Tired Girl

Back from the doctors...whoa....yes that was extremely painful. I actually saw stars, and not like I have ever seen before, even when I closed my eyes...I think I almost passed out. It was kind of strange actually because I was holding my breath and he kept telling me to breathe and I thought NO if I open my mouth to breathe I will let out a blood curdling scream and that probably wouldn't be a good thing.

It only hurt while he was jabbing my chest with the needle locating the port. I can't wait to get this thing out of me...and I told him so! I'm talking about the expander... He filled it with 80ml..I couldn't take much more actually it hurt too much. So I go in a week i go for another fill up and he wants to try another 100ml. Then he said weekly after that about 50ml until we are where we want to be..should be a month or so.

Do I look different?...I will look later...

Hello Everyone!

I am home...very uneventful trip back, except for the 3 accidents we drove by and the body bag on the side of the road....(that was really bad). Had a lovely time in California...needed the rest and relaxation. Well I have to let everyone know, that yes I am insaine and we got a new dog! She is an english bull dog, and she speaks with a beautiful english accent! Her name is LOLA. My cousin Jason got her for me to help me heal. Everyone just loves her except for the cat. Not happy.

Sat by the ocean, listened to the waves, reflected on my life and threw up...no just kidding...I'm good! Every day is a new opportunity for me to live and learn and grow and I accept that challenge with a head held high, and a skip in my step.

I go to the doctor today for my first fill up! YeA! So, so happy. I am not sure if it is going to hurt or not, but I will let you know. It is so crazy too, because when I went to the doctor last week he used this magnet to locate the actual port and it is on the top of my breast and then that is where he puts the needle to put in the saline to expand the expander. Before and After pictures today...(not for public viewing on the internet at any later date or on Jerry Springer, or Youtube!)

I watched a movie last night called Crazy Beautiful with Kirsten Dunst and Jay Hernandez and I just love movies that say something, mean something even if it is just one line and this one line was great. Set up: She is crazy and beautiful, doesn't think she is worth being loved, and he loves her. Ok, now the line:

"There are millions of people out there and in the end it all comes down to one- I still panic sometimes and forget to breathe but I know, I know there is somethig beautiful in all the imperfections, a beauty which he held up for me to see. A strength that can never be taken away."

How amazing is that! He saw beauty in her imperfections, and held up the mirror for her to see. Let her know that you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to fit into a specific mold to be right or beautiful, but to see beauty in the imperfections of people and love them for it.....doesn't get much better than that!

Being able to step back and look at the whole picture, not standing at the picture with your nose up against it. You don't see much that way.

I think it makes another person stronger if you can love them besides all of their imperfections, without judging...just knowing that it is that part of them that makes them who they are, and that is why you love them.

Ray gets all crazy when I have to listen to the one line in the movie over and over....rewind, rewind, rewind, just so I can write it down. But in a movie...maybe just one line summarizes the whole story and it makes you understand and feel like you never felt before.

Of course I am all about words...all about making the world a better place...one word at a time!

Have a believable day!

Stacy

Hi everyone! Drove down to California with my kids yesterday. So I can't drive that well yet, but still can drive ok. My oldest drove the whole way, I sat up front, Berto and Chris were in the second row of seats and then my little one sat in the way back. The trip was essentially uneventful, except right before we left while driving throught the drive through of Starbucks, my kids were fighting. Now picture this: Amanda driving and ordering the drinks, but Berto wanted to pay and get his drinks, so he is in the back seat. So she orders and pulls up to pay, but Berto says to pull forward and he would pay. So both windows are down, the Starbucks attendant is waiting with an outstretched hand for the cash, and Amanda is yelling "give me the money dumb a**", and he says "pull the car forward you idiot" so as I look at the Starbucks attendant, I say: " I am just the mother of these two, a mother of a dumb A** and an Idiot", and he said without missing a beat, Lucky You! LMAO....(lauging my A** off.)

