Tired Girl

Heyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Ya Ya Ya I know it's been a while.

Updates:

Have to have surgery again! Argh.... Some complications with the implant, it is just movin around a bit too much...and not making me a happy girl!

Dr. said that that could happen...oh well we get er' done...in about a month I guess, we haven't talked about that yet.

Oh having memory issues, repeating the same thing over and over, and forgetting things... STRESS...or too much going on, who knows..... My oncologist says he will do some further studies....

So we will see there...

Funny story:

Out front watering the lawn and rocks and cactus with Ray...and I got her all soaking wet, and she was like coming out of a pool, we were laughing so hard, and all of the sudden she puts her face in her shirt, but you can see her eyes....and she says while breathing heavy..."Luke I am your father"... I just about fell on my butt right there... I laughed so hard...it sounded just like Darth Vader....

Then she was like doing it again saying "Stacy, I am your daughter...."

Sometimes I have no idea how she comes up with these things...but God love her! Yes, sometimes I can be funny, but jeeze she is hillarious! I mean Soooooo funny.

Ok..I will write more later....

I'm doing good, busy which is good..personal life getting better! Yay!..

Brain is workin hard, body resting a bit... oh not the super blondie anymore..put some brown in my hair..boo says it makes me look younger....LOL isn't that what you say to all women when they ask "How do I look?" and I told her so....she laughed... 6 days till her fight........WOW... exciting!

Love you all..

Stacy

Well......

It's Saturday night all comfy and watching a movie with my friend Yolie, actually I think she is sleeping really. But kitty is here with me. The kids are in California with Rob, so I had the weekend to myself, and have been just doing regular stuff around the house, and went out to dinner with Lori and Yolie last night. That was nice.

I'm feeling ok physically still..healing more everyday! It's the emotional that is still getting me. I am really excited about our website for breast cancer awareness, which keeps me going so much, because I know it is already making a difference to people in thier lives. We have a myspace and we have had a lot of people contact us already to see how they can help. I love it. That makes me happy!

I got a new contract with the promise of an extension with my supply chain consulting company. I negotiated the deal last week, and was pretty happy how they responded, they have been very good with everything. I have been working but only a little bit, and they have been great about that. Funny thing, one of their team members had to undergo surgery as well, the day after me, so we were in the same boat! That should keep me busy for at least the next 6 months...so that is good.

I would like to really just do the non profit, and really make a difference. I want to work at something that is my passion, nothing brings greater happiness in life than to serve a cause greater than yourself. A wise man said that, and I believe it to be so true for me at least.

I want you all to know that I do appreciate all of the love that you all share with me, I feel it. I will say this though that for me at least, this is beginning to be harder for me than I thought. I think about people who have brain cancer, or lung cancer, or pancreas, or kidney, or prostate...it's all on the inside. It is not something that you have to see every single day. Except for the side effects of chemo, which after you are done, you're hair grows back, if you lost weight, then you gain it back. You know it is in there, and that sucks but it is not something that is a constant reminder when you look in the mirror, and what even is harder for me to understand is that breasts are a "women's beauty." That sucks. It is how society looks at it anyway. Because as I type with tears slowly falling from my eyes, I realize that no matter what, every day of this life, everyday I will be reminded of it. If it was in the lungs, I can't see the lungs. The kidney's, can't see those either. Hmmm. But the breasts, men love them, and forever I am changed and It's so hard because boobs are a part of the "intimaacy" that people share. You don't share your lungs, liver, kidneys, or your pancreas...no one wants to touch them.

So how totally unfair is breast cancer? Now I think I'm gettin mad. Now I think that I just sit back and realize that it isn't ok. It's so totally not ok. I want there to be a cure. I want not one more person in this life to go through this. I don't understand, and I thank the lord every day that I had the gift of knowing early. Early detection saves lives. Education does as well, and spreading the word.

I have survivorship stories going on our webpage in the next couple of weeks, sharing stories from other survivors. How does that help, to me it helps me understand my feelings more about this. I'm so different and sometimes I wish I wasn't...but I know I am this way for a reason. I can't be quiet. I will speak of this to my last breath...

An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I was thinking about a quote in the movie The Brave One. Jodie Foster was beaten and her boyfriend was as well and died as a result. The detective asked her "How did you pull it back together after what happened to you?" She replied, "You don't, you become someone else, a stranger." I like that, I understand that. So I feel like I am really living in 3 different worlds right now.

