role in the shaping of Western civilization at least since the 4th century. As of the early 21st century, Christianity has between 1.5 billion and 2.1 billion adherents, representing about a quarter to a third of the world's population.

So what does this have to do with Breast Cancer? Well, I am Jewish by blood. I do not know if my ancestors were Ashkenazi Jews. Ashkenazi Jews have a higher breast cancer rate. They are genetically different. Their DNA is different...Both the extent and location of the maternal ancestral deme from which the Ashkenazi Jewry arose remain obscure. Using complete sequences of the maternally inherited mitochondrial DNA, it shows that close to one-half of Ashkenazi Jews, estimated at 8,000,000 people, can be traced back to only four women carrying distinct mtDNAs that are virtually absent in other populations, with the important exception of low frequencies among non-Ashkenazi Jews. We conclude that four founding mtDNAs, likely of Near Eastern ancestry, underwent major expansion(s) in Europe within the past millennium.

Although in the 11th century they comprised only 3% of the world's Jewish population, Ashkenazi Jews accounted for (at their highest) 92% of the world's Jews in 1931 and today make up approximately 80% of Jews worldwide. Most Jewish communities with extended histories in Europe are Ashkenazim, with the exception of those associated with the Mediterranean region. The majority of the Jews who migrated from Europe to other continents in the past two centuries are Ashkenazim, Eastern Ashkenazim in particular. This is especially true in the United States, where 6 out of the 7 million American Jewish population — the largest Jewish population in the world when consistent statistical parameters are used— is Ashkenazi, representing the world's single largest concentration of Ashkenazim.

That was one of the first questions my oncologist asked me? Are you Ashkenazi? I didn't know the answer. I may never know the answer. I know my family was from Germany....German Jews...before that...I don't know..

Specific abnormalities in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes are more commonly found in Ashkenazi Jewish women. Ashkenazi Jews have ancestors from Central or Eastern Europe.

About 1 in 40 Ashkenazi Jews — with or without breast cancer — has a genetic mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2. In one study of more than 5,300 Ashkenazi Jewish men and women (New England Journal of Medicine, May 15, 1997), 120 people (2.3%) had one of the three specific abnormalities in BRCA1 and BRCA2 known to be associated with a higher risk of breast cancer.

A more recent study (Journal of the American Medical Association, December 26, 2007) of more than 3,000 women diagnosed with breast cancer looked at the risk of abnormal BRCA1 genes in different ethnicities. The results showed:

8.3% of Ashkenazi Jewish women had an abnormal BRCA1 gene.

So I could be of Ashkenazi decent, and I probably am. I probably won't get the genetic testing for the BRCA1. Then my insurance company can be sticky with me...

So in my life, my faith, my family....I have so much. So much to be thankful for...so much to be amazed by..and so much religion surrounding me..that all leads to just one source.... GOD...

LTA,

Stacy

Well it's another day in Paradise...

Ya know I just figured out how to add a video, to my blog..that is why I have two in a row... Funny huh?

Went to the doctor last night my Oncologist, who was so sweet as always. He apologized to me about the mix up on which breast had the issue in it.

He did say it was more closer to the surface, so that makes me feel so much better, because of the recent cosmetic changes to that breast.

But we have to make sure, so I will go and see my Surgeon on Monday late morning.

Ok so today is the xmas shopping day....still a few more things to get.

Off I go....

Stacy

This is a movie made by my mom here in Las Vegas, Yes...it's Las Vegas! Snow storm December 17th 2008!

I love this movie, one of my most favorites ever....

The song is the most beautiful...listen to the words...really listen..

Spend All Your Time Waiting For That Second Chance
for The Break That Will Make It Ok
there's Always Some Reason To Feel “not Good Enough”
and It's Hard At The End Of The Day
i Need Some Distraction, Oh Beautiful Release
memories Seep From My Veins
they May Be Empty And Weightless, And Maybe
i'll Find Some Peace Tonight

in The Arms Of An Angel, Fly Away From Here
from This Dark, Cold Hotel Room, And The Endlessness That You Fear
you Are Pulled From The Wreckage Of Your Silent Reverie
you're In The Arms Of An Angel; May You Find Some Comfort Here

So Tired Of The Straight Line, And Everywhere You Turn
there's Vultures And Thieves At Your Back
the Storm Keeps On Twisting, You Keep On Building The Lies
that You Make Up For All That You Lack
it Don't Make No Difference, Escaping One Last Time
it's Easier To Believe
in This Sweet Madness, Oh This Glorious Sadness
that Brings Me To My Knees