Ok so that was before we even got on the road. The drive was basically pleasant until the last hour. We stopped a few times to run around the car and use the restroom, but the last hour, I would have rather been a hood ornament at that point. Bugs in the teeth and all! Berto (who by the way is almost 18) is screeching in the back seat that he needs to go to the restroom, we have basically 3 exits until we get off of the freeway, and Amanda won't pull over, he says fine I'm still going to go to the restroom. He promptly pulls out his Gatorade bottle gulps down the remaining blue liquid and proceedes to use it as a portable urinal. Nice...it is a liter and a half bottle and yep he almost filled it up which he proudly displays to the whole car. My little one is in the back seat, retching....Chris is laughing so hard he can't even contain himself and Boo and I are just....well if we could get any closer to the front windshield, we would actually be part of it, while basically screeching so loud that even the dogs are wincing.

And you wonder why? But he was so proud! As he holds it up and says look a new flavour, you think if I just put it in the fridge someone would drink it? Uh no... because everyone who would, is in the car and saw where the new flavour of Gatorade came from...yes everyone, I am not joking, I really don't make this stuff up...and again as I pinch myself hard and regular....is my life!

So we pulled off the freeway, got to our destination and thank goodness....got rid of the new flavour of Gatorade!

But wait...the fun isn't over..it's ten o'clock and I get a call from Rob and he also is screeching in an unrecognizable high pitched voice.....he's watching the dogs and once again they dug to china...and there is water in the yard everywhere. He worked all day, went to softball, got to the house at 10pm and low and behold...a tsunami was in the backyard. Can you spell F-R-E-E-W-A-Y? Could have taken care of them for ya...SO while he was cleaning up and picking up the dog house to throw in the yard (with an 120lb beast still inside) he slipped and fell...he only has one leg..at least one good leg...torn ACL in the other...surgery scheduled for the 24th....and you wonder why he would attempt to shotput a dog house with a dog in it across the yard? Hmmm. don't quite get that...

I spoke to him a short while later, he was looking for valium in the house....well I'm no idiot...the little blue pills are with me...I was the one going on a road trip with the kids remember...they are in my Pez dispenser..not taking any chances there... nope! So he just settled for some benedryl...and ice on the knee..and I didn't hear from him again...

(There are no actors, There is no script...this is my life!)

Love everyone...

Stacy

And the saga continues....sitting in the family room folding the laundry Ray looks out the window and in the spa is a pigeon. Hmmm...I think I vaguely recognize this one...I think I made friends with him this morning on the roof. He told me a little about himself: He's 3, loves cool nights out, and loves to take a spa! As I looked a little closer...he was actually water logged and about to take a nose dive into the deep abiss of the spa.

Ray was jumping up and down we have to save him...(I at least owed him that much, we did have a conversation this morning on the roof and he was a cheery charachter!) So I went outside scooped him up with my hands out of the spa, I think he actually had sea legs at this point because he looked drunk when he was walking, or was that because I saw Berto pouring beer into the pool this morning? Hmmm...you wonder? Well we shuffled him off into a sunny corner of the yard and it was at that moment I heard a faint distict musical tune playing in the background and low and behold ANOTHER chinese market had set up in our yard. They waved again and smiled graciously.... As I turned to look, Cain the largest of the two beastly dogs was covered, I mean covered in mud his whole face and his paws up to his neck. He was just as happy as a pig covered in mud but he's a dog! Yes! He dug to China again, boy I can't wait to tell Rob to come over and fix the mess again...(please)

Well Rob is in the back yard, yelling for me to turn on the sprinkler system on again off again, on the phone with Berto...wondering where he is because he was supposed to fix this problem. But Cain moved the dog house and chose the same spot to dig in which in turn dug up the sprinkler system that Berto had fixed this morning...but now is a huge mess again. Can you spell F-R-E-E-W-A-Y.... I will be up again at 2:30 am this morning but just opening the gate and telling the dogs...go and be free..much like the pigeon. Who by the way we carried to the front yard and he graciously tipped his wing and waddled his wet ass across the street for a brief rest before he flew off into the sunset!

