Tired Girl

Ok....updating everyone today.

It is June 1st. I am kickin in bed with Leslie (Boo's bff) laying next to me colouring one of Ray's fairy colour pages, with her phone playing music, Boo and Ray are on the floor working on fixing Boo's computer which needs an antivirus protection, and Lori is helping with that. Rob and Bear are at the other house. I am doing very well...I would say. The day of surgery I drove to the hospital with my 4 kids in the car with me. I had Bear in the front seat, Boo and Chris (boo's b-friend) in the middle seats and Ray in the way back...I was sweating not because I was nervous but because I woke Boo up at 7:15 and at 8:15 when I was saying it's time to go..she crawls out of bed with this look of..."oh sh*t are we leaving now"! Well...I had to be at the hospital which was 25 min away in lets see...15 minutes. So I went outside and sat in the car and waited for everyone to get themselves together.

Started the car and YES it was on EMPTY with NO gas...NONE...how convenient. Last night when I tucked the car in it had about a half of a tank of gas. So...was I suprised...no...we listened to Limp Bizkit My Way...which I love that song while driving and we were singing.

When we were pulling up to the hospital we were talking about how different names in different languages translate to english. So like Jorge is George...and Juan is John, and Berto was arguing with me and I thought that Jose would translate to John. We were arguing and laughing hard and he says "Mom its spelled H-O-S-E"...Jose...that is not John...and we were laughing so hard because he spelled out hose....like a water hose...I was crying I was laughig so hard, and did two trips through valet..because I couldn't stop because I was laughing... Then I stopped and got out and then he parked the car...so Boo..and Chris and Ray walked in with me.

We went in to admitting and then went upstairs to the 2nd floor for the pre test that I had to do which was a nuclear med test which was the tracer for the lymph nodes. That my friends... was the worst test and the worst pain I have ever ever felt in my whole life. Injecting a needle with radioactive dye straight into the boobie 4 times with no anesthesia at all. Then I had to lay there with this huge machine about an inch from my face for 35 min and not move...I just cried...tears rolling down my cheeks. Rob came into the room with me and even though he had to sit far away he was there. I put my headphones on and listened to my music..on my ipod...the first song that played when I hit the on button on the ipod because I couldn't see which song was going to play and Pink Floyd's- Comfortably Numb was on...how appropriate I thought!

I have become comfortably numb...ok ok ok ...just a little pin prick...there will be no more ahhhhhhhhhh...and you will feel a little sick..

When we were almost done..my mom and Fran came in to see the rest of the test...

We went up stairs and then there were let me see...about 12 people waiting to see me before surgery. My mom, Aunt Debbie, and Uncle Talat (they came from Ca. and brought my mom thankfully!), kids, bff, dad, mom, friends, fran...it was nice. We did a few quick good byes...Rob walked me into the surgery room and kissed me goodbye on the head and that was it.

When I was wheeled into the operating room I could not believe the number of instruments and bandages and sponges and scalpels and oh my medical stuff..it lined a 12 foot wall. I asked if that was all for me and he said yes. I kind of freaked out a bit, and then they didn't say a word to me...not a word and I was then just out.

The next thing I remember is yelling at the top of my lungs for these people who were all over me to stop touching me..and stop grabbing at me..I had no idea where I was and apparently I was in my hospital room being transported from my surgical bed to my bed for the next 2 or so days. I was not a happy girl. I really didn't hear any one else like any of my family at all. I was really mad and hurt and then they had to call in my Dad and I heard him talking to me and telling me what they were doing and how everything went. I felt so much better..I felt like I had woken up in the middle of surgery and was alone and so scared. He was so sweet, he just kept repeating that I was ok, and that everything went well and that I was fine.

So basically this is the story everyone: The cancer was not in my lymph nodes! Yea! That was hurdle number one. Number 2 was that it was only DCIS..and the other tissue that was "suspicious" was not even DCIS they say for now...so that is great news! We are still awaiting the "frozen" section to come back from Pathology..but on site under the microscope it was nothin..so..yea again! Then the other thing is that they did the nipple sparing mastectomy. So got to keep my nipple..and so happy about that..even though my boobie is about 50 different colors...

