Tired Girl

Ok.... had the biopsy and the MRI yesterday...lying in bed, relaxing today, with my Roo and YoYo!

All feeling a bit under the weather. The biopsy/mri was not fun... and thankfully it was more of an open MRI..so not so closed, but what amazed me is that they did the surgery right there in the MRI room.. just put his little tray of instruments right up along side of me and sat there and did the biopsy.

One thing that I thought was kind of neat is that while I was laying on my stomach for an hour, they had my boobies in this contraption. Ok so laying on my tummy put my breasts in the holes, and then the right one was compressed with this grid like thingie. So when they put me in the MRI machine, it made the images with a grid like pattern. This is so the physician could see which quadrant the doctor had to drill into to get the sample of "suspicious" tissue.

The IV was good, they only had to stick me 2 times, the drugs were ok as well, took the pain away not too groggy. While he was actually starting the biopsy, he started to inject me with Lidocaine. He used a total of 40mg when he ws all said and done. The thing that I really didn't like was the drill like thing.... he was cutting on the breast just a small incision, then this drill was going into my breast, and he says tell me if it hurts, and IT DID.... then he would stop and more Lidocaine..then again, but he was very nice. I was crying, and listening to country music on the headphones...the song that was on was Lonestar, From My Front Porch Looking in. I will forever relate that song to this procedure.

I kept on having to go in and out of the MRI machine for more pictures, then out for more surgical fun, then back again. I couldn't move because I couldn't move the right breast that was in the grid. It was horrible. An my arms were strapped to my sides so i couldn't even scratch my nose, or wipe my tears or nose.... I had to ask the nurse to do it for me..they always were asking me.."are you ok" what am I going to say? NO Get me the heck out of here? They already told me if I move, they can not finish the test because they can only inject me with the G-Contrast only once in a week or something like that. So that made me want to just suck it up and not move.

Anyway after all of that, they took me down to Mammo and had to give me a mammogram of the right breast, just to make sure that the clips they inserted were in the right spot. To me that was crazy, because I just had surgery and yes squeezing the breast after that, hurt, and of course bled.

Wonderful. Almost Barbaric, I would say. If this happens when I am awake, I can only wonder what happened the first time when I had my mastectomy.

Well I got home, and slept until early evening since the whole ordeal started at 10am I slept until 6pm...then had a bit of dinner. Then back to sleep...

So today, I am sore, and sick to my stomach... it bothers me alot actually.

And that is it.. I am not knowing anything about the results yet. I will let you know...

Stacy

Well, it is Monday morning on December 29th....and today I will go for yet another wonderful biopsy, and MRI...needles, contrast the whole shebang!

But I do believe that it will be ok. If it is the dreaded C again..lets hope it is a Second Primary...not mets.

But again I think that I am dreading the test more than the outcome actually! Funny how that happens.

Had one of my brother's friend call me Heather, what a sweetheart, she talked to me in the beginning way back in April. I will ring her back tomorrow probably.

Well 2008 has been a year of major highs and lows, but I do know for sure, that I am a different person than I was back in April, and May...before my surgery. I feel much less tolerant of the "stuff" in my life, ok maybe I shouldn't say tolerant, I should say more not sweating the small stuff. I appreciate much more my close family and friends, and I really will not allow any kind of stress in my life. Whether that be a person, or a job, or anything. I just need to let it all go, because it is that very thought of holding on to stress, holding on to arguments, pain, fear, that to made me in a weaker emotional state and contributed to everything that was in 2008.

My goal for this coming year, is to stay healthy, mind, body and soul. To surround me with people that are loving and caring and giving and thankful...I want to be in a healthy mind, body, spirit environment. This is my choice. I choose to surround myself with this to feed my spirit, and my health. I will not surround myself with anything else. No chaos, no stress, no fear, no arguments, just love and faith.

Sounds crazee huh? But honestly, yes there will be times when I am under stress, yes everyone gets there, but when it comes down to the core...I can still see my flame...steady and know that I am at peace.

Talk to you more soon......

Lying here in bed, it's really quiet except for the whirr of the computer, and Lola snoring. The Picture above is of my Cousins..my first cousins...who I love with all of my heart! It's Sunday morning. Today we are going shopping once again and then wrapping up some gifts later I would presume. Then after Christmas..and Hanukkah is January and my cousins Wedding. The wedding shower, is in a couple of weeks. I think about my family, and I love everyone.

I am Jewish. I married a Catholic. My children are Catholic by baptism, but Jewish by blood, it goes by the mother. Well my Aunt...my mother's sister married a Muslim.
So we have Jewish, Catholic and Islam all within our family. I think that is amazing. My first cousins are practicing Islam, the religion of Muslims. In the Jewish faith, the blood line is passed down from the mother, in the Muslim faith it is the father. So my beautiful first cousins are Muslim.

I am so intrigued with the faith, with all faiths actually. The common thread is God, Allah, Adonai, or many other names that Judaism may refer to as "God".

I listen to the stories my Uncle tells within the Qur'an. The Qur'an is the central religious text of Islam. He told me about how God took the earth from all over the world and created man. How, from that different colored earth man was made, which would help us to understand why we come in so many colors, and there are many differences in how we look. He told me of the many prophets within, Noah, Jesus, Mohammad. Muslims believe in only one God, which translated from Arabic is Allah. They believe in only one God, and Mohammad is his messenger. The Qur'an describes many Biblical prophets and messengers as Muslim: Adam, Noah (Arabic: Nuh), Moses (Arabic: Mūsā) and Jesus (Arabic: ˤĪsā) and his apostles. The Qur'ān states that these men were Muslims because they submitted to God, preached his message and upheld his values. Thus, in Surah 3:52 of the Qur'ān, Jesus’ disciples tell Jesus, "We believe in God; and you be our witness that we submit and obey (wa ashahadu bil-muslimūna)."

I talk with him in great detail about Judaism. Judaism presents itself as the covenential relationship between the Children of Israel (later, the Jewish nation) and God. As such, many consider it the first monotheistic religion although many aspects of Judaism correspond to Western concepts of ethics and civil law. Judaism is among the oldest religious traditions still being practised today, and many of its texts and traditions are central to other Abrahamic religions. As such, Jewish history and the principles and ethics of Judaism have influenced various other religions, including Christianity and Islam.

Followers of Judaism are called Jews, and while Judaism is open to converts, the Jewish collective is regarded as an ethno-religious group, for reasons derived from the sacred texts that define them as a nation, rather than followers of a faith. In 2007, the world Jewish population was estimated at 13.2 million people, 41% of whom lived in Israel.

