Tired Girl

Ok.... had the biopsy and the MRI yesterday...lying in bed, relaxing today, with my Roo and YoYo!

All feeling a bit under the weather. The biopsy/mri was not fun... and thankfully it was more of an open MRI..so not so closed, but what amazed me is that they did the surgery right there in the MRI room.. just put his little tray of instruments right up along side of me and sat there and did the biopsy.

One thing that I thought was kind of neat is that while I was laying on my stomach for an hour, they had my boobies in this contraption. Ok so laying on my tummy put my breasts in the holes, and then the right one was compressed with this grid like thingie. So when they put me in the MRI machine, it made the images with a grid like pattern. This is so the physician could see which quadrant the doctor had to drill into to get the sample of "suspicious" tissue.

The IV was good, they only had to stick me 2 times, the drugs were ok as well, took the pain away not too groggy. While he was actually starting the biopsy, he started to inject me with Lidocaine. He used a total of 40mg when he ws all said and done. The thing that I really didn't like was the drill like thing.... he was cutting on the breast just a small incision, then this drill was going into my breast, and he says tell me if it hurts, and IT DID.... then he would stop and more Lidocaine..then again, but he was very nice. I was crying, and listening to country music on the headphones...the song that was on was Lonestar, From My Front Porch Looking in. I will forever relate that song to this procedure.

I kept on having to go in and out of the MRI machine for more pictures, then out for more surgical fun, then back again. I couldn't move because I couldn't move the right breast that was in the grid. It was horrible. An my arms were strapped to my sides so i couldn't even scratch my nose, or wipe my tears or nose.... I had to ask the nurse to do it for me..they always were asking me.."are you ok" what am I going to say? NO Get me the heck out of here? They already told me if I move, they can not finish the test because they can only inject me with the G-Contrast only once in a week or something like that. So that made me want to just suck it up and not move.

Anyway after all of that, they took me down to Mammo and had to give me a mammogram of the right breast, just to make sure that the clips they inserted were in the right spot. To me that was crazy, because I just had surgery and yes squeezing the breast after that, hurt, and of course bled.

Wonderful. Almost Barbaric, I would say. If this happens when I am awake, I can only wonder what happened the first time when I had my mastectomy.

Well I got home, and slept until early evening since the whole ordeal started at 10am I slept until 6pm...then had a bit of dinner. Then back to sleep...

So today, I am sore, and sick to my stomach... it bothers me alot actually.

And that is it.. I am not knowing anything about the results yet. I will let you know...

Stacy

Well, it is Monday morning on December 29th....and today I will go for yet another wonderful biopsy, and MRI...needles, contrast the whole shebang!

But I do believe that it will be ok. If it is the dreaded C again..lets hope it is a Second Primary...not mets.

But again I think that I am dreading the test more than the outcome actually! Funny how that happens.

Had one of my brother's friend call me Heather, what a sweetheart, she talked to me in the beginning way back in April. I will ring her back tomorrow probably.

Well 2008 has been a year of major highs and lows, but I do know for sure, that I am a different person than I was back in April, and May...before my surgery. I feel much less tolerant of the "stuff" in my life, ok maybe I shouldn't say tolerant, I should say more not sweating the small stuff. I appreciate much more my close family and friends, and I really will not allow any kind of stress in my life. Whether that be a person, or a job, or anything. I just need to let it all go, because it is that very thought of holding on to stress, holding on to arguments, pain, fear, that to made me in a weaker emotional state and contributed to everything that was in 2008.

My goal for this coming year, is to stay healthy, mind, body and soul. To surround me with people that are loving and caring and giving and thankful...I want to be in a healthy mind, body, spirit environment. This is my choice. I choose to surround myself with this to feed my spirit, and my health. I will not surround myself with anything else. No chaos, no stress, no fear, no arguments, just love and faith.

Sounds crazee huh? But honestly, yes there will be times when I am under stress, yes everyone gets there, but when it comes down to the core...I can still see my flame...steady and know that I am at peace.

Talk to you more soon......

Lying here in bed, it's really quiet except for the whirr of the computer, and Lola snoring. The Picture above is of my Cousins..my first cousins...who I love with all of my heart! It's Sunday morning. Today we are going shopping once again and then wrapping up some gifts later I would presume. Then after Christmas..and Hanukkah is January and my cousins Wedding. The wedding shower, is in a couple of weeks. I think about my family, and I love everyone.