In The Arms Of An Angel, Far Away From Here
from This Dark, Cold Hotel Room, And The Endlessness That You Fear
you Are Pulled From The Wreckage Of Your Silent Reverie
in The Arms Of An Angel; May You Find Some Comfort Here

Stacy

You live in a world of illusions. A world that springs from a much deeper and far greater reality. And while at times the illusions are indeed ugly, with your physical senses you only see the tip of the iceberg. If you could see the whole, you'd discover that the unpleasantness was only the tiniest piece of a most spectacular puzzle that was created with order, intelligence, and absolute love. You'd see that contrary to appearances, in the grandest scheme of things, nothing is ever lost, no one becomes less, and setbacks are always temporary. And you'd understand that no matter what has happened, everyone lives again, everyone laughs again, and everyone loves again, even more richly than before.

The Universe....

Ok..........Rewind!

Well I just got in from my trip, and it's snowing, and snowing hard.

But that is not why I am writing. I picked up MRI films and report. Guess what, I'm a bit angry at my doctor. My oncologist. He told me all about my "new suspicious" image, and he was talking the whole time about my left breast, the one with the mastectomy. I can see now with the films, the area, but they say it is normal.

Guess what...reading the report it isn't my LEFT BREAST it is in my RIGHT BREAST..the perfect pretty one. NICE HUH! I just can't believe this. This is what the report says:

On the right, there has been interval development of a few very small areas of nodular enhancement. These measure 4x 2mm with an adjacent 2m area of enhancement. these lie in the inferior RIGHT breast at approximately the 6 o'clock position, 7.5 from the center. The enhancement patter is rapid but persistent. Given the interval development as well as the history of DCIS which demonstrated a similar pattern of enhancement on the previous MRI, I would consider follow up with a biopsy to exclude underlying malignancy or developing DCIS.

WOW...So now Round Two.......FIGHT! So I have an appointment with the doctor again, my surgeon on Monday. Then an MRI guided biopsy and the results will be GOOD. I am going to believe this. If it is DCIS..then we deal with it. If it is another occurrence of Breast Cancer...then it has spread. NOT GOOD. But we will have to be hopeful and think that everything will be alright.

The things I go through....

Well, Well, Well........Leave Demi, and come punk me Ashton! Yea, I'm waiting for the camera's...again. Why...well got off of the phone with my doctor, my oncologist to get my results for my MRI. The MRI I had last week. Ok, now so when you have a mastectomy, they actually take your breast tissue out right? Isn't that what a mastectomy is? Let's look it up on Wiki....(dontcha love wiki)different mastectomy's according to Wiki.

Modified radical mastectomy: The entire breast tissue is removed along with the axillary contents (fatty tissue and lymph nodes). In contrast to a radical mastectomy, the pectoral muscles are spared. NOPE NOT ME


Radical mastectomy (or "Halsted mastectomy"): First performed in 1882, this procedure involves removing the entire breast, the axillary lymph nodes, and the pectoralis major and minor muscles behind the breast. This procedure is more disfiguring than a modified radical mastectomy and provides no survival benefit for most tumors. This operation is now reserved for tumors involving the pectoralis major muscle or recurrent breast cancer involving the chest wall. NOPE NOT ME

Skin-sparing mastectomy: In this surgery, the breast tissue is removed through a conservative incision made around the areola (the dark part surrounding the nipple). The increased amount of skin preserved as compared to traditional mastectomy resections serves to facilitate breast reconstruction procedures. Patients with cancers that involve the skin, such as inflammatory cancer, are not candidates for skin-sparing mastectomy. YEP ME!

Subcutaneous mastectomy: Breast tissue is removed, but the nipple-areola complex is preserved. This procedure was historically done only prophylactically or with mastectomy for benign disease over fear of increased cancer development in retained areolar ductal tissue. Recent series suggest that it may be an oncologically sound procedure for tumors not in the subareolar position. YEP ME!

Simple mastectomy (or "total mastectomy"): In this procedure, the entire breast tissue is removed, but axillary contents are undisturbed. Sometimes the "sentinel lymph node"--that is, the first axillary lymph node that the would be expected to drain into--is removed. This surgery is sometimes done bilaterally (on both breasts) on patients who wish to undergo mastectomy as a cancer-preventative measure. Patients who undergo simple mastectomy can usually leave the hospital after a brief stay. Frequently, a drainage tube is inserted during surgery in their chest and attached to a small suction device to remove subcutaneous fluid. These are usually removed several days after surgery as drainage decrease to less than 20-30 ml per day. YEP ME, but not bilateral.