In modern Judaism, central authority is not vested in any single person or body, but in sacred texts, religious law, and learned Rabbis who interpret those texts and laws. According to Jewish tradition, Judaism begins with the Covenant between God and Abraham (ca. 2000 BCE), the patriarch and progenitor of the Jewish nation. Throughout the ages, Judaism has adhered to a number of religious principles, the most important of which is the belief in a single, omniscient, omnipotent, benevolent, transcendent God, who created the universe and continues to govern it. According to Jewish tradition, the God who created the world established a covenant with the Israelites and their descendants, and revealed his laws and commandments to Moses on Mount Sinai in the form of both the Written and Oral Torah. Judaism has traditionally valued Torah study and the observance of the commandments recorded in the Torah and as expounded in the Talmud.

So one of the differences between the Religions of Judaism, Islam, and Christianity is that the Jews believe that they have been regarded as an ethno-religious group. This defines followers of Judaism as nation, not a follower of faith. In Islam, the prophet Mohammad was the interpreter of the word of God. In Christianity it is Christ, who spoke the word of God. Historically, Judaism has considered belief in the divine revelation and acceptance of the Written and Oral Torah as its fundamental core belief, but Judaism does not have a centralized authority dictating religious dogma.

Christianity (from the word Xριστός "Christ") is a monotheistic religion centered on the life and teachings of Jesus as presented in the New Testament. Its followers, known as Christians, believe that Jesus is the only begotten Son of God and the Messiah (Christ) prophesied in the Hebrew Bible (the part of scripture common to Christianity and Judaism). To Christians, Jesus Christ is a teacher, the model of a virtuous life, the revealer of God, as well as an incarnation of God, and most importantly the savior of humanity who suffered, died, and was resurrected to bring about salvation from sin. Christians maintain that Jesus ascended into heaven, and most denominations teach that Jesus will return to judge the living and the dead, granting everlasting life to his followers. Christians call the message of Jesus Christ the Gospel ("good news") and hence label the written accounts of his ministry as gospels.

Like Judaism and Islam, Christianity is classified as an Abrahamic religion. Christianity began as a Jewish sect in the eastern Mediterranean, quickly grew in size and influence over a few decades, and by the 4th century had become the dominant religion within the Roman Empire. During the Middle Ages, most of the remainder of Europe was christianized, with Christians also being a (sometimes large) religious minority in the Middle East, North Africa, and parts of India. Following the Age of Discovery, through missionary work and colonization, Christianity spread to the Americas and the rest of the world.

Christianity has played a prominent role in the shaping of Western civilization at least since the 4th century. As of the early 21st century, Christianity has between 1.5 billion and 2.1 billion adherents, representing about a quarter to a third of the world's population.

So what does this have to do with Breast Cancer? Well, I am Jewish by blood. I do not know if my ancestors were Ashkenazi Jews. Ashkenazi Jews have a higher breast cancer rate. They are genetically different. Their DNA is different...Both the extent and location of the maternal ancestral deme from which the Ashkenazi Jewry arose remain obscure. Using complete sequences of the maternally inherited mitochondrial DNA, it shows that close to one-half of Ashkenazi Jews, estimated at 8,000,000 people, can be traced back to only four women carrying distinct mtDNAs that are virtually absent in other populations, with the important exception of low frequencies among non-Ashkenazi Jews. We conclude that four founding mtDNAs, likely of Near Eastern ancestry, underwent major expansion(s) in Europe within the past millennium.

Although in the 11th century they comprised only 3% of the world's Jewish population, Ashkenazi Jews accounted for (at their highest) 92% of the world's Jews in 1931 and today make up approximately 80% of Jews worldwide. Most Jewish communities with extended histories in Europe are Ashkenazim, with the exception of those associated with the Mediterranean region. The majority of the Jews who migrated from Europe to other continents in the past two centuries are Ashkenazim, Eastern Ashkenazim in particular. This is especially true in the United States, where 6 out of the 7 million American Jewish population — the largest Jewish population in the world when consistent statistical parameters are used— is Ashkenazi, representing the world's single largest concentration of Ashkenazim.

That was one of the first questions my oncologist asked me? Are you Ashkenazi? I didn't know the answer. I may never know the answer. I know my family was from Germany....German Jews...before that...I don't know..

Specific abnormalities in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes are more commonly found in Ashkenazi Jewish women. Ashkenazi Jews have ancestors from Central or Eastern Europe.

About 1 in 40 Ashkenazi Jews — with or without breast cancer — has a genetic mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2. In one study of more than 5,300 Ashkenazi Jewish men and women (New England Journal of Medicine, May 15, 1997), 120 people (2.3%) had one of the three specific abnormalities in BRCA1 and BRCA2 known to be associated with a higher risk of breast cancer.

A more recent study (Journal of the American Medical Association, December 26, 2007) of more than 3,000 women diagnosed with breast cancer looked at the risk of abnormal BRCA1 genes in different ethnicities. The results showed:

8.3% of Ashkenazi Jewish women had an abnormal BRCA1 gene.

So I could be of Ashkenazi decent, and I probably am. I probably won't get the genetic testing for the BRCA1. Then my insurance company can be sticky with me...

So in my life, my faith, my family....I have so much. So much to be thankful for...so much to be amazed by..and so much religion surrounding me..that all leads to just one source.... GOD...

LTA,

Stacy

Well it's another day in Paradise...

Ya know I just figured out how to add a video, to my blog..that is why I have two in a row... Funny huh?

Went to the doctor last night my Oncologist, who was so sweet as always. He apologized to me about the mix up on which breast had the issue in it.

He did say it was more closer to the surface, so that makes me feel so much better, because of the recent cosmetic changes to that breast.

But we have to make sure, so I will go and see my Surgeon on Monday late morning.

Ok so today is the xmas shopping day....still a few more things to get.

Off I go....

Stacy

This is a movie made by my mom here in Las Vegas, Yes...it's Las Vegas! Snow storm December 17th 2008!

I love this movie, one of my most favorites ever....

The song is the most beautiful...listen to the words...really listen..