I am Jewish. I married a Catholic. My children are Catholic by baptism, but Jewish by blood, it goes by the mother. Well my Aunt...my mother's sister married a Muslim.
So we have Jewish, Catholic and Islam all within our family. I think that is amazing. My first cousins are practicing Islam, the religion of Muslims. In the Jewish faith, the blood line is passed down from the mother, in the Muslim faith it is the father. So my beautiful first cousins are Muslim.

I am so intrigued with the faith, with all faiths actually. The common thread is God, Allah, Adonai, or many other names that Judaism may refer to as "God".

I listen to the stories my Uncle tells within the Qur'an. The Qur'an is the central religious text of Islam. He told me about how God took the earth from all over the world and created man. How, from that different colored earth man was made, which would help us to understand why we come in so many colors, and there are many differences in how we look. He told me of the many prophets within, Noah, Jesus, Mohammad. Muslims believe in only one God, which translated from Arabic is Allah. They believe in only one God, and Mohammad is his messenger. The Qur'an describes many Biblical prophets and messengers as Muslim: Adam, Noah (Arabic: Nuh), Moses (Arabic: Mūsā) and Jesus (Arabic: ˤĪsā) and his apostles. The Qur'ān states that these men were Muslims because they submitted to God, preached his message and upheld his values. Thus, in Surah 3:52 of the Qur'ān, Jesus’ disciples tell Jesus, "We believe in God; and you be our witness that we submit and obey (wa ashahadu bil-muslimūna)."

I talk with him in great detail about Judaism. Judaism presents itself as the covenential relationship between the Children of Israel (later, the Jewish nation) and God. As such, many consider it the first monotheistic religion although many aspects of Judaism correspond to Western concepts of ethics and civil law. Judaism is among the oldest religious traditions still being practised today, and many of its texts and traditions are central to other Abrahamic religions. As such, Jewish history and the principles and ethics of Judaism have influenced various other religions, including Christianity and Islam.

Followers of Judaism are called Jews, and while Judaism is open to converts, the Jewish collective is regarded as an ethno-religious group, for reasons derived from the sacred texts that define them as a nation, rather than followers of a faith. In 2007, the world Jewish population was estimated at 13.2 million people, 41% of whom lived in Israel.

In modern Judaism, central authority is not vested in any single person or body, but in sacred texts, religious law, and learned Rabbis who interpret those texts and laws. According to Jewish tradition, Judaism begins with the Covenant between God and Abraham (ca. 2000 BCE), the patriarch and progenitor of the Jewish nation. Throughout the ages, Judaism has adhered to a number of religious principles, the most important of which is the belief in a single, omniscient, omnipotent, benevolent, transcendent God, who created the universe and continues to govern it. According to Jewish tradition, the God who created the world established a covenant with the Israelites and their descendants, and revealed his laws and commandments to Moses on Mount Sinai in the form of both the Written and Oral Torah. Judaism has traditionally valued Torah study and the observance of the commandments recorded in the Torah and as expounded in the Talmud.

So one of the differences between the Religions of Judaism, Islam, and Christianity is that the Jews believe that they have been regarded as an ethno-religious group. This defines followers of Judaism as nation, not a follower of faith. In Islam, the prophet Mohammad was the interpreter of the word of God. In Christianity it is Christ, who spoke the word of God. Historically, Judaism has considered belief in the divine revelation and acceptance of the Written and Oral Torah as its fundamental core belief, but Judaism does not have a centralized authority dictating religious dogma.

Christianity (from the word Xριστός "Christ") is a monotheistic religion centered on the life and teachings of Jesus as presented in the New Testament. Its followers, known as Christians, believe that Jesus is the only begotten Son of God and the Messiah (Christ) prophesied in the Hebrew Bible (the part of scripture common to Christianity and Judaism). To Christians, Jesus Christ is a teacher, the model of a virtuous life, the revealer of God, as well as an incarnation of God, and most importantly the savior of humanity who suffered, died, and was resurrected to bring about salvation from sin. Christians maintain that Jesus ascended into heaven, and most denominations teach that Jesus will return to judge the living and the dead, granting everlasting life to his followers. Christians call the message of Jesus Christ the Gospel ("good news") and hence label the written accounts of his ministry as gospels.

Like Judaism and Islam, Christianity is classified as an Abrahamic religion. Christianity began as a Jewish sect in the eastern Mediterranean, quickly grew in size and influence over a few decades, and by the 4th century had become the dominant religion within the Roman Empire. During the Middle Ages, most of the remainder of Europe was christianized, with Christians also being a (sometimes large) religious minority in the Middle East, North Africa, and parts of India. Following the Age of Discovery, through missionary work and colonization, Christianity spread to the Americas and the rest of the world.

