Tired Girl

Just wanted to touch base since I haven't been writing a lot in the past few weeks. I have been resting and taking care of myself to get all better and today is one week since my final op and I feel really good!

Not in much pain, physically that is, and I was talking with a friend the other day and I wondered if I would just crash. I haven't really had the time in the past few months to do any feeling sorry for me, or crying or anything like that...and I wonder if there is something a little off inside? How come I'm not mad, or angrier, or crying about all that I have been through. For God's sake I don't have a left breast anymore, but of course it looks like I do. I had this totally invasive, destructive to the physical as well as the mental and spiritual body surgery that took from me something that I have always took for granted. Boobies! Oh how many times I would say I wish they were smaller..If I could take that back now.

I just bounce around life like a pinball I think. Spinning, hurling, barely breathing yes out of control.... You know how a pinball just is slowly rolling through the game, and gets the smack from some flipper that is inflicted upon it from a push from your finger or it gets an unwanted shock from some other mechanical inflictor, slapped upside it without warning. The shiny ball rolls and it zooms really fast and it is hard to keep up with it and then it bounces really slow and you pray that it doesn't go straight down the middle to be recycled again to start all over...because the more points you rack up, the more you see that ball spinning before you...you're winning....until game over.

But what if we just continued to play and play and play that same turn and didn't get that down time, that chance to take a break and recoup? I guess we would just get tired. I'm tired now. I feel tired. I don't feel like getting out of bed somedays, but do...I feel like no one understands a bit of how I feel, and I'm screaming inside literally and I have to be strong for my kids, for me, for my life etc.

I think about how everyone in life is doing thier own thing, and just get up go to work, come home, and sometimes I think doesn't anyone really see anything? Life isn't just that...we all get so consumed with striving to make life work for us..making enough money to make more money to live a better life, and in the end one thing can take everything away from you in an instant, one accident, one illness, one flip of the flipper and game over......

I do think that I am going a bit crazee right now. I wish I had the love and support that I needed, I wish I had the understanding that I needed, I do in so many people but not in the few that I really need. My kids are exactly the same, they don't want to talk about anything. Berto on day 2 after this surgery is asking me to do his laundry! I lift up my shirt and say, just because you don't see this, doesn't mean it didn't happen. WOW..that didn't go over well. But come on, I mean I know the thought behind that one was, Mom's ok. She is just fine, she looks fine, so she is fine.

Well right now I feel anything but fine, physically yea, but emotionally no. I am this: Lucky I didn't have chemo. God forbid that would have been DONE button for me. Lucky I had the ability to choose LIFE because some women don't. Lucky that I am who I am really because I do just take things with a grain of salt usually, but this time.....I am starting to feel something different.

I almost have I don't give a sh*t attitude, because I'm tired. I'm tired of alot actually. I feel like that shiney ball that has been kicked around the pin ball board and needs that rest, and I'm not going to push the button right now to start a new game.

To me, my air that I breathe is helping others. It keeps me alive actually. Engaging others who are in need of some type of conversation. Making a difference in this world. I have to do that. I will do that. In the process, I will probably be told that I am selfish, but I am anything but that. I'm actually probably on the edge right now, just looking over this amazing scene and taking it all in...breathing deep and getting ready to push that button and start a new game.

Love to all,

Stacy