Spend All Your Time Waiting For That Second Chance
for The Break That Will Make It Ok
there's Always Some Reason To Feel “not Good Enough”
and It's Hard At The End Of The Day
i Need Some Distraction, Oh Beautiful Release
memories Seep From My Veins
they May Be Empty And Weightless, And Maybe
i'll Find Some Peace Tonight

in The Arms Of An Angel, Fly Away From Here
from This Dark, Cold Hotel Room, And The Endlessness That You Fear
you Are Pulled From The Wreckage Of Your Silent Reverie
you're In The Arms Of An Angel; May You Find Some Comfort Here

So Tired Of The Straight Line, And Everywhere You Turn
there's Vultures And Thieves At Your Back
the Storm Keeps On Twisting, You Keep On Building The Lies
that You Make Up For All That You Lack
it Don't Make No Difference, Escaping One Last Time
it's Easier To Believe
in This Sweet Madness, Oh This Glorious Sadness
that Brings Me To My Knees

In The Arms Of An Angel, Far Away From Here
from This Dark, Cold Hotel Room, And The Endlessness That You Fear
you Are Pulled From The Wreckage Of Your Silent Reverie
in The Arms Of An Angel; May You Find Some Comfort Here

Stacy

You live in a world of illusions. A world that springs from a much deeper and far greater reality. And while at times the illusions are indeed ugly, with your physical senses you only see the tip of the iceberg. If you could see the whole, you'd discover that the unpleasantness was only the tiniest piece of a most spectacular puzzle that was created with order, intelligence, and absolute love. You'd see that contrary to appearances, in the grandest scheme of things, nothing is ever lost, no one becomes less, and setbacks are always temporary. And you'd understand that no matter what has happened, everyone lives again, everyone laughs again, and everyone loves again, even more richly than before.

The Universe....

Ok..........Rewind!

Well I just got in from my trip, and it's snowing, and snowing hard.

But that is not why I am writing. I picked up MRI films and report. Guess what, I'm a bit angry at my doctor. My oncologist. He told me all about my "new suspicious" image, and he was talking the whole time about my left breast, the one with the mastectomy. I can see now with the films, the area, but they say it is normal.

Guess what...reading the report it isn't my LEFT BREAST it is in my RIGHT BREAST..the perfect pretty one. NICE HUH! I just can't believe this. This is what the report says:

On the right, there has been interval development of a few very small areas of nodular enhancement. These measure 4x 2mm with an adjacent 2m area of enhancement. these lie in the inferior RIGHT breast at approximately the 6 o'clock position, 7.5 from the center. The enhancement patter is rapid but persistent. Given the interval development as well as the history of DCIS which demonstrated a similar pattern of enhancement on the previous MRI, I would consider follow up with a biopsy to exclude underlying malignancy or developing DCIS.

WOW...So now Round Two.......FIGHT! So I have an appointment with the doctor again, my surgeon on Monday. Then an MRI guided biopsy and the results will be GOOD. I am going to believe this. If it is DCIS..then we deal with it. If it is another occurrence of Breast Cancer...then it has spread. NOT GOOD. But we will have to be hopeful and think that everything will be alright.

The things I go through....

Well, Well, Well........Leave Demi, and come punk me Ashton! Yea, I'm waiting for the camera's...again. Why...well got off of the phone with my doctor, my oncologist to get my results for my MRI. The MRI I had last week. Ok, now so when you have a mastectomy, they actually take your breast tissue out right? Isn't that what a mastectomy is? Let's look it up on Wiki....(dontcha love wiki)different mastectomy's according to Wiki.

Modified radical mastectomy: The entire breast tissue is removed along with the axillary contents (fatty tissue and lymph nodes). In contrast to a radical mastectomy, the pectoral muscles are spared. NOPE NOT ME


Radical mastectomy (or "Halsted mastectomy"): First performed in 1882, this procedure involves removing the entire breast, the axillary lymph nodes, and the pectoralis major and minor muscles behind the breast. This procedure is more disfiguring than a modified radical mastectomy and provides no survival benefit for most tumors. This operation is now reserved for tumors involving the pectoralis major muscle or recurrent breast cancer involving the chest wall. NOPE NOT ME

Skin-sparing mastectomy: In this surgery, the breast tissue is removed through a conservative incision made around the areola (the dark part surrounding the nipple). The increased amount of skin preserved as compared to traditional mastectomy resections serves to facilitate breast reconstruction procedures. Patients with cancers that involve the skin, such as inflammatory cancer, are not candidates for skin-sparing mastectomy. YEP ME!

Subcutaneous mastectomy: Breast tissue is removed, but the nipple-areola complex is preserved. This procedure was historically done only prophylactically or with mastectomy for benign disease over fear of increased cancer development in retained areolar ductal tissue. Recent series suggest that it may be an oncologically sound procedure for tumors not in the subareolar position. YEP ME!

Simple mastectomy (or "total mastectomy"): In this procedure, the entire breast tissue is removed, but axillary contents are undisturbed. Sometimes the "sentinel lymph node"--that is, the first axillary lymph node that the would be expected to drain into--is removed. This surgery is sometimes done bilaterally (on both breasts) on patients who wish to undergo mastectomy as a cancer-preventative measure. Patients who undergo simple mastectomy can usually leave the hospital after a brief stay. Frequently, a drainage tube is inserted during surgery in their chest and attached to a small suction device to remove subcutaneous fluid. These are usually removed several days after surgery as drainage decrease to less than 20-30 ml per day. YEP ME, but not bilateral.

So I had a Simple, Subcutaneous, Skin-Sparing Mastectomy. Well in this process, they remove all of the breast tissue right, then in reconstruction they put in an implant, and Presto! a new boobie. Well, in talking with my Oncologist this evening, and by the way I am in a hotel room, 3000 miles away from home, of course, and he told me that there was something that showed up on the MRI. Something "suspicious". NICE---WONDERFUL---In the same breast that had the Simple, Subcutaneous, Skin-Sparing Mastectomy. How is that possible? I pondered this out loud, while I screamed inside?
He told me it is probably scar tissue, but I have to make an appointment with my Breast Surgeon, Anabella B. M.D. tomorrow. So I have my BFF getting up and calling NVCI to get my MRI films printed up, then she is calling Dr. B to make my appointment
to schedule which will be my .......hmmmm let me see the 5th surgery. Well we will take it one step at a time, and take a deep breath and let it all go.

Because this is my life, this is my reality, and once again I will be ok...

You sure I'm not getting punk'd? For those of you who don't know what Punk'd is: (Again thank you Wikipedia)

Punk'd was an American hidden camera practical joke television series on MTV, produced and hosted by Ashton Kutcher, which first aired in 2003. It bears a strong resemblance to both the classic hidden camera show Candid Camera, and to TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes, which also featured pranks on celebrities. Being "Punk'd" refers to having such a prank played on oneself, and to "punk someone" refers to making someone else the victim of the show's style of prank itself.

Ok so I'm going to bed, I have to get up in 4 hours to go to the airport, and fly home...

This is day 237.......