Christianity has played a prominent role in the shaping of Western civilization at least since the 4th century. As of the early 21st century, Christianity has between 1.5 billion and 2.1 billion adherents, representing about a quarter to a third of the world's population.

So what does this have to do with Breast Cancer? Well, I am Jewish by blood. I do not know if my ancestors were Ashkenazi Jews. Ashkenazi Jews have a higher breast cancer rate. They are genetically different. Their DNA is different...Both the extent and location of the maternal ancestral deme from which the Ashkenazi Jewry arose remain obscure. Using complete sequences of the maternally inherited mitochondrial DNA, it shows that close to one-half of Ashkenazi Jews, estimated at 8,000,000 people, can be traced back to only four women carrying distinct mtDNAs that are virtually absent in other populations, with the important exception of low frequencies among non-Ashkenazi Jews. We conclude that four founding mtDNAs, likely of Near Eastern ancestry, underwent major expansion(s) in Europe within the past millennium.

Although in the 11th century they comprised only 3% of the world's Jewish population, Ashkenazi Jews accounted for (at their highest) 92% of the world's Jews in 1931 and today make up approximately 80% of Jews worldwide. Most Jewish communities with extended histories in Europe are Ashkenazim, with the exception of those associated with the Mediterranean region. The majority of the Jews who migrated from Europe to other continents in the past two centuries are Ashkenazim, Eastern Ashkenazim in particular. This is especially true in the United States, where 6 out of the 7 million American Jewish population — the largest Jewish population in the world when consistent statistical parameters are used— is Ashkenazi, representing the world's single largest concentration of Ashkenazim.

That was one of the first questions my oncologist asked me? Are you Ashkenazi? I didn't know the answer. I may never know the answer. I know my family was from Germany....German Jews...before that...I don't know..

Specific abnormalities in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes are more commonly found in Ashkenazi Jewish women. Ashkenazi Jews have ancestors from Central or Eastern Europe.

About 1 in 40 Ashkenazi Jews — with or without breast cancer — has a genetic mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2. In one study of more than 5,300 Ashkenazi Jewish men and women (New England Journal of Medicine, May 15, 1997), 120 people (2.3%) had one of the three specific abnormalities in BRCA1 and BRCA2 known to be associated with a higher risk of breast cancer.

A more recent study (Journal of the American Medical Association, December 26, 2007) of more than 3,000 women diagnosed with breast cancer looked at the risk of abnormal BRCA1 genes in different ethnicities. The results showed:

8.3% of Ashkenazi Jewish women had an abnormal BRCA1 gene.

So I could be of Ashkenazi decent, and I probably am. I probably won't get the genetic testing for the BRCA1. Then my insurance company can be sticky with me...

So in my life, my faith, my family....I have so much. So much to be thankful for...so much to be amazed by..and so much religion surrounding me..that all leads to just one source.... GOD...

LTA,

Stacy

Well it's another day in Paradise...

Ya know I just figured out how to add a video, to my blog..that is why I have two in a row... Funny huh?

Went to the doctor last night my Oncologist, who was so sweet as always. He apologized to me about the mix up on which breast had the issue in it.

He did say it was more closer to the surface, so that makes me feel so much better, because of the recent cosmetic changes to that breast.

But we have to make sure, so I will go and see my Surgeon on Monday late morning.

Ok so today is the xmas shopping day....still a few more things to get.

Off I go....

Stacy

This is a movie made by my mom here in Las Vegas, Yes...it's Las Vegas! Snow storm December 17th 2008!

I love this movie, one of my most favorites ever....

The song is the most beautiful...listen to the words...really listen..

Spend All Your Time Waiting For That Second Chance
for The Break That Will Make It Ok
there's Always Some Reason To Feel “not Good Enough”
and It's Hard At The End Of The Day
i Need Some Distraction, Oh Beautiful Release
memories Seep From My Veins
they May Be Empty And Weightless, And Maybe
i'll Find Some Peace Tonight

in The Arms Of An Angel, Fly Away From Here
from This Dark, Cold Hotel Room, And The Endlessness That You Fear
you Are Pulled From The Wreckage Of Your Silent Reverie
you're In The Arms Of An Angel; May You Find Some Comfort Here