By the way the doctor appointment went well, drain is gone... didn't get a fill up today...start next week Monday at 12:30pm sharp! Yea!

So that's been my day so far..it's 6pm...I've had a yogurt and a bananna for dinner, and I would say I'm done!

Night!

Stacy

Good Morning ! Well where am I right now? Basically perched on the edge of the roof debating if I should jump, and I need to decide quick because these are tile roofs in Vegas, and it is already 80 degrees outside and I'm basically doing the "walk on fire dance"..... Hmmm. How is your day going?

Ok....breathe....faith, believe, and wisdom...in and out breathe...deep cleansing breaths.... Oh this has nothing to do with my health...that is doing just fine, infact I go to the doctor in an hour for drain removal...how gross does that sound?

This has to do with my current surroundings. I was up all night because of the dogs. The two rottweiler/dobie mixes that Rob had to have and I knew that they would grow up to be complete barking, cr*pping, destructive beasts.

So picture this if you may: 2:30 am me running around the back yard trying to get the dogs into their yard. WHY you ask? Well they were whining and crying and no one would get up to see why...so I thought I would just take a peek. They didn't have any water. So I thought I could just scoot the water bucket into the yard quickly distracting them with treats thrown on the other side of the dog run, but NOPE...those lightning quick beasts did get the treats...but ran right past me and into the yard. I left the slider door open so I thought oh that's great they are going to run into the house, and destroy and go crazy, but they didn't thank goodness.

I ran into the house, and was yelling for now let me see there were 7 other people in the house. My kids = 3 Chris, Samantha, Whitey, and Rob. I was yelling up the stairs...not one person even moved. I could have been mauled by the dogs, and they could have been dragging my bones around the yard in the morning and no one would have even noticed I was missing! So I grabbed a couple of more treats and again tried to coax the 120lb beasts into their pen!

You really wouldn't believe this, yes everyone I was looking for the cameras! Everytime I would try they would run around the pool, and go on the other side so I couldn't reach them. I was afraid that they would jump the wall because they can, and now this morning in my clear thoughts I should have just let them jump and waved goodbye locking the slider behind me.

Actually I was thinking as I sat down listening to the crickets chirp...and looking at the stupid beasts across from me on the other side of the pool, this can't even be my life...but guess what...it is!

I spoke to Lori I told her I was perched on the roof, and she says "I expect it"...is that something that suprises you? That doesn't surprise me at all. Oh come on honey, make a decision either jump or go and get in the shower for your doctor's appointment, I haven't got all day." I was laughing my a** off.

Back to the beasts....finally I got them in their yard, and i didn't have to use anything but a shovel, and I was actually thinking if I banged them over the head and dug a hole would anyone notice? But I actually couldn't have done that, not because I didn't want to...but because I still have a drain tube sticking out of me as well as stitches!

Fast forward to this morning....I wake up to Rob is taking Ray to school and is yelling at the dogs, they had actually dug a hole to china and there was an actual chinese market in the backyard all set up with snacks like scorpians on a stick, and dog tail, hmmm. were they my dogs? No such luck...I smiled at the nice chinese people, and wandered over to the dog yard to see Rob with shovel in hand chasing them....not the chinese people, he was letting them in...the dogs. They were interested in the fact that they could actually have a "fresh meal in minutes" and were politely stepping out of his way.

He filled the hole, I said good bye to the chinese market, and Rob and Ray...and came up stairs to entertain all of you.

So I am off of the roof for now,instead i'm jumping into the shower, and no everyone....I don't make this up..it is real and it is my life.

I feel a change coming on....

Love you....