One with my family, kids, friends. It goes something like this: How are you? I'm doing well, thanks. Oh that's good. Conversation over, about me which is good...because we don't want to talk about any of that because it is over.

One with work. It goes something like this: Stacy we need you to take a look at blah blah blah.... and I like that because I don't have to think about anything but work...
The other work. Non Profit: I want to stand on the top of every mountain and shout out to the world...we gotta fix this! Makes me feel good

One with just me...alone..with my thoughts: How do you feel today? Well, not too sure, physically I actually feel good, hurts a bit to lay on my sides, but pillows help that. It is the emotional and sprirtual that is scary. I really have looked within to my center, my flame and keep it steady, feeding it with peace, and love. But it's hard...but would I die for it, you bet your sweet ass. Because a man who can't die for something is not fit to live....another MLK quote. As long as I spread that word, make a difference every day of my life..I will be happy. I'm going to live for quite a while yet, I know that for sure.

So I need to get to know this "stranger" as Jodie says...and understand her more.

Wow, that one was tough....

Love you all...

Stacy

Just wanted to touch base since I haven't been writing a lot in the past few weeks. I have been resting and taking care of myself to get all better and today is one week since my final op and I feel really good!

Not in much pain, physically that is, and I was talking with a friend the other day and I wondered if I would just crash. I haven't really had the time in the past few months to do any feeling sorry for me, or crying or anything like that...and I wonder if there is something a little off inside? How come I'm not mad, or angrier, or crying about all that I have been through. For God's sake I don't have a left breast anymore, but of course it looks like I do. I had this totally invasive, destructive to the physical as well as the mental and spiritual body surgery that took from me something that I have always took for granted. Boobies! Oh how many times I would say I wish they were smaller..If I could take that back now.

I just bounce around life like a pinball I think. Spinning, hurling, barely breathing yes out of control.... You know how a pinball just is slowly rolling through the game, and gets the smack from some flipper that is inflicted upon it from a push from your finger or it gets an unwanted shock from some other mechanical inflictor, slapped upside it without warning. The shiny ball rolls and it zooms really fast and it is hard to keep up with it and then it bounces really slow and you pray that it doesn't go straight down the middle to be recycled again to start all over...because the more points you rack up, the more you see that ball spinning before you...you're winning....until game over.

But what if we just continued to play and play and play that same turn and didn't get that down time, that chance to take a break and recoup? I guess we would just get tired. I'm tired now. I feel tired. I don't feel like getting out of bed somedays, but do...I feel like no one understands a bit of how I feel, and I'm screaming inside literally and I have to be strong for my kids, for me, for my life etc.

I think about how everyone in life is doing thier own thing, and just get up go to work, come home, and sometimes I think doesn't anyone really see anything? Life isn't just that...we all get so consumed with striving to make life work for us..making enough money to make more money to live a better life, and in the end one thing can take everything away from you in an instant, one accident, one illness, one flip of the flipper and game over......

I do think that I am going a bit crazee right now. I wish I had the love and support that I needed, I wish I had the understanding that I needed, I do in so many people but not in the few that I really need. My kids are exactly the same, they don't want to talk about anything. Berto on day 2 after this surgery is asking me to do his laundry! I lift up my shirt and say, just because you don't see this, doesn't mean it didn't happen. WOW..that didn't go over well. But come on, I mean I know the thought behind that one was, Mom's ok. She is just fine, she looks fine, so she is fine.

Well right now I feel anything but fine, physically yea, but emotionally no. I am this: Lucky I didn't have chemo. God forbid that would have been DONE button for me. Lucky I had the ability to choose LIFE because some women don't. Lucky that I am who I am really because I do just take things with a grain of salt usually, but this time.....I am starting to feel something different.

I almost have I don't give a sh*t attitude, because I'm tired. I'm tired of alot actually. I feel like that shiney ball that has been kicked around the pin ball board and needs that rest, and I'm not going to push the button right now to start a new game.

To me, my air that I breathe is helping others. It keeps me alive actually. Engaging others who are in need of some type of conversation. Making a difference in this world. I have to do that. I will do that. In the process, I will probably be told that I am selfish, but I am anything but that. I'm actually probably on the edge right now, just looking over this amazing scene and taking it all in...breathing deep and getting ready to push that button and start a new game.

Love to all,

Stacy