So I had a Simple, Subcutaneous, Skin-Sparing Mastectomy. Well in this process, they remove all of the breast tissue right, then in reconstruction they put in an implant, and Presto! a new boobie. Well, in talking with my Oncologist this evening, and by the way I am in a hotel room, 3000 miles away from home, of course, and he told me that there was something that showed up on the MRI. Something "suspicious". NICE---WONDERFUL---In the same breast that had the Simple, Subcutaneous, Skin-Sparing Mastectomy. How is that possible? I pondered this out loud, while I screamed inside?
He told me it is probably scar tissue, but I have to make an appointment with my Breast Surgeon, Anabella B. M.D. tomorrow. So I have my BFF getting up and calling NVCI to get my MRI films printed up, then she is calling Dr. B to make my appointment
to schedule which will be my .......hmmmm let me see the 5th surgery. Well we will take it one step at a time, and take a deep breath and let it all go.

Because this is my life, this is my reality, and once again I will be ok...

You sure I'm not getting punk'd? For those of you who don't know what Punk'd is: (Again thank you Wikipedia)

Punk'd was an American hidden camera practical joke television series on MTV, produced and hosted by Ashton Kutcher, which first aired in 2003. It bears a strong resemblance to both the classic hidden camera show Candid Camera, and to TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes, which also featured pranks on celebrities. Being "Punk'd" refers to having such a prank played on oneself, and to "punk someone" refers to making someone else the victim of the show's style of prank itself.

Ok so I'm going to bed, I have to get up in 4 hours to go to the airport, and fly home...

This is day 237.......

Love to all...Stacy

I was talking with my brother, who recently told me that he has decided to become a vegan. Why? He was driving down the street, and he passed a truck, with crates stuffed full of chickens, with feathers flying out, and at that moment, he decided nope...no more chicken. Nothing with Fur of Feathers, fur and feather free.

What about the chicken in the middle?? He asked me...I thought for a minute, and I felt sad. I thought wow, the other day in my MRI, I had to go into a tunnel, get pictures taken of my boobies, and basically freaked out. I had to get my IV port access-which is usually a nightmare, but not at NVCI..they are the pro port people. First stick and BAM they got it... Then downstairs to the machine. I had to be pulled out, because I was basically that chicken in the middle. Above my face, about an inch above my face, was the MRI machine..so I closed my eyes...and beside me..my arms were basically squished..hmmm. Enough I said. With tears streaming down my face, I had the little squeezie thingie in my had to let them know if I was having a hard time.

Well I squeezed it. Hard. They pulled me out. We called upstairs to the doctor, and within 5 minutes they were down with me injecting my IV with a nice and happy drug. So I could relax. Back to being the chicken in the middle. This time I was on my tummy..and I had to lay face down, which at this point I was just ready to get it done. I need to ask the makers of MRI machines did they ever think of comfort, or they actually thought, hey it's all about getting the pictures, even if it is uncomfortable.

So honestly when you are in the MRI machine, all of you from Head to toe it is so loud. And then you swear the the machine is talking to you. You actually hear words coming from the machines, incessant chatter. So we have this flight or fight response built into us, right? We hear a siren, and we feel a rush of adreneline, we hear a loud noise and our first response is to look where it is coming from, assess if it is a danger, and then move away from the sound, quickly because it is a natural thing to do. Well, being in the tube, the chicken in the middle, you can't move. I mean you can't even breathe deep, just shallow breaths, and you lay there with this horrible loud noise that is pounding at your heart, your mind, your body, your soul. You want to run, and get away, but you can't.

So you just endure 45 minutes of being the chicken in the middle...just to see if I will get the "all clear" from my Doc's. Well I haven't heard from them yet..called him and left a message. I will hear from him tomorrow I do think!

So back to my brother being a vegan. I can understand his thoughts, about the chicken in the middle of the caged coups on the back of a truck going to the market for slaughter. The poor chickens do feel pain, they are probably scared, and that would then be released into their meat which we eat. The fear, the antibiotics, the stress. We are eating it all. We eat the stress, the fear and what does that do to us. Well, honestly we probably will never know...but guess what??? It makes you think twice before you buy that nice looking packaged chicken at the market. What are we eating? What kind of stress are we eating, antibiotics, and fear?