Stacy

It's Saturday morning and I am siting up in bed listening to the birds chirping outside and blogging. Today my little one is having her friend come over to spend the night and she is so excited, she gets to swim and have fun and we will barbeque something on the grill. Last evening I went out front to sit...the sun was setting it was around 7:30. It was interesting watching. I saw these four pigeons they were in the gutter and one of them kept picking up a pebble, then tasting it to see if it was food then dropping it, then picking it up again and then dropping it...the other pigeons got excited and then they were fighting over this pebble. Each pigeon pecking the ground...picking up the pebble and were feeling victorious when they thought they had found food. I watched them do this for about 5 minutes. I wonder why they kept picking up the same pebble all four of them over and over and then a car came and they stopped and flew away. But I wondered, ok I know pigeons are basically rats with wings, and people in other countries eat them for dinner, but I what I was watching was their instinct to survive.

I saw them hoping that that little pebble would turn into some piece of food, and that there would be more. I almost wanted to go inside and get some chips to feed them, but of corse I would have been bombarded by pigeons and then would have ultimately regretted that decision.

I want to write more about instinct and survival and I will later...I had a great phone call with my brother which I called in the middle of writing this morning because when I was thinking about the pigeons, I started thinking about him and how he helps everyone he touches, and I have now run out of time and have to run...more later....


Ok...I am back. I'm exhausted and really can't write any more about the pigeons I think I will pick it back up maybe tomorrow morning.

I went to the park with my little one and her friend today for a Democratic fundraiser for a friend who is running for an assembly position. My friend Lori is her campaign manager. So we stopped by for a little support. I went to the market today too....got a little stuff for dinner. That was the first time in the market since the surgery, tuckered me out. I cruised the wine isle that was fun, the last bottle of wine I bought was in Laguna Beach on May 3rd...memories.. before my surgery I went down to see my grandmother and spend time with family and friends.

I do like a good bottle of wine once in a while, it is supposed to be good for your heart, but I guess not to good for cancer, but I don't have cancer anymore...so I guess I will still drink an occasional glass.

I am going to go back to California next week with my kids to have them spend some time with my grandmother and family. I am going to the doctor on Monday so I will make sure I can go.

I did a bit too much today, that is for sure...I'm in a bit of pain....so I will rest for the rest of the night... you know how amazing it is that your fingers moving on the keyboard really affects your chest muscles....hmmm...

I Love You all...thanks for your cards and emails and phone calls...it keeps me going..

Stacy

Tomorrow I am going to the surgeon. She did a great job, and I am so glad that I chose to move forward with her and the plastic surgeon Dr. Earl. I haven't heard from her at all so I would guess tomorrow will be good news and progress.

It's a really windy and cloudy day today so when we go outside it is like a blowdryer in your face. Nice... supposed to have rain but I don't think that it will make it from the clouds to the ground it will evaporate before that.

I've not much to say today really..talk tomorrow...

Stacy

Hi...

I just waned to let you know that I took off my bandages today with all of this tape and ugh stuff....I put on some new gauze really don't need much of anything except where the drain still is. I get that off next week thank goodness, and I was just standing in the mirror and looking and really I would say that yes my left boobie is smaller than my right...lord knows that..it is just filled pretty good. So I have on the stretchy spaghetti strap tanks and no bra yet..so I will probably put one on tomorrow or thursday when I go to the doctor.

I was actually pretty happy because I thought that I would be so much smaller. I took a few pictures, only for ME though so I can keep a photo journal of how the healing looks. I do need to keep looking for specific changes in the skin etc.

So I need to make sure that it is still looking good etc. My girls have no problem looking at me...Rachele is so funny...she gets real close and says "mom...it looks so good here...and look how that looks." With this sweet little voice..and she helps me with my shots only 2 more and then done with the blood thinners... Doctor said that is probably why i am so bruised as well. I still have steri strips on the incisions, which should come off soon...I'm not sure if I have stitches on the outside or just inside? (actually have over 200 stiches on the inside...ouch)

I rested all day today really...I kind of felt not that great actually. But I must push myself a bit I think. I am looking forward to just maybe driving by myself and listening to music.

thats all for now....

Stacy

Good Morning! It's about 90 degrees already here and it's 9am. I'm doing good, not so much in a writing mood...i think I would rather blog in my other blog today. Went to the doctor yesterday got a good thumbs up! Another week of rest, then I'm going to get my self driving, and doing and going because I am not one to just sit around!...