Love to all...Stacy

I was talking with my brother, who recently told me that he has decided to become a vegan. Why? He was driving down the street, and he passed a truck, with crates stuffed full of chickens, with feathers flying out, and at that moment, he decided nope...no more chicken. Nothing with Fur of Feathers, fur and feather free.

What about the chicken in the middle?? He asked me...I thought for a minute, and I felt sad. I thought wow, the other day in my MRI, I had to go into a tunnel, get pictures taken of my boobies, and basically freaked out. I had to get my IV port access-which is usually a nightmare, but not at NVCI..they are the pro port people. First stick and BAM they got it... Then downstairs to the machine. I had to be pulled out, because I was basically that chicken in the middle. Above my face, about an inch above my face, was the MRI machine..so I closed my eyes...and beside me..my arms were basically squished..hmmm. Enough I said. With tears streaming down my face, I had the little squeezie thingie in my had to let them know if I was having a hard time.

Well I squeezed it. Hard. They pulled me out. We called upstairs to the doctor, and within 5 minutes they were down with me injecting my IV with a nice and happy drug. So I could relax. Back to being the chicken in the middle. This time I was on my tummy..and I had to lay face down, which at this point I was just ready to get it done. I need to ask the makers of MRI machines did they ever think of comfort, or they actually thought, hey it's all about getting the pictures, even if it is uncomfortable.

So honestly when you are in the MRI machine, all of you from Head to toe it is so loud. And then you swear the the machine is talking to you. You actually hear words coming from the machines, incessant chatter. So we have this flight or fight response built into us, right? We hear a siren, and we feel a rush of adreneline, we hear a loud noise and our first response is to look where it is coming from, assess if it is a danger, and then move away from the sound, quickly because it is a natural thing to do. Well, being in the tube, the chicken in the middle, you can't move. I mean you can't even breathe deep, just shallow breaths, and you lay there with this horrible loud noise that is pounding at your heart, your mind, your body, your soul. You want to run, and get away, but you can't.

So you just endure 45 minutes of being the chicken in the middle...just to see if I will get the "all clear" from my Doc's. Well I haven't heard from them yet..called him and left a message. I will hear from him tomorrow I do think!

So back to my brother being a vegan. I can understand his thoughts, about the chicken in the middle of the caged coups on the back of a truck going to the market for slaughter. The poor chickens do feel pain, they are probably scared, and that would then be released into their meat which we eat. The fear, the antibiotics, the stress. We are eating it all. We eat the stress, the fear and what does that do to us. Well, honestly we probably will never know...but guess what??? It makes you think twice before you buy that nice looking packaged chicken at the market. What are we eating? What kind of stress are we eating, antibiotics, and fear?

I just think that what he decided today is brave, and I love it. Could I do it. You bet your sweet A** I could. You are what you eat...they say... So I would rather not be that chicken in the middle...stressed, full of fear..scared...

I want to be free..I want to be me.....

Stacy

Well it is that time again... I am scheduled for my follow up MRI. This is the Breast Cone MRI with Contrast. I'm good with it, I'm actually 2 months late, but I was a little busy with my surgeries the past few months. I'm wonderfully happy about how everything turned out, only because I really don't have a choice but to be happy because I won't do another surgery. Done!

Funny story...called to schedule the MRI, but it wasn't ordered by my Oncologist yet. So they transfered me up to his nurse. While I listened to her voice mail message, (the poor dear) I was looking around my desk for some sharp object to jab into my eyes...it would have been less painful. Her message was very slow, like it was on the S-L-O-W motion tour! Me with my ADD, I was literally in another planet on her second sentence....so what do you think I did? Yea, I hung up. Promptly emailed my doctor: ORDER MY MRI...I WANT MY MRI... that was the subject line of the email, the body of the email...was funny basically telling him that his nurses voice put me in a state of frenzy...

Well doing my MRI and hopefully everything comes out clean... and picture perfect.

I do believe it will... I will keep you posted of course!

Ok... I'm busy doing all kinds of stuff...so I will go now... talk to you later!

Stacy

So you want to hear my dream last night? Well I'm going to tell you anyway. We have this fish tank. It has fish in it as all fish tanks do, but you can't see them very well, because the water is murky, because of the type of fish, I guess it is supposed to be that way.

I'm not sure that is what my son tells me anyway, kind of like it's own ecosystem. What ever that means.

Ok to the dream then. So, I was, no joke, standing on the edge of a pool of clear water a little area by the beach much like a tide pool. There were fish in there, I could see them clearly, they were looking for something. I was on a walk way and I was watching the fish, I noticed another pool, made of lava rock, within that pool was a huge gold fish, happily swimming. I turned my attention to the clear pool and stared at the numerous fish, who still seemed like they were looking for something. To my surprise the fish started jumping out of the water and I was not throwing them back in, like one would think right? No...I was running from one fish to the next sticking a hose in their mouths to basically bring them back to life. They would actually inflate and start feeling alive again, then I would run to the next fish and do the same thing, only to run to another and back again and keep bringing them all back to life.

I would feel good to do that, but then worry about the other fish. It was CRAZY.

Hmmmmmmm..... a metaphor for my life. Yep. And a damn good one at that. It amazes me to see how my life really mirrors the dream. I am going from one struggle to the next to the next, and putting enough water in it to bring it back to life, and then only to see that it is all dried up and have to go back to water it again.

I loved it. This dream. I woke up and loved it. Of course I am one to sit down and pontificate on the meaning, and It was basically crystal clear. I'm tired. I'm tired of being everything to everyone, but basically being nothing to anyone. I'm tired of being tired. I'm struggling sometimes emotionally, because I'm the only one who can take care of me, my emotional state. The whole package. Is a good one, but I don't even want to be a package right now. I want to be a part of something bigger than life, and I don't want to be history, I want to make history.

But then......I don't. I have so many aspirations, but then I think why? I love helping people, and being a part of that has helped me.

You also know what I think is crazy. After being sick, and on the road to getting better, I now have all of the talking with my insurance company constantly. Getting the doctors paid, making sure they are paid in network, not out of network. Making sure that the bills are getting paid by the insurance companies, and then working with the hospitals, 2 separate hospitals, 3 separate doctors who I see all the time, as well as the 4 separate anesthesiologists that bill for their services. It's literally crazy. I am my own case manager actually. So I am working with the doctors offices, the hospitals, the radiologists, the anesthesiologists to get all of my doctor's bills together.

I spoke with one of my doctor's offices today, and let them know that the insurance company is going to re-pay the claims for my case because they paid them out of network. Argh.. so I only owe him a small fortune, not a fortune..LOL.