I just think that what he decided today is brave, and I love it. Could I do it. You bet your sweet A** I could. You are what you eat...they say... So I would rather not be that chicken in the middle...stressed, full of fear..scared...

I want to be free..I want to be me.....

Stacy

Well it is that time again... I am scheduled for my follow up MRI. This is the Breast Cone MRI with Contrast. I'm good with it, I'm actually 2 months late, but I was a little busy with my surgeries the past few months. I'm wonderfully happy about how everything turned out, only because I really don't have a choice but to be happy because I won't do another surgery. Done!

Funny story...called to schedule the MRI, but it wasn't ordered by my Oncologist yet. So they transfered me up to his nurse. While I listened to her voice mail message, (the poor dear) I was looking around my desk for some sharp object to jab into my eyes...it would have been less painful. Her message was very slow, like it was on the S-L-O-W motion tour! Me with my ADD, I was literally in another planet on her second sentence....so what do you think I did? Yea, I hung up. Promptly emailed my doctor: ORDER MY MRI...I WANT MY MRI... that was the subject line of the email, the body of the email...was funny basically telling him that his nurses voice put me in a state of frenzy...

Well doing my MRI and hopefully everything comes out clean... and picture perfect.

I do believe it will... I will keep you posted of course!

Ok... I'm busy doing all kinds of stuff...so I will go now... talk to you later!

Stacy

So you want to hear my dream last night? Well I'm going to tell you anyway. We have this fish tank. It has fish in it as all fish tanks do, but you can't see them very well, because the water is murky, because of the type of fish, I guess it is supposed to be that way.

I'm not sure that is what my son tells me anyway, kind of like it's own ecosystem. What ever that means.

Ok to the dream then. So, I was, no joke, standing on the edge of a pool of clear water a little area by the beach much like a tide pool. There were fish in there, I could see them clearly, they were looking for something. I was on a walk way and I was watching the fish, I noticed another pool, made of lava rock, within that pool was a huge gold fish, happily swimming. I turned my attention to the clear pool and stared at the numerous fish, who still seemed like they were looking for something. To my surprise the fish started jumping out of the water and I was not throwing them back in, like one would think right? No...I was running from one fish to the next sticking a hose in their mouths to basically bring them back to life. They would actually inflate and start feeling alive again, then I would run to the next fish and do the same thing, only to run to another and back again and keep bringing them all back to life.

I would feel good to do that, but then worry about the other fish. It was CRAZY.

Hmmmmmmm..... a metaphor for my life. Yep. And a damn good one at that. It amazes me to see how my life really mirrors the dream. I am going from one struggle to the next to the next, and putting enough water in it to bring it back to life, and then only to see that it is all dried up and have to go back to water it again.

I loved it. This dream. I woke up and loved it. Of course I am one to sit down and pontificate on the meaning, and It was basically crystal clear. I'm tired. I'm tired of being everything to everyone, but basically being nothing to anyone. I'm tired of being tired. I'm struggling sometimes emotionally, because I'm the only one who can take care of me, my emotional state. The whole package. Is a good one, but I don't even want to be a package right now. I want to be a part of something bigger than life, and I don't want to be history, I want to make history.

But then......I don't. I have so many aspirations, but then I think why? I love helping people, and being a part of that has helped me.

You also know what I think is crazy. After being sick, and on the road to getting better, I now have all of the talking with my insurance company constantly. Getting the doctors paid, making sure they are paid in network, not out of network. Making sure that the bills are getting paid by the insurance companies, and then working with the hospitals, 2 separate hospitals, 3 separate doctors who I see all the time, as well as the 4 separate anesthesiologists that bill for their services. It's literally crazy. I am my own case manager actually. So I am working with the doctors offices, the hospitals, the radiologists, the anesthesiologists to get all of my doctor's bills together.

I spoke with one of my doctor's offices today, and let them know that the insurance company is going to re-pay the claims for my case because they paid them out of network. Argh.. so I only owe him a small fortune, not a fortune..LOL.

So anyway..back to the fish to fish. Yes, I am constantly running from fish to fish, and I am thinking that maybe I should just stop and let them die, because I know if I actually attempt to put them back into the water...they will only jump out and land at my feet with their feeble attempt to woo me... to bring them back to life. What happens then? When the fish die? What happens? I guess I will see...I do feel like that "fish out of water" at times as well. Hmmm. Not just saving them, but saving me..a metaphor... I am the fish.