Thanks for all of your emails and calls...it all works..

Stacy

Ok....updating everyone today.

It is June 1st. I am kickin in bed with Leslie (Boo's bff) laying next to me colouring one of Ray's fairy colour pages, with her phone playing music, Boo and Ray are on the floor working on fixing Boo's computer which needs an antivirus protection, and Lori is helping with that. Rob and Bear are at the other house. I am doing very well...I would say. The day of surgery I drove to the hospital with my 4 kids in the car with me. I had Bear in the front seat, Boo and Chris (boo's b-friend) in the middle seats and Ray in the way back...I was sweating not because I was nervous but because I woke Boo up at 7:15 and at 8:15 when I was saying it's time to go..she crawls out of bed with this look of..."oh sh*t are we leaving now"! Well...I had to be at the hospital which was 25 min away in lets see...15 minutes. So I went outside and sat in the car and waited for everyone to get themselves together.

Started the car and YES it was on EMPTY with NO gas...NONE...how convenient. Last night when I tucked the car in it had about a half of a tank of gas. So...was I suprised...no...we listened to Limp Bizkit My Way...which I love that song while driving and we were singing.

When we were pulling up to the hospital we were talking about how different names in different languages translate to english. So like Jorge is George...and Juan is John, and Berto was arguing with me and I thought that Jose would translate to John. We were arguing and laughing hard and he says "Mom its spelled H-O-S-E"...Jose...that is not John...and we were laughing so hard because he spelled out hose....like a water hose...I was crying I was laughig so hard, and did two trips through valet..because I couldn't stop because I was laughing... Then I stopped and got out and then he parked the car...so Boo..and Chris and Ray walked in with me.

We went in to admitting and then went upstairs to the 2nd floor for the pre test that I had to do which was a nuclear med test which was the tracer for the lymph nodes. That my friends... was the worst test and the worst pain I have ever ever felt in my whole life. Injecting a needle with radioactive dye straight into the boobie 4 times with no anesthesia at all. Then I had to lay there with this huge machine about an inch from my face for 35 min and not move...I just cried...tears rolling down my cheeks. Rob came into the room with me and even though he had to sit far away he was there. I put my headphones on and listened to my music..on my ipod...the first song that played when I hit the on button on the ipod because I couldn't see which song was going to play and Pink Floyd's- Comfortably Numb was on...how appropriate I thought!

I have become comfortably numb...ok ok ok ...just a little pin prick...there will be no more ahhhhhhhhhh...and you will feel a little sick..

When we were almost done..my mom and Fran came in to see the rest of the test...

We went up stairs and then there were let me see...about 12 people waiting to see me before surgery. My mom, Aunt Debbie, and Uncle Talat (they came from Ca. and brought my mom thankfully!), kids, bff, dad, mom, friends, fran...it was nice. We did a few quick good byes...Rob walked me into the surgery room and kissed me goodbye on the head and that was it.

When I was wheeled into the operating room I could not believe the number of instruments and bandages and sponges and scalpels and oh my medical stuff..it lined a 12 foot wall. I asked if that was all for me and he said yes. I kind of freaked out a bit, and then they didn't say a word to me...not a word and I was then just out.

The next thing I remember is yelling at the top of my lungs for these people who were all over me to stop touching me..and stop grabbing at me..I had no idea where I was and apparently I was in my hospital room being transported from my surgical bed to my bed for the next 2 or so days. I was not a happy girl. I really didn't hear any one else like any of my family at all. I was really mad and hurt and then they had to call in my Dad and I heard him talking to me and telling me what they were doing and how everything went. I felt so much better..I felt like I had woken up in the middle of surgery and was alone and so scared. He was so sweet, he just kept repeating that I was ok, and that everything went well and that I was fine.