So anyway..back to the fish to fish. Yes, I am constantly running from fish to fish, and I am thinking that maybe I should just stop and let them die, because I know if I actually attempt to put them back into the water...they will only jump out and land at my feet with their feeble attempt to woo me... to bring them back to life. What happens then? When the fish die? What happens? I guess I will see...I do feel like that "fish out of water" at times as well. Hmmm. Not just saving them, but saving me..a metaphor... I am the fish.

Stacy

I don't know... if we each have a destiny or we're all just floating accidental like on a breeze, I think maybe it's both....maybe both happening at the same time.

Forrest Gump

Ok so I didn't want to wait until tomorrow to talk about all that is happening today.

This morning uneventful, got up with Ray, and got her a quick kiss before she was off to school, oh my gosh it is 10:34 two hours late for my shot....nice huh...Long pause as I take my shot... Ok back!

So what has been going on this week besides my surgery, and a big fight on TV tomorrow night Lesner vs. Couture... I am putting together a photo shoot for a Calendar that Fight Pink is creating. It is called "Faith and Inspiration" Surviving Mothers of Breast Cancer. So the shoot will be in my home, we have our amazing photographer, Edison Graff taking the pictures, he will be setting up a studio here in the early morning, and we will be having a make up artist or two from MAC to be here, and 12 women and thier children. We have women who are breast cancer survivors, as well as their mothers being survivors, and their children being here as well. I am so excited about this project, and the women are so amazing!

Nevada Cancer Institute is helping us by supplying the women for the Calendar, and we will be donating a portion of the proceedes to NVCI! So that is so exciting his is on the 22nd. I am helping a friend with a CV, working on the supply chain business, setting appointments for the photoshoot, working on the calendar set up with Dennis, and all the while I feel, (and Christina I'm stealing this one from you) like a big gummed up ball of mess under the table waiting for someone to just come and scrape me off!

I love that.... I wish I could just relax and read, and just sit...but if I do.. I go crazee.....crazier than i normally am. I must do something with my mind. No, and I don't mean drug it to relax.. I mean I have to be thinking and dreaming and planning and doing. I spoke to my Dad last evening, and he said to me...and I think maybe it was a complement: " It's funny, you do things." Ok....I said... he was like, "you decide on doing something, and you make it happen." Like the calendar project. I guess, isn't that how life is though. You make decisions, or choices...and do it. Hmmm.. I would think so.

Berto just came in and layed with me here...how sweet, and just informed me of his plans for his life. He wants to be a pharmacist. Why a Pharmacist? He says he wants to do it, he is going to create a goal chart, and he wants to have a new truck next year, and he will graduate in March...then he wants to go to Paramedic School, starting in the summer!

Ok my dad is coming over to bring me lunch, how sweet. I have been on the phone, and now I am going to take a shower...and then finish up the Fight Pink confirmation of everything for the Photo shoot...

Talk later..

Hello my family and friends....

I sit here typing and feeling much better so here is how my surgery went:

It went well.

LOL....ok details

Why did we have this LAST surgery, well the reconstruction process is a bit longer than I thought in the beginning which was hmmmm....May. 6 months. I actually am done with surgeries on the boobie. I'm tired of surgery.

I really don't think that this is going to be a funny post, I just got off of the phone with Lori, and we were laughing, laughing about her "sale"...she has an 80% off sale of her expectations for men... Someone who laughs, I guess is "expecting too much" she was told, so she has lowered her expectations. Anyway... we were laughin about that.

Love the drive thru have I told you that lately? What a great invention, you don't have to get out of the car, you just sit and speak to a box, (with the exception of McDonalds who offers "face to face" service") and you ever notice that Starbucks have a camera at their drive-thru's...they do, next time take a look and smile. I am not sure how fair that is, because when you think about it being on the other side of a camera and the person being filmed does not know it, many funnny and strange things I am sure they see. Anyway. Back to Drive-thru's. So you have your drive thru Dry cleaners, your Drive thru ATM's and Banks, your drive thru coffee places, your drive thru fast food, and even drive thru movie, and markets!

My favorite drive thru though has to be drive thru surgery. Now I wonder and this is me thinking out loud, do they (they meaning insurance companies) want you out of the hospital quicker because: A- Less money to pay out for staying the night after a procedure or B- Less money to pay out for staying the night after a procedure, and the increased RISK of catching some ungodly infection like MERSA? I'm thinking they would rather get you out to save money, but also because they would rather you be in your own home setting where your body is used to the germs in your own home, and your risk of infection probably is 80% (no scientific study here) lessened in your own home.

So...when I had my Drive-thru this past week, while I was being questioned by the nurse before surgery:

Nurse:
"Do you feel safe in my home environment?"

Stacy:
"Yes, with a cast iron frying pan in my hand."

She looked at me with a smirk.

Nurse:
"Do you feel safe in your home?

Stacy:

"Yes" I said, so she could get on with the survey... she checked her little box and went onto the next question.

Nurse:
"Do you ever think of hurting yourself?"

Stacy:
I answered, "When I'm perched on my hot tile roof with the pigeons we discuss this in detail." So my answer was Yes!

(she politely looked around and whispered to me)

Nurse:
"You can't say that, Dr. Earl frowns on doing surgery on pre-suicidal patients",

So she asked me again with a straight face,

Nurse:

"Do you ever think of hurting yourself?"

Stacy:

"Are you asking me to lie, ohhhhhh I get it now... No...never ever, not even once, not even this morning on my way here...after my roof top discussions with the pigeons!" (I had to say goodbye, and they wished me well... see former pigeon posts if you don't get this).

So done with the questions, she was soooo happy about that... and wheeled into the op room, talked the talk with my doc, he's great, and then went to sleep... The surgery was pretty uneventful except for the fact that it lasted 2 1/2 hours instead of 1 1/2 hours and they decided not to catheterize me,(so I don't go number 1 while I am asleep) because they didn't think they would need the extra hour, and well...my body wasn't too happy with that...no thanks I don't need the panties back. I have panties that I wear to the hospital, that I would be caught dead in...in a hospital, but not out in the street. Wore hospital panties to the hospital, not my "normal" pretty everyday panties. And girls, yes you all know what I am talking about. Us women we have it covered when it comes to the panties!

(Definition of Hospital panties= Panties that you would be caught dead in, only in a Hospital setting, not ones that you would wear and get into an accident with, because those are everyday pretty panties, that you would wear, if you weren't expecting to go to the hospital. Understand..... Women get this...and are laughing, men....are skimming through this part with a puzzled look on their face, or just skipping this part all together)

Woke up and was a little wet and cold, and needed explaining why I was wet. Got the answer, asked for my clothes went to the bathroom washed up, got dressed and got into the wheel chair and wanted to go home!