Stacy

I don't know... if we each have a destiny or we're all just floating accidental like on a breeze, I think maybe it's both....maybe both happening at the same time.

Forrest Gump

Ok so I didn't want to wait until tomorrow to talk about all that is happening today.

This morning uneventful, got up with Ray, and got her a quick kiss before she was off to school, oh my gosh it is 10:34 two hours late for my shot....nice huh...Long pause as I take my shot... Ok back!

So what has been going on this week besides my surgery, and a big fight on TV tomorrow night Lesner vs. Couture... I am putting together a photo shoot for a Calendar that Fight Pink is creating. It is called "Faith and Inspiration" Surviving Mothers of Breast Cancer. So the shoot will be in my home, we have our amazing photographer, Edison Graff taking the pictures, he will be setting up a studio here in the early morning, and we will be having a make up artist or two from MAC to be here, and 12 women and thier children. We have women who are breast cancer survivors, as well as their mothers being survivors, and their children being here as well. I am so excited about this project, and the women are so amazing!

Nevada Cancer Institute is helping us by supplying the women for the Calendar, and we will be donating a portion of the proceedes to NVCI! So that is so exciting his is on the 22nd. I am helping a friend with a CV, working on the supply chain business, setting appointments for the photoshoot, working on the calendar set up with Dennis, and all the while I feel, (and Christina I'm stealing this one from you) like a big gummed up ball of mess under the table waiting for someone to just come and scrape me off!

I love that.... I wish I could just relax and read, and just sit...but if I do.. I go crazee.....crazier than i normally am. I must do something with my mind. No, and I don't mean drug it to relax.. I mean I have to be thinking and dreaming and planning and doing. I spoke to my Dad last evening, and he said to me...and I think maybe it was a complement: " It's funny, you do things." Ok....I said... he was like, "you decide on doing something, and you make it happen." Like the calendar project. I guess, isn't that how life is though. You make decisions, or choices...and do it. Hmmm.. I would think so.

Berto just came in and layed with me here...how sweet, and just informed me of his plans for his life. He wants to be a pharmacist. Why a Pharmacist? He says he wants to do it, he is going to create a goal chart, and he wants to have a new truck next year, and he will graduate in March...then he wants to go to Paramedic School, starting in the summer!

Ok my dad is coming over to bring me lunch, how sweet. I have been on the phone, and now I am going to take a shower...and then finish up the Fight Pink confirmation of everything for the Photo shoot...

Talk later..

Hello my family and friends....

I sit here typing and feeling much better so here is how my surgery went:

It went well.

LOL....ok details

Why did we have this LAST surgery, well the reconstruction process is a bit longer than I thought in the beginning which was hmmmm....May. 6 months. I actually am done with surgeries on the boobie. I'm tired of surgery.

I really don't think that this is going to be a funny post, I just got off of the phone with Lori, and we were laughing, laughing about her "sale"...she has an 80% off sale of her expectations for men... Someone who laughs, I guess is "expecting too much" she was told, so she has lowered her expectations. Anyway... we were laughin about that.

Love the drive thru have I told you that lately? What a great invention, you don't have to get out of the car, you just sit and speak to a box, (with the exception of McDonalds who offers "face to face" service") and you ever notice that Starbucks have a camera at their drive-thru's...they do, next time take a look and smile. I am not sure how fair that is, because when you think about it being on the other side of a camera and the person being filmed does not know it, many funnny and strange things I am sure they see. Anyway. Back to Drive-thru's. So you have your drive thru Dry cleaners, your Drive thru ATM's and Banks, your drive thru coffee places, your drive thru fast food, and even drive thru movie, and markets!

My favorite drive thru though has to be drive thru surgery. Now I wonder and this is me thinking out loud, do they (they meaning insurance companies) want you out of the hospital quicker because: A- Less money to pay out for staying the night after a procedure or B- Less money to pay out for staying the night after a procedure, and the increased RISK of catching some ungodly infection like MERSA? I'm thinking they would rather get you out to save money, but also because they would rather you be in your own home setting where your body is used to the germs in your own home, and your risk of infection probably is 80% (no scientific study here) lessened in your own home.

So...when I had my Drive-thru this past week, while I was being questioned by the nurse before surgery:

Nurse:
"Do you feel safe in my home environment?"