So Tired Of The Straight Line, And Everywhere You Turn
there's Vultures And Thieves At Your Back
the Storm Keeps On Twisting, You Keep On Building The Lies
that You Make Up For All That You Lack
it Don't Make No Difference, Escaping One Last Time
it's Easier To Believe
in This Sweet Madness, Oh This Glorious Sadness
that Brings Me To My Knees

In The Arms Of An Angel, Far Away From Here
from This Dark, Cold Hotel Room, And The Endlessness That You Fear
you Are Pulled From The Wreckage Of Your Silent Reverie
in The Arms Of An Angel; May You Find Some Comfort Here

Stacy

You live in a world of illusions. A world that springs from a much deeper and far greater reality. And while at times the illusions are indeed ugly, with your physical senses you only see the tip of the iceberg. If you could see the whole, you'd discover that the unpleasantness was only the tiniest piece of a most spectacular puzzle that was created with order, intelligence, and absolute love. You'd see that contrary to appearances, in the grandest scheme of things, nothing is ever lost, no one becomes less, and setbacks are always temporary. And you'd understand that no matter what has happened, everyone lives again, everyone laughs again, and everyone loves again, even more richly than before.

The Universe....

Ok..........Rewind!

Well I just got in from my trip, and it's snowing, and snowing hard.

But that is not why I am writing. I picked up MRI films and report. Guess what, I'm a bit angry at my doctor. My oncologist. He told me all about my "new suspicious" image, and he was talking the whole time about my left breast, the one with the mastectomy. I can see now with the films, the area, but they say it is normal.

Guess what...reading the report it isn't my LEFT BREAST it is in my RIGHT BREAST..the perfect pretty one. NICE HUH! I just can't believe this. This is what the report says:

On the right, there has been interval development of a few very small areas of nodular enhancement. These measure 4x 2mm with an adjacent 2m area of enhancement. these lie in the inferior RIGHT breast at approximately the 6 o'clock position, 7.5 from the center. The enhancement patter is rapid but persistent. Given the interval development as well as the history of DCIS which demonstrated a similar pattern of enhancement on the previous MRI, I would consider follow up with a biopsy to exclude underlying malignancy or developing DCIS.

WOW...So now Round Two.......FIGHT! So I have an appointment with the doctor again, my surgeon on Monday. Then an MRI guided biopsy and the results will be GOOD. I am going to believe this. If it is DCIS..then we deal with it. If it is another occurrence of Breast Cancer...then it has spread. NOT GOOD. But we will have to be hopeful and think that everything will be alright.

The things I go through....

Well, Well, Well........Leave Demi, and come punk me Ashton! Yea, I'm waiting for the camera's...again. Why...well got off of the phone with my doctor, my oncologist to get my results for my MRI. The MRI I had last week. Ok, now so when you have a mastectomy, they actually take your breast tissue out right? Isn't that what a mastectomy is? Let's look it up on Wiki....(dontcha love wiki)different mastectomy's according to Wiki.

Modified radical mastectomy: The entire breast tissue is removed along with the axillary contents (fatty tissue and lymph nodes). In contrast to a radical mastectomy, the pectoral muscles are spared. NOPE NOT ME


Radical mastectomy (or "Halsted mastectomy"): First performed in 1882, this procedure involves removing the entire breast, the axillary lymph nodes, and the pectoralis major and minor muscles behind the breast. This procedure is more disfiguring than a modified radical mastectomy and provides no survival benefit for most tumors. This operation is now reserved for tumors involving the pectoralis major muscle or recurrent breast cancer involving the chest wall. NOPE NOT ME

Skin-sparing mastectomy: In this surgery, the breast tissue is removed through a conservative incision made around the areola (the dark part surrounding the nipple). The increased amount of skin preserved as compared to traditional mastectomy resections serves to facilitate breast reconstruction procedures. Patients with cancers that involve the skin, such as inflammatory cancer, are not candidates for skin-sparing mastectomy. YEP ME!

Subcutaneous mastectomy: Breast tissue is removed, but the nipple-areola complex is preserved. This procedure was historically done only prophylactically or with mastectomy for benign disease over fear of increased cancer development in retained areolar ductal tissue. Recent series suggest that it may be an oncologically sound procedure for tumors not in the subareolar position. YEP ME!

Simple mastectomy (or "total mastectomy"): In this procedure, the entire breast tissue is removed, but axillary contents are undisturbed. Sometimes the "sentinel lymph node"--that is, the first axillary lymph node that the would be expected to drain into--is removed. This surgery is sometimes done bilaterally (on both breasts) on patients who wish to undergo mastectomy as a cancer-preventative measure. Patients who undergo simple mastectomy can usually leave the hospital after a brief stay. Frequently, a drainage tube is inserted during surgery in their chest and attached to a small suction device to remove subcutaneous fluid. These are usually removed several days after surgery as drainage decrease to less than 20-30 ml per day. YEP ME, but not bilateral.