Rob and Ray picked me up, (yes I actually think they went to the house while I was in surgery), remember the doctor saying, "I didn't see anyone in the waiting room", I am sure they stepped out for a snack, right at the time the doctor came out ....isn't that how it always happens. Came home, came up stairs and slept.

I don't remember much, but Rob was here and his mother came over to see how I was, and I was like hmmmm...anyway that was nice of her. Rob made hamburgers for the kids, and Boo brought one up for me for dinner, and I looked at her like: "Are you kidding me" I could barely talk, my throat was raw from being intubated, and I do remember them taking the tube out this time, and it wasn't fun. Poor Boo, she was so happy to bring me the hamburger, I smiled took a bite, as she sat plopped at the end of the bed with a big smile on her face. I tried to swallow the small bite of hamburger, which at this point was like swallowing Glass...dry throat, and sore from the tube....argh! One bite, and I was done....

Do we have any soup? Hamburger after surgery.....Hmmmm. I don't think so. Plus your body after surgery slows down quite a bit, meaning your digestive track...If I ate that whole hamburger It would have stayed in my gut for a year! No...just liquids.

I am feeling better, still a bit sick to my stomach, but I am ok. My surgery looks good, infact I am very happy with the results. I would say now, it looks good. Six weeks of wearing a bra morning, noon, and night. Lotsa, Lotsa stitches on the inside..but that is ok, my plastic surgeon is a great artist so I am lucky.

So on a scale from 1 to 10 for this episode of "Hamburger after Surgery"...straight shot in the middle. A 5. The 5 meaning not a 2 like the last surgery, and not a 100 like the 2nd surgery. This one is a 5, I can live with a 5.

So this is day 205....Wow gettin up there huh... tomorrow I will write more, about everything going on with Fight Pink, and the photo shoot, and all that!

Love u all...

Stacy

I'ts been a great weekend, had fun on Halloween and the kids had a great time too!
Been working like crazy with Catera (my supply chain consulting business) big meeting on Friday, basically scoping out the next year with the partners we are picking up! I am really looking forward to it!

Fight Pink, is keeping me us so busy, that it is basically a full time job in itself, worked all weekend. We are moving so fast, and growing so fast which is good. Our team is amazing, our marketing team is awesome and I can't thank them enough for their support! We have some events planned in the next couple of weeks, and sometimes I wish that I could just be split into 5!

Well...today is election day Looking forward to seeing who will be our next President!

Talk soon!

Hi everyone...well today is Halloween! Yea! Yesterday was a day at the doctors. I had two doctors appointments both lasting at least 2 hours.

First with the Plastic Surgeon- That was good, he is really a great doctor, so I will have my 4th and hopefully final surgery, again quick in and out...

Second with my Oncologist- That was ugh... so can not go on any drugs to supress my estrogen production. I am er pr positive so my cells actually attract the estrogen an bind with them. Nice..the drugs block the binding ability therefore so the cancer cells, or abnormal cells don't grow. I can't take it because the side effects are blood clots. So he suggested that maybe a hysterectomy, or just taking out my ovaries would work?

I'm not happy about that decision either. So hmmm... another thought that I must ponder. I'm not thinking I want to take out my ovaries! That would mean pre menopause. Goodness this is such craziness, I think that everything is like ok DONE, and I turn the corner and wow another surprise.

The medication I am taking for my neuropothy, is making everything I eat..taste yucky.. but better than having the neuropathy pain I think.

Ok so I am so excited tonight is Halloween, so Chili, which is a tradition! I will make a large batch or two..or three... Maybe Enchalada Cassarole as well. Trick or treating...and a party! I am a Gangsta...with a mens sport coat, stockings a bullet hole in my forehead, although Boo doesn't want me to have a bullet hole...I may just be a pretty Gangsta...have to have the hat...and the gun...tons of toys guns..

I will upload a picture in a few days...Yipee! Should video it and upload to Utube..we see....

Take care you most wonderful amazing people that care about me!

Stacy

I was wondering, and thinking, and I am a little distrubed right now. I was told the other day by a certain someone in my world, that I need to really get over and not complain about the whole "Breast cancer" thing. Now, I am not one to complain, really I am not. I pretty much keep my thoughts to myself, my pain to myself, I may not "act" the same... ie: Resting a bit more, or not giving a Sh*t if the house is perfectly clean... that kind of stuff. I find it incredibly insensitive that someone could say to me... you should really "get over it" basically.

Hmmm....I think I am doing pretty good for what I have been through actually. I have heard so many stories from so many women and they are all so different actually, and some so much more trying than mine etc. But to me it is all about how you take it, you know? How you handle the stresses. In my immediate famliy. My diagnosis, and further surgeries, actually doesn't mean jack! Oh another surgery, no biggie. Sometimes I'm dying inside. Why do I blog, why did I start the non profit company? To help women. Women who feel helpless. I feel helpless sometimes. I don't have the support that I would want much of the time.

Another thing that is bothering me. Doctors (sometimes). I spoke with one of mine yesterday. I asked him again about puting me on a SERM (Selective Estrogen-Receptive Modulators) he said yes you should be on it. Now.... I went through this before, I asked him If I was his sister, would he put me on this? He was like yes, but "you didn't want to be on it." So you put your trust in a physician to do what is best for you, so he told me yesterday that I should be on something. Well again I looked up my 3 choices for the SERM Drugs, and they all have side effects saying that blood clots are an issue. I can't do that. Had 2 Pulmonary Emboli so I'm out on that note.

Anyway one of the drugs specifically said that it didn't work for recurring breast cancer. Meaning it didn't stop breast cancer from recurring. Hmmm. Why take it then?
So I am not. I don't know if this will bite me in the future, but what I do know is that I need more peace and tranquility surrounding me.... I need to be able to have some arms to crawl into and feel safe, not constantly defending myself and fighting off the fear. I don't have time to constantly defend my Survivorship to others, I don't have time to sit and figure out why others are so angry with thier lives and I only want to surround myself with Joy and Peace and Tranquility.


I love talking with Survivors, I love sharing stories of hope and fears too...being able to just talk with someone who understands that once you have had cancer, even if it was Stage 0, it is cancer none the less. I like to look straight into the eyes, and see the souls of these people even if only through a photograph...yes..the eyes are the window's to the soul.

Yea, something new.... I have to check that box at the doctors offices when filling out the new patient paperwork: Medical History- High Blood Pressure...check...Heart Disease in the family....check....Cancer....check... That was a sobering moment.