There are 2 incisions one under my arm on the side of my chest about 1 inchelong and another that comes from the side to the nipple...and it is about 2 inches long. I can barely lift my left arm at all and it aches..I have a drain coming out the side...and I have to take a shot everyday in my tummy to prevent blood clots...I have an expander in right now inside and under my chest muscle. The doctor filled it with saline 400cc's to be exact. He said to me that it was the most saline that he has ever filled after a breast recon. I think he didn't realize that HELLO I have a lot to start with. I have about 400-450cc's to go to be all done...it should take a month or so.

I've been really sick to my stomach a lot..haven't eaten much, couldn't go potty either, can't sleep well cause I have to sleep on my back and I am a side sleeper and can't sleep on my left side or right side. I have pillows gallore next to me.

My mom was a life saver I will say for sure. She slept with me the first and second night in the hospital, and when I woke up...I didn't wake up just nice, I woke up shaking and crying and throwing up all at the same time from the pain...the nurses were so good to me they came running in injected my iv with morphine and within a couple of minutes I was about knocked out..that happened about every 4 hours..for the next 36 hours. I was on the cancer ward, which I didn't like very much, but everyone there was so kind.

So here I am post op day 5. Taking only 1 pain pill about every 4 hours...and not sleeping very well, but a bit better.

I have a good support system here at home, Lori has been with me everyday, my Kids, Rob, my friends...Boo and Ray are helping me in the bath, because I have to bathe everyday. Berto gives me a really great long hug and kisses me at least 2 times a day...which is huge for him and me. He isn't such a hugger but he gets really cute and tucks his head right on my shoulder and holds me tight...I will as long as I live cherish his hugs because I feel how much he wants me to be ok and feel his love. Ray loves to wash my hair, and Boo blowdrys it for me. I need help getting dressed right now, because I can't really bend over and move well it's a bit painful. I really am so blessed by the friends and family that are around me. Dad came by yesterday and sat next to the bed and talked, told me how I was yappin at the nurses and with his sense of humor he made me laugh and I told him to stop. Bob and Carol came by today and brought some great muffins and had a great visit. Bob (little Brother's step dad..we have the same father but he died when Carol was pregnant with him) came by the hospital one day and it was just me and him, and we had a great conversations from politics to the surgery, and then he walked me around the floor about 3 times which I loved so much...It was nice to just spend some time with him and he brought me a nice bamboo plant with a pretty orchid in it. Everyday my mom's and aunt and brother's and cousins and friends check on me..thank you for that...

Tomorrow I go to the plastic surgeon at 2:30pm and we will find out the next steps for the next couple of months or so...I am going to have the final implant put in in 4 months or so...it will be a silicone implant I think I will see. I still have a bit of a road ahead of me, and I need to see my oncologist in a couple of weeks...he wants to start me on a drug to help prevent breast cancer in the future. I am not sure about radiation or any chemo but so far they say no way...no how...right now.

I feel so thankful and so blessed and so friggin happy that everything went exactly as I saw, visualized, and prayed about. I know that I have been of so many prayer chains from people that I don't even know...People in Kenya, Africa..Dubai, UAE...London, England..San Francisco, California...everywhere in the world praying for this outcome. I really feel so fortunate. Everyone who has thought of me has touched my life, and amazing how one thought can permeate the whole universe. We as people are so much more connected than we even think or even know.

I am a believer, always have been..I have my faith even in the darkest times..and I have the wisdom to understand that even when we don't understand I have the ability to get through it...one step at a time..and holding on tight to god, my angels with one hand and whomever I choose with the other...which is usually everyone I love with my heart and soul...

Thank you for your calls your prayers...your love...your support..your time..your energy..your hearts...and most of all you!

I Love you all,

Stacy