Tired Girl

So you want to hear my dream last night? Well I'm going to tell you anyway. We have this fish tank. It has fish in it as all fish tanks do, but you can't see them very well, because the water is murky, because of the type of fish, I guess it is supposed to be that way.

I'm not sure that is what my son tells me anyway, kind of like it's own ecosystem. What ever that means.

Ok to the dream then. So, I was, no joke, standing on the edge of a pool of clear water a little area by the beach much like a tide pool. There were fish in there, I could see them clearly, they were looking for something. I was on a walk way and I was watching the fish, I noticed another pool, made of lava rock, within that pool was a huge gold fish, happily swimming. I turned my attention to the clear pool and stared at the numerous fish, who still seemed like they were looking for something. To my surprise the fish started jumping out of the water and I was not throwing them back in, like one would think right? No...I was running from one fish to the next sticking a hose in their mouths to basically bring them back to life. They would actually inflate and start feeling alive again, then I would run to the next fish and do the same thing, only to run to another and back again and keep bringing them all back to life.

I would feel good to do that, but then worry about the other fish. It was CRAZY.

Hmmmmmmm..... a metaphor for my life. Yep. And a damn good one at that. It amazes me to see how my life really mirrors the dream. I am going from one struggle to the next to the next, and putting enough water in it to bring it back to life, and then only to see that it is all dried up and have to go back to water it again.

I loved it. This dream. I woke up and loved it. Of course I am one to sit down and pontificate on the meaning, and It was basically crystal clear. I'm tired. I'm tired of being everything to everyone, but basically being nothing to anyone. I'm tired of being tired. I'm struggling sometimes emotionally, because I'm the only one who can take care of me, my emotional state. The whole package. Is a good one, but I don't even want to be a package right now. I want to be a part of something bigger than life, and I don't want to be history, I want to make history.

But then......I don't. I have so many aspirations, but then I think why? I love helping people, and being a part of that has helped me.

You also know what I think is crazy. After being sick, and on the road to getting better, I now have all of the talking with my insurance company constantly. Getting the doctors paid, making sure they are paid in network, not out of network. Making sure that the bills are getting paid by the insurance companies, and then working with the hospitals, 2 separate hospitals, 3 separate doctors who I see all the time, as well as the 4 separate anesthesiologists that bill for their services. It's literally crazy. I am my own case manager actually. So I am working with the doctors offices, the hospitals, the radiologists, the anesthesiologists to get all of my doctor's bills together.

I spoke with one of my doctor's offices today, and let them know that the insurance company is going to re-pay the claims for my case because they paid them out of network. Argh.. so I only owe him a small fortune, not a fortune..LOL.

So anyway..back to the fish to fish. Yes, I am constantly running from fish to fish, and I am thinking that maybe I should just stop and let them die, because I know if I actually attempt to put them back into the water...they will only jump out and land at my feet with their feeble attempt to woo me... to bring them back to life. What happens then? When the fish die? What happens? I guess I will see...I do feel like that "fish out of water" at times as well. Hmmm. Not just saving them, but saving me..a metaphor... I am the fish.

Stacy