The photo above...amazing huh? That is Tobias Pedersen look at his photos at http://www.mostphotos.com/Morjas

Stacy

Hey everyone,

Yea I am here....Yea it has been a while. Just been working and relaxing and another surgery again.... and back to the doctor tomorrow morning. Have to have some more tests with my oncologist as well.

So one or two more surgeries, not looking forward to it, but the sooner the better actually.

Working hard on our non profit, and it is keeping me and everyone so busy!

Working hard on my other business too! So working, resting, surgeries ya know the drill!

I love you all...thank you for always caring!

Stacy

Heyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Ya Ya Ya I know it's been a while.

Updates:

Have to have surgery again! Argh.... Some complications with the implant, it is just movin around a bit too much...and not making me a happy girl!

Dr. said that that could happen...oh well we get er' done...in about a month I guess, we haven't talked about that yet.

Oh having memory issues, repeating the same thing over and over, and forgetting things... STRESS...or too much going on, who knows..... My oncologist says he will do some further studies....

So we will see there...

Funny story:

Out front watering the lawn and rocks and cactus with Ray...and I got her all soaking wet, and she was like coming out of a pool, we were laughing so hard, and all of the sudden she puts her face in her shirt, but you can see her eyes....and she says while breathing heavy..."Luke I am your father"... I just about fell on my butt right there... I laughed so hard...it sounded just like Darth Vader....

Then she was like doing it again saying "Stacy, I am your daughter...."

Sometimes I have no idea how she comes up with these things...but God love her! Yes, sometimes I can be funny, but jeeze she is hillarious! I mean Soooooo funny.

Ok..I will write more later....

I'm doing good, busy which is good..personal life getting better! Yay!..

Brain is workin hard, body resting a bit... oh not the super blondie anymore..put some brown in my hair..boo says it makes me look younger....LOL isn't that what you say to all women when they ask "How do I look?" and I told her so....she laughed... 6 days till her fight........WOW... exciting!

Love you all..

Stacy

Well......

It's Saturday night all comfy and watching a movie with my friend Yolie, actually I think she is sleeping really. But kitty is here with me. The kids are in California with Rob, so I had the weekend to myself, and have been just doing regular stuff around the house, and went out to dinner with Lori and Yolie last night. That was nice.

I'm feeling ok physically still..healing more everyday! It's the emotional that is still getting me. I am really excited about our website for breast cancer awareness, which keeps me going so much, because I know it is already making a difference to people in thier lives. We have a myspace and we have had a lot of people contact us already to see how they can help. I love it. That makes me happy!

I got a new contract with the promise of an extension with my supply chain consulting company. I negotiated the deal last week, and was pretty happy how they responded, they have been very good with everything. I have been working but only a little bit, and they have been great about that. Funny thing, one of their team members had to undergo surgery as well, the day after me, so we were in the same boat! That should keep me busy for at least the next 6 months...so that is good.

I would like to really just do the non profit, and really make a difference. I want to work at something that is my passion, nothing brings greater happiness in life than to serve a cause greater than yourself. A wise man said that, and I believe it to be so true for me at least.

I want you all to know that I do appreciate all of the love that you all share with me, I feel it. I will say this though that for me at least, this is beginning to be harder for me than I thought. I think about people who have brain cancer, or lung cancer, or pancreas, or kidney, or prostate...it's all on the inside. It is not something that you have to see every single day. Except for the side effects of chemo, which after you are done, you're hair grows back, if you lost weight, then you gain it back. You know it is in there, and that sucks but it is not something that is a constant reminder when you look in the mirror, and what even is harder for me to understand is that breasts are a "women's beauty." That sucks. It is how society looks at it anyway. Because as I type with tears slowly falling from my eyes, I realize that no matter what, every day of this life, everyday I will be reminded of it. If it was in the lungs, I can't see the lungs. The kidney's, can't see those either. Hmmm. But the breasts, men love them, and forever I am changed and It's so hard because boobs are a part of the "intimaacy" that people share. You don't share your lungs, liver, kidneys, or your pancreas...no one wants to touch them.

So how totally unfair is breast cancer? Now I think I'm gettin mad. Now I think that I just sit back and realize that it isn't ok. It's so totally not ok. I want there to be a cure. I want not one more person in this life to go through this. I don't understand, and I thank the lord every day that I had the gift of knowing early. Early detection saves lives. Education does as well, and spreading the word.

I have survivorship stories going on our webpage in the next couple of weeks, sharing stories from other survivors. How does that help, to me it helps me understand my feelings more about this. I'm so different and sometimes I wish I wasn't...but I know I am this way for a reason. I can't be quiet. I will speak of this to my last breath...

An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I was thinking about a quote in the movie The Brave One. Jodie Foster was beaten and her boyfriend was as well and died as a result. The detective asked her "How did you pull it back together after what happened to you?" She replied, "You don't, you become someone else, a stranger." I like that, I understand that. So I feel like I am really living in 3 different worlds right now.

One with my family, kids, friends. It goes something like this: How are you? I'm doing well, thanks. Oh that's good. Conversation over, about me which is good...because we don't want to talk about any of that because it is over.

One with work. It goes something like this: Stacy we need you to take a look at blah blah blah.... and I like that because I don't have to think about anything but work...
The other work. Non Profit: I want to stand on the top of every mountain and shout out to the world...we gotta fix this! Makes me feel good

One with just me...alone..with my thoughts: How do you feel today? Well, not too sure, physically I actually feel good, hurts a bit to lay on my sides, but pillows help that. It is the emotional and sprirtual that is scary. I really have looked within to my center, my flame and keep it steady, feeding it with peace, and love. But it's hard...but would I die for it, you bet your sweet ass. Because a man who can't die for something is not fit to live....another MLK quote. As long as I spread that word, make a difference every day of my life..I will be happy. I'm going to live for quite a while yet, I know that for sure.

So I need to get to know this "stranger" as Jodie says...and understand her more.

Wow, that one was tough....

Love you all...

Stacy

Just wanted to touch base since I haven't been writing a lot in the past few weeks. I have been resting and taking care of myself to get all better and today is one week since my final op and I feel really good!

Not in much pain, physically that is, and I was talking with a friend the other day and I wondered if I would just crash. I haven't really had the time in the past few months to do any feeling sorry for me, or crying or anything like that...and I wonder if there is something a little off inside? How come I'm not mad, or angrier, or crying about all that I have been through. For God's sake I don't have a left breast anymore, but of course it looks like I do. I had this totally invasive, destructive to the physical as well as the mental and spiritual body surgery that took from me something that I have always took for granted. Boobies! Oh how many times I would say I wish they were smaller..If I could take that back now.