So basically this is the story everyone: The cancer was not in my lymph nodes! Yea! That was hurdle number one. Number 2 was that it was only DCIS..and the other tissue that was "suspicious" was not even DCIS they say for now...so that is great news! We are still awaiting the "frozen" section to come back from Pathology..but on site under the microscope it was nothin..so..yea again! Then the other thing is that they did the nipple sparing mastectomy. So got to keep my nipple..and so happy about that..even though my boobie is about 50 different colors...

There are 2 incisions one under my arm on the side of my chest about 1 inchelong and another that comes from the side to the nipple...and it is about 2 inches long. I can barely lift my left arm at all and it aches..I have a drain coming out the side...and I have to take a shot everyday in my tummy to prevent blood clots...I have an expander in right now inside and under my chest muscle. The doctor filled it with saline 400cc's to be exact. He said to me that it was the most saline that he has ever filled after a breast recon. I think he didn't realize that HELLO I have a lot to start with. I have about 400-450cc's to go to be all done...it should take a month or so.

I've been really sick to my stomach a lot..haven't eaten much, couldn't go potty either, can't sleep well cause I have to sleep on my back and I am a side sleeper and can't sleep on my left side or right side. I have pillows gallore next to me.

My mom was a life saver I will say for sure. She slept with me the first and second night in the hospital, and when I woke up...I didn't wake up just nice, I woke up shaking and crying and throwing up all at the same time from the pain...the nurses were so good to me they came running in injected my iv with morphine and within a couple of minutes I was about knocked out..that happened about every 4 hours..for the next 36 hours. I was on the cancer ward, which I didn't like very much, but everyone there was so kind.

So here I am post op day 5. Taking only 1 pain pill about every 4 hours...and not sleeping very well, but a bit better.

I have a good support system here at home, Lori has been with me everyday, my Kids, Rob, my friends...Boo and Ray are helping me in the bath, because I have to bathe everyday. Berto gives me a really great long hug and kisses me at least 2 times a day...which is huge for him and me. He isn't such a hugger but he gets really cute and tucks his head right on my shoulder and holds me tight...I will as long as I live cherish his hugs because I feel how much he wants me to be ok and feel his love. Ray loves to wash my hair, and Boo blowdrys it for me. I need help getting dressed right now, because I can't really bend over and move well it's a bit painful. I really am so blessed by the friends and family that are around me. Dad came by yesterday and sat next to the bed and talked, told me how I was yappin at the nurses and with his sense of humor he made me laugh and I told him to stop. Bob and Carol came by today and brought some great muffins and had a great visit. Bob (little Brother's step dad..we have the same father but he died when Carol was pregnant with him) came by the hospital one day and it was just me and him, and we had a great conversations from politics to the surgery, and then he walked me around the floor about 3 times which I loved so much...It was nice to just spend some time with him and he brought me a nice bamboo plant with a pretty orchid in it. Everyday my mom's and aunt and brother's and cousins and friends check on me..thank you for that...

Tomorrow I go to the plastic surgeon at 2:30pm and we will find out the next steps for the next couple of months or so...I am going to have the final implant put in in 4 months or so...it will be a silicone implant I think I will see. I still have a bit of a road ahead of me, and I need to see my oncologist in a couple of weeks...he wants to start me on a drug to help prevent breast cancer in the future. I am not sure about radiation or any chemo but so far they say no way...no how...right now.

I feel so thankful and so blessed and so friggin happy that everything went exactly as I saw, visualized, and prayed about. I know that I have been of so many prayer chains from people that I don't even know...People in Kenya, Africa..Dubai, UAE...London, England..San Francisco, California...everywhere in the world praying for this outcome. I really feel so fortunate. Everyone who has thought of me has touched my life, and amazing how one thought can permeate the whole universe. We as people are so much more connected than we even think or even know.

I am a believer, always have been..I have my faith even in the darkest times..and I have the wisdom to understand that even when we don't understand I have the ability to get through it...one step at a time..and holding on tight to god, my angels with one hand and whomever I choose with the other...which is usually everyone I love with my heart and soul...

Thank you for your calls your prayers...your love...your support..your time..your energy..your hearts...and most of all you!

I Love you all,

Stacy