Stacy:
"Yes, with a cast iron frying pan in my hand."

She looked at me with a smirk.

Nurse:
"Do you feel safe in your home?

Stacy:

"Yes" I said, so she could get on with the survey... she checked her little box and went onto the next question.

Nurse:
"Do you ever think of hurting yourself?"

Stacy:
I answered, "When I'm perched on my hot tile roof with the pigeons we discuss this in detail." So my answer was Yes!

(she politely looked around and whispered to me)

Nurse:
"You can't say that, Dr. Earl frowns on doing surgery on pre-suicidal patients",

So she asked me again with a straight face,

Nurse:

"Do you ever think of hurting yourself?"

Stacy:

"Are you asking me to lie, ohhhhhh I get it now... No...never ever, not even once, not even this morning on my way here...after my roof top discussions with the pigeons!" (I had to say goodbye, and they wished me well... see former pigeon posts if you don't get this).

So done with the questions, she was soooo happy about that... and wheeled into the op room, talked the talk with my doc, he's great, and then went to sleep... The surgery was pretty uneventful except for the fact that it lasted 2 1/2 hours instead of 1 1/2 hours and they decided not to catheterize me,(so I don't go number 1 while I am asleep) because they didn't think they would need the extra hour, and well...my body wasn't too happy with that...no thanks I don't need the panties back. I have panties that I wear to the hospital, that I would be caught dead in...in a hospital, but not out in the street. Wore hospital panties to the hospital, not my "normal" pretty everyday panties. And girls, yes you all know what I am talking about. Us women we have it covered when it comes to the panties!

(Definition of Hospital panties= Panties that you would be caught dead in, only in a Hospital setting, not ones that you would wear and get into an accident with, because those are everyday pretty panties, that you would wear, if you weren't expecting to go to the hospital. Understand..... Women get this...and are laughing, men....are skimming through this part with a puzzled look on their face, or just skipping this part all together)

Woke up and was a little wet and cold, and needed explaining why I was wet. Got the answer, asked for my clothes went to the bathroom washed up, got dressed and got into the wheel chair and wanted to go home!

Rob and Ray picked me up, (yes I actually think they went to the house while I was in surgery), remember the doctor saying, "I didn't see anyone in the waiting room", I am sure they stepped out for a snack, right at the time the doctor came out ....isn't that how it always happens. Came home, came up stairs and slept.

I don't remember much, but Rob was here and his mother came over to see how I was, and I was like hmmmm...anyway that was nice of her. Rob made hamburgers for the kids, and Boo brought one up for me for dinner, and I looked at her like: "Are you kidding me" I could barely talk, my throat was raw from being intubated, and I do remember them taking the tube out this time, and it wasn't fun. Poor Boo, she was so happy to bring me the hamburger, I smiled took a bite, as she sat plopped at the end of the bed with a big smile on her face. I tried to swallow the small bite of hamburger, which at this point was like swallowing Glass...dry throat, and sore from the tube....argh! One bite, and I was done....

Do we have any soup? Hamburger after surgery.....Hmmmm. I don't think so. Plus your body after surgery slows down quite a bit, meaning your digestive track...If I ate that whole hamburger It would have stayed in my gut for a year! No...just liquids.

I am feeling better, still a bit sick to my stomach, but I am ok. My surgery looks good, infact I am very happy with the results. I would say now, it looks good. Six weeks of wearing a bra morning, noon, and night. Lotsa, Lotsa stitches on the inside..but that is ok, my plastic surgeon is a great artist so I am lucky.

So on a scale from 1 to 10 for this episode of "Hamburger after Surgery"...straight shot in the middle. A 5. The 5 meaning not a 2 like the last surgery, and not a 100 like the 2nd surgery. This one is a 5, I can live with a 5.

So this is day 205....Wow gettin up there huh... tomorrow I will write more, about everything going on with Fight Pink, and the photo shoot, and all that!

Love u all...

Stacy

I'ts been a great weekend, had fun on Halloween and the kids had a great time too!
Been working like crazy with Catera (my supply chain consulting business) big meeting on Friday, basically scoping out the next year with the partners we are picking up! I am really looking forward to it!

Fight Pink, is keeping me us so busy, that it is basically a full time job in itself, worked all weekend. We are moving so fast, and growing so fast which is good. Our team is amazing, our marketing team is awesome and I can't thank them enough for their support! We have some events planned in the next couple of weeks, and sometimes I wish that I could just be split into 5!

