Tired Girl

Well......

It's Saturday night all comfy and watching a movie with my friend Yolie, actually I think she is sleeping really. But kitty is here with me. The kids are in California with Rob, so I had the weekend to myself, and have been just doing regular stuff around the house, and went out to dinner with Lori and Yolie last night. That was nice.

I'm feeling ok physically still..healing more everyday! It's the emotional that is still getting me. I am really excited about our website for breast cancer awareness, which keeps me going so much, because I know it is already making a difference to people in thier lives. We have a myspace and we have had a lot of people contact us already to see how they can help. I love it. That makes me happy!

I got a new contract with the promise of an extension with my supply chain consulting company. I negotiated the deal last week, and was pretty happy how they responded, they have been very good with everything. I have been working but only a little bit, and they have been great about that. Funny thing, one of their team members had to undergo surgery as well, the day after me, so we were in the same boat! That should keep me busy for at least the next 6 months...so that is good.

I would like to really just do the non profit, and really make a difference. I want to work at something that is my passion, nothing brings greater happiness in life than to serve a cause greater than yourself. A wise man said that, and I believe it to be so true for me at least.

I want you all to know that I do appreciate all of the love that you all share with me, I feel it. I will say this though that for me at least, this is beginning to be harder for me than I thought. I think about people who have brain cancer, or lung cancer, or pancreas, or kidney, or prostate...it's all on the inside. It is not something that you have to see every single day. Except for the side effects of chemo, which after you are done, you're hair grows back, if you lost weight, then you gain it back. You know it is in there, and that sucks but it is not something that is a constant reminder when you look in the mirror, and what even is harder for me to understand is that breasts are a "women's beauty." That sucks. It is how society looks at it anyway. Because as I type with tears slowly falling from my eyes, I realize that no matter what, every day of this life, everyday I will be reminded of it. If it was in the lungs, I can't see the lungs. The kidney's, can't see those either. Hmmm. But the breasts, men love them, and forever I am changed and It's so hard because boobs are a part of the "intimaacy" that people share. You don't share your lungs, liver, kidneys, or your pancreas...no one wants to touch them.

So how totally unfair is breast cancer? Now I think I'm gettin mad. Now I think that I just sit back and realize that it isn't ok. It's so totally not ok. I want there to be a cure. I want not one more person in this life to go through this. I don't understand, and I thank the lord every day that I had the gift of knowing early. Early detection saves lives. Education does as well, and spreading the word.

I have survivorship stories going on our webpage in the next couple of weeks, sharing stories from other survivors. How does that help, to me it helps me understand my feelings more about this. I'm so different and sometimes I wish I wasn't...but I know I am this way for a reason. I can't be quiet. I will speak of this to my last breath...

An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I was thinking about a quote in the movie The Brave One. Jodie Foster was beaten and her boyfriend was as well and died as a result. The detective asked her "How did you pull it back together after what happened to you?" She replied, "You don't, you become someone else, a stranger." I like that, I understand that. So I feel like I am really living in 3 different worlds right now.

One with my family, kids, friends. It goes something like this: How are you? I'm doing well, thanks. Oh that's good. Conversation over, about me which is good...because we don't want to talk about any of that because it is over.

One with work. It goes something like this: Stacy we need you to take a look at blah blah blah.... and I like that because I don't have to think about anything but work...
The other work. Non Profit: I want to stand on the top of every mountain and shout out to the world...we gotta fix this! Makes me feel good

One with just me...alone..with my thoughts: How do you feel today? Well, not too sure, physically I actually feel good, hurts a bit to lay on my sides, but pillows help that. It is the emotional and sprirtual that is scary. I really have looked within to my center, my flame and keep it steady, feeding it with peace, and love. But it's hard...but would I die for it, you bet your sweet ass. Because a man who can't die for something is not fit to live....another MLK quote. As long as I spread that word, make a difference every day of my life..I will be happy. I'm going to live for quite a while yet, I know that for sure.

So I need to get to know this "stranger" as Jodie says...and understand her more.

Wow, that one was tough....

Love you all...

Stacy