Tired Girl

It's Sunday morning April 27th and I am sitting in my home office. It's quiet except for the incessant chatter in my mind and my belly growling. Well my day ended with me falling into bed around 9:30 after a day of riding quads with the family minus my little one who hopped on a plane with her Grama yestereday morning to go to California for a famliy birthday/confirmation party.

I don't mind quadding...it's fun. My idea of quadding consists of mostly an organized place with picnic tables and a fire pit perhaps? No such luck...we were basically 4 wheeleing down a dried up river bed in Logandale with boulders and whoops! Whoops..definition: waves in the landscape that you go over..

So it was my 2 oldest kids, Rob's friend, and my sons girlfriend and Rob and I. When we finally landed, yes landed because we were airborne most of the time..I was thankful! Wow it was so pretty though, nestled in between tall red sandstone cliffs...in the distance were red sand dunes, reminded me of that Arnold Swartzeneger movie "Total Recall" set in Mars. We dragged off the quads and the cooler jammed packed with refreshments, and had stopped on the way to get sandwiches at a little deli on Water street...so got those all snuggled into the cooler to keep the mayo from poisening us later..

I don't ride that much, but did take a quad to ride the red dunes so nice and pretty.

I sat and watched everyone ride pretty much all day long...hiked up on a sandstone mountain...found a beautiful flower just growing in the middle of the cliffs...it was purple and small and pretty...and I realized that this little flower was out in the open...in the middle of a river bed of sandstone and cliffs, as small as my pinki fingernail, and was as strong and standing tall about a quarter of an inch to be exact and it survives. It is a surviver.

Rob asked my why didn't I step on it..well I guess I felt it symbolized me..It was strong, and stood alone in the middle of this vast desert and was beautiful and living..to step on it...would be to end its heroic ability to grow and survive and live. I love that little flower...

We left around 7:30 took us one and a half hours to get home, all the while everyone making noise in the backseat. I started crying about the last ten minutes of the trip..I was driving with one ipod bud in my ear and the other one in my oldest daughters ear...and listening to drunk rumbles in the back seat of Rob and his friend...my son..and his girlfriend were just being kids as well..I think emotionally I was spent...done. Physically I was exhaused. I think the day started out nice..but was too long. I became the designated driver, didn't like that much, and really spent the most part of the day...reflecting on things in life. Actually at the end of the day while falling into bed, I would not do that again, I guess I would rather have a medical exam at grand central station at high noon, and film it for girls gone wild!

At the end of the day..I guess I am trying to find security admist the noise of my life... I would say to find a partner who was more caring and understanding of me and how I feel a bit more. We don't talk about my cancer..I brought it up but he said he didn't really think about it too much, and that I will be just fine. So he deals with it like he deals with everything by being quiet. I can't imagine how he feels, or how the kids feel (haven't told the little one all the details yet...just little bits and pieces...not using the c-word...saying "the yucky stuff")...I guess scared. My oldest doesn't want to talk about it either, and my son...well it really doesn't exist for him either. Hmm..who do I talk to then? I realize that guess what this is my journey, this is my life, and whether or not i like it..it's mine to live.

And that was day 4...