So I had a Simple, Subcutaneous, Skin-Sparing Mastectomy. Well in this process, they remove all of the breast tissue right, then in reconstruction they put in an implant, and Presto! a new boobie. Well, in talking with my Oncologist this evening, and by the way I am in a hotel room, 3000 miles away from home, of course, and he told me that there was something that showed up on the MRI. Something "suspicious". NICE---WONDERFUL---In the same breast that had the Simple, Subcutaneous, Skin-Sparing Mastectomy. How is that possible? I pondered this out loud, while I screamed inside?
He told me it is probably scar tissue, but I have to make an appointment with my Breast Surgeon, Anabella B. M.D. tomorrow. So I have my BFF getting up and calling NVCI to get my MRI films printed up, then she is calling Dr. B to make my appointment
to schedule which will be my .......hmmmm let me see the 5th surgery. Well we will take it one step at a time, and take a deep breath and let it all go.

Because this is my life, this is my reality, and once again I will be ok...

You sure I'm not getting punk'd? For those of you who don't know what Punk'd is: (Again thank you Wikipedia)

Punk'd was an American hidden camera practical joke television series on MTV, produced and hosted by Ashton Kutcher, which first aired in 2003. It bears a strong resemblance to both the classic hidden camera show Candid Camera, and to TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes, which also featured pranks on celebrities. Being "Punk'd" refers to having such a prank played on oneself, and to "punk someone" refers to making someone else the victim of the show's style of prank itself.

Ok so I'm going to bed, I have to get up in 4 hours to go to the airport, and fly home...

This is day 237.......

Love to all...Stacy

I was talking with my brother, who recently told me that he has decided to become a vegan. Why? He was driving down the street, and he passed a truck, with crates stuffed full of chickens, with feathers flying out, and at that moment, he decided nope...no more chicken. Nothing with Fur of Feathers, fur and feather free.

What about the chicken in the middle?? He asked me...I thought for a minute, and I felt sad. I thought wow, the other day in my MRI, I had to go into a tunnel, get pictures taken of my boobies, and basically freaked out. I had to get my IV port access-which is usually a nightmare, but not at NVCI..they are the pro port people. First stick and BAM they got it... Then downstairs to the machine. I had to be pulled out, because I was basically that chicken in the middle. Above my face, about an inch above my face, was the MRI machine..so I closed my eyes...and beside me..my arms were basically squished..hmmm. Enough I said. With tears streaming down my face, I had the little squeezie thingie in my had to let them know if I was having a hard time.

Well I squeezed it. Hard. They pulled me out. We called upstairs to the doctor, and within 5 minutes they were down with me injecting my IV with a nice and happy drug. So I could relax. Back to being the chicken in the middle. This time I was on my tummy..and I had to lay face down, which at this point I was just ready to get it done. I need to ask the makers of MRI machines did they ever think of comfort, or they actually thought, hey it's all about getting the pictures, even if it is uncomfortable.

So honestly when you are in the MRI machine, all of you from Head to toe it is so loud. And then you swear the the machine is talking to you. You actually hear words coming from the machines, incessant chatter. So we have this flight or fight response built into us, right? We hear a siren, and we feel a rush of adreneline, we hear a loud noise and our first response is to look where it is coming from, assess if it is a danger, and then move away from the sound, quickly because it is a natural thing to do. Well, being in the tube, the chicken in the middle, you can't move. I mean you can't even breathe deep, just shallow breaths, and you lay there with this horrible loud noise that is pounding at your heart, your mind, your body, your soul. You want to run, and get away, but you can't.

So you just endure 45 minutes of being the chicken in the middle...just to see if I will get the "all clear" from my Doc's. Well I haven't heard from them yet..called him and left a message. I will hear from him tomorrow I do think!

So back to my brother being a vegan. I can understand his thoughts, about the chicken in the middle of the caged coups on the back of a truck going to the market for slaughter. The poor chickens do feel pain, they are probably scared, and that would then be released into their meat which we eat. The fear, the antibiotics, the stress. We are eating it all. We eat the stress, the fear and what does that do to us. Well, honestly we probably will never know...but guess what??? It makes you think twice before you buy that nice looking packaged chicken at the market. What are we eating? What kind of stress are we eating, antibiotics, and fear?