Well...today is election day Looking forward to seeing who will be our next President!

Talk soon!

Hi everyone...well today is Halloween! Yea! Yesterday was a day at the doctors. I had two doctors appointments both lasting at least 2 hours.

First with the Plastic Surgeon- That was good, he is really a great doctor, so I will have my 4th and hopefully final surgery, again quick in and out...

Second with my Oncologist- That was ugh... so can not go on any drugs to supress my estrogen production. I am er pr positive so my cells actually attract the estrogen an bind with them. Nice..the drugs block the binding ability therefore so the cancer cells, or abnormal cells don't grow. I can't take it because the side effects are blood clots. So he suggested that maybe a hysterectomy, or just taking out my ovaries would work?

I'm not happy about that decision either. So hmmm... another thought that I must ponder. I'm not thinking I want to take out my ovaries! That would mean pre menopause. Goodness this is such craziness, I think that everything is like ok DONE, and I turn the corner and wow another surprise.

The medication I am taking for my neuropothy, is making everything I eat..taste yucky.. but better than having the neuropathy pain I think.

Ok so I am so excited tonight is Halloween, so Chili, which is a tradition! I will make a large batch or two..or three... Maybe Enchalada Cassarole as well. Trick or treating...and a party! I am a Gangsta...with a mens sport coat, stockings a bullet hole in my forehead, although Boo doesn't want me to have a bullet hole...I may just be a pretty Gangsta...have to have the hat...and the gun...tons of toys guns..

I will upload a picture in a few days...Yipee! Should video it and upload to Utube..we see....

Take care you most wonderful amazing people that care about me!

Stacy

I was wondering, and thinking, and I am a little distrubed right now. I was told the other day by a certain someone in my world, that I need to really get over and not complain about the whole "Breast cancer" thing. Now, I am not one to complain, really I am not. I pretty much keep my thoughts to myself, my pain to myself, I may not "act" the same... ie: Resting a bit more, or not giving a Sh*t if the house is perfectly clean... that kind of stuff. I find it incredibly insensitive that someone could say to me... you should really "get over it" basically.

Hmmm....I think I am doing pretty good for what I have been through actually. I have heard so many stories from so many women and they are all so different actually, and some so much more trying than mine etc. But to me it is all about how you take it, you know? How you handle the stresses. In my immediate famliy. My diagnosis, and further surgeries, actually doesn't mean jack! Oh another surgery, no biggie. Sometimes I'm dying inside. Why do I blog, why did I start the non profit company? To help women. Women who feel helpless. I feel helpless sometimes. I don't have the support that I would want much of the time.

Another thing that is bothering me. Doctors (sometimes). I spoke with one of mine yesterday. I asked him again about puting me on a SERM (Selective Estrogen-Receptive Modulators) he said yes you should be on it. Now.... I went through this before, I asked him If I was his sister, would he put me on this? He was like yes, but "you didn't want to be on it." So you put your trust in a physician to do what is best for you, so he told me yesterday that I should be on something. Well again I looked up my 3 choices for the SERM Drugs, and they all have side effects saying that blood clots are an issue. I can't do that. Had 2 Pulmonary Emboli so I'm out on that note.

Anyway one of the drugs specifically said that it didn't work for recurring breast cancer. Meaning it didn't stop breast cancer from recurring. Hmmm. Why take it then?
So I am not. I don't know if this will bite me in the future, but what I do know is that I need more peace and tranquility surrounding me.... I need to be able to have some arms to crawl into and feel safe, not constantly defending myself and fighting off the fear. I don't have time to constantly defend my Survivorship to others, I don't have time to sit and figure out why others are so angry with thier lives and I only want to surround myself with Joy and Peace and Tranquility.


I love talking with Survivors, I love sharing stories of hope and fears too...being able to just talk with someone who understands that once you have had cancer, even if it was Stage 0, it is cancer none the less. I like to look straight into the eyes, and see the souls of these people even if only through a photograph...yes..the eyes are the window's to the soul.

Yea, something new.... I have to check that box at the doctors offices when filling out the new patient paperwork: Medical History- High Blood Pressure...check...Heart Disease in the family....check....Cancer....check... That was a sobering moment.

The photo above...amazing huh? That is Tobias Pedersen look at his photos at http://www.mostphotos.com/Morjas

Stacy