I just think that what he decided today is brave, and I love it. Could I do it. You bet your sweet A** I could. You are what you eat...they say... So I would rather not be that chicken in the middle...stressed, full of fear..scared...

I want to be free..I want to be me.....

Stacy

Well it is that time again... I am scheduled for my follow up MRI. This is the Breast Cone MRI with Contrast. I'm good with it, I'm actually 2 months late, but I was a little busy with my surgeries the past few months. I'm wonderfully happy about how everything turned out, only because I really don't have a choice but to be happy because I won't do another surgery. Done!

Funny story...called to schedule the MRI, but it wasn't ordered by my Oncologist yet. So they transfered me up to his nurse. While I listened to her voice mail message, (the poor dear) I was looking around my desk for some sharp object to jab into my eyes...it would have been less painful. Her message was very slow, like it was on the S-L-O-W motion tour! Me with my ADD, I was literally in another planet on her second sentence....so what do you think I did? Yea, I hung up. Promptly emailed my doctor: ORDER MY MRI...I WANT MY MRI... that was the subject line of the email, the body of the email...was funny basically telling him that his nurses voice put me in a state of frenzy...

Well doing my MRI and hopefully everything comes out clean... and picture perfect.

I do believe it will... I will keep you posted of course!

Ok... I'm busy doing all kinds of stuff...so I will go now... talk to you later!

Stacy

So you want to hear my dream last night? Well I'm going to tell you anyway. We have this fish tank. It has fish in it as all fish tanks do, but you can't see them very well, because the water is murky, because of the type of fish, I guess it is supposed to be that way.

I'm not sure that is what my son tells me anyway, kind of like it's own ecosystem. What ever that means.

Ok to the dream then. So, I was, no joke, standing on the edge of a pool of clear water a little area by the beach much like a tide pool. There were fish in there, I could see them clearly, they were looking for something. I was on a walk way and I was watching the fish, I noticed another pool, made of lava rock, within that pool was a huge gold fish, happily swimming. I turned my attention to the clear pool and stared at the numerous fish, who still seemed like they were looking for something. To my surprise the fish started jumping out of the water and I was not throwing them back in, like one would think right? No...I was running from one fish to the next sticking a hose in their mouths to basically bring them back to life. They would actually inflate and start feeling alive again, then I would run to the next fish and do the same thing, only to run to another and back again and keep bringing them all back to life.

I would feel good to do that, but then worry about the other fish. It was CRAZY.

Hmmmmmmm..... a metaphor for my life. Yep. And a damn good one at that. It amazes me to see how my life really mirrors the dream. I am going from one struggle to the next to the next, and putting enough water in it to bring it back to life, and then only to see that it is all dried up and have to go back to water it again.

I loved it. This dream. I woke up and loved it. Of course I am one to sit down and pontificate on the meaning, and It was basically crystal clear. I'm tired. I'm tired of being everything to everyone, but basically being nothing to anyone. I'm tired of being tired. I'm struggling sometimes emotionally, because I'm the only one who can take care of me, my emotional state. The whole package. Is a good one, but I don't even want to be a package right now. I want to be a part of something bigger than life, and I don't want to be history, I want to make history.

But then......I don't. I have so many aspirations, but then I think why? I love helping people, and being a part of that has helped me.

You also know what I think is crazy. After being sick, and on the road to getting better, I now have all of the talking with my insurance company constantly. Getting the doctors paid, making sure they are paid in network, not out of network. Making sure that the bills are getting paid by the insurance companies, and then working with the hospitals, 2 separate hospitals, 3 separate doctors who I see all the time, as well as the 4 separate anesthesiologists that bill for their services. It's literally crazy. I am my own case manager actually. So I am working with the doctors offices, the hospitals, the radiologists, the anesthesiologists to get all of my doctor's bills together.

I spoke with one of my doctor's offices today, and let them know that the insurance company is going to re-pay the claims for my case because they paid them out of network. Argh.. so I only owe him a small fortune, not a fortune..LOL.

So anyway..back to the fish to fish. Yes, I am constantly running from fish to fish, and I am thinking that maybe I should just stop and let them die, because I know if I actually attempt to put them back into the water...they will only jump out and land at my feet with their feeble attempt to woo me... to bring them back to life. What happens then? When the fish die? What happens? I guess I will see...I do feel like that "fish out of water" at times as well. Hmmm. Not just saving them, but saving me..a metaphor... I am the fish.

Stacy