I just bounce around life like a pinball I think. Spinning, hurling, barely breathing yes out of control.... You know how a pinball just is slowly rolling through the game, and gets the smack from some flipper that is inflicted upon it from a push from your finger or it gets an unwanted shock from some other mechanical inflictor, slapped upside it without warning. The shiny ball rolls and it zooms really fast and it is hard to keep up with it and then it bounces really slow and you pray that it doesn't go straight down the middle to be recycled again to start all over...because the more points you rack up, the more you see that ball spinning before you...you're winning....until game over.

But what if we just continued to play and play and play that same turn and didn't get that down time, that chance to take a break and recoup? I guess we would just get tired. I'm tired now. I feel tired. I don't feel like getting out of bed somedays, but do...I feel like no one understands a bit of how I feel, and I'm screaming inside literally and I have to be strong for my kids, for me, for my life etc.

I think about how everyone in life is doing thier own thing, and just get up go to work, come home, and sometimes I think doesn't anyone really see anything? Life isn't just that...we all get so consumed with striving to make life work for us..making enough money to make more money to live a better life, and in the end one thing can take everything away from you in an instant, one accident, one illness, one flip of the flipper and game over......

I do think that I am going a bit crazee right now. I wish I had the love and support that I needed, I wish I had the understanding that I needed, I do in so many people but not in the few that I really need. My kids are exactly the same, they don't want to talk about anything. Berto on day 2 after this surgery is asking me to do his laundry! I lift up my shirt and say, just because you don't see this, doesn't mean it didn't happen. WOW..that didn't go over well. But come on, I mean I know the thought behind that one was, Mom's ok. She is just fine, she looks fine, so she is fine.

Well right now I feel anything but fine, physically yea, but emotionally no. I am this: Lucky I didn't have chemo. God forbid that would have been DONE button for me. Lucky I had the ability to choose LIFE because some women don't. Lucky that I am who I am really because I do just take things with a grain of salt usually, but this time.....I am starting to feel something different.

I almost have I don't give a sh*t attitude, because I'm tired. I'm tired of alot actually. I feel like that shiney ball that has been kicked around the pin ball board and needs that rest, and I'm not going to push the button right now to start a new game.

To me, my air that I breathe is helping others. It keeps me alive actually. Engaging others who are in need of some type of conversation. Making a difference in this world. I have to do that. I will do that. In the process, I will probably be told that I am selfish, but I am anything but that. I'm actually probably on the edge right now, just looking over this amazing scene and taking it all in...breathing deep and getting ready to push that button and start a new game.

Love to all,

Stacy

Hey everyone....

It's been two days since my final surgery and I am alive! LOL... It went really smoothly actually...got there about 55 minutes before I was to be wheeled into the operating room...(don't think they liked that) but hey...I made it..and had the family there..and Lori and Fran. Went into the back scooted my bootie on the gurney, got the IV and went into the surgery room...that is where the fun began.

I was given a little cocktail of some sort of drugs, and whoa I was wasted in like a second, and I told the Doc that I was a way "cheap date" so slow up on the drugs..then I started to laugh..and that was it..both doctors and the nurse in the operating room were cracking up, and my plastic surgeon actually had to leave because he was laughing so hard.

I scooted onto the operating table still cracking up and making all kinds of jokes, because I was so funny and wasted...and then came the mask over my face..and my Doc just held my hand and I looked at him until I saw 4 of him and that was it...slow deep breaths...GONE...

Woke up and I remember asking if I had "Boobies" and doc laughed and said yes..and I asked how big and he said 960ml... "Whoo...Big Boobies" I said.. and then I don't remember much more but thanking everyone and laughing again..and I wasn't even that sore..

So I went home in about 1 and a half hours after that..and I really don't remember that much..

Got to bed, and relaxed and don't remember much of the night really.

Got up in the middle of the night about 3 times to walk around..so I make sure that I get the blood flowing ya know...

I don't feel very badly...actually on a scale of 1-10 its about a 2...the other one was a 20 on the scale of 1-10. So actually pretty good...

I went to the doctor today, Lori took me still can't drive, not for a week or so...

We laughed so hard in the room waiting for the doctor to come in when he did, he is always so happy to see Lori and I because we are always laughin'.

Had another person in the room with us and again I had to ask..."You want to see my boobies"...doc just rolls his eyes...and yes the intern has to see the work...well I am used to this actually. More people have seen my boobies in this office than in the last 20 years in my life! That is the truth!

Well anyway..I am good..and I feel good and I am so happy!

Love you all...

Stacy

Hi….well I’m sitting in the front seat of a red mustang flying down the highway to our final destination which is Vegas, and of course I’m just thinking at this point my brother Sean, (bless his heart) drives like not too well…which means I’m basically white knuckled as I type…seriously he is driving talking to Ray in the back seat and eating a chicken soft taco from Del Taco, and we are doing anything but staying within the lines….I might actually vomit…but hey…life is an experience right!


We are listening to Kelly Clarkson, breakaway…..take a risk, take a chance, and breakaway…..

Had the most amazing day yesterday..got up went to Laguna main beach and walked around a bit and had lunch at this little French restaurant called C’est La Vie, had a Greek salad..Ray ordered Chicken Picata..she loves mushrooms and capers..and we just felt the ocean breeze..we were seated outside and the water line was about 100 yards from us….so beautiful.

After lunch (and Crème Brule’) we walked along the shore line…and let the water just touch our feet…it was so amazing just being….not doing anything just holding hands and laughing and watching the all different people…saw a mermaid, at least one with feet..and I asked to take a picture of her…(she was happy to pose) she had the long hair past her behind and all soft and reddish brown and just reminded me of a mermaid…she was 17 and so pretty….of course Ray, was again mortified…because you see I talk to everyone….the world is my friend!

We went to the north end of the beach and were lucky enough to find the tide was low so I wanted to show Ray where I would go all the time when I was a kid, the same beach, the same tide pools…. She hasn’t been to a tide pool not because she hasn’t been to a beach, she has been to many beaches on other continents even, but never to a tide pool, probably because always a strict schedule to follow…or someone would not want to do something, but when it is just the two of us…we can do what ever we want!

So I wanted to show her how I used to climb the rocks and search within the many tide pools for sea life and envision basically the small eco-systems. These are the same rocks and tide pools I searched as a child. I thought ok…she might get bored but I wanted to share this experience with her.

I was amazed of her curiosity! She was saying to me…”Oh Mom I love this so much”, this is so amazing to me and I could see her just glowing and so excited and her eyes just danced from tide pool to tide pool looking and so excited. She’s said to me this is what I want to do…she has always loved marine life, and dolphins and has since she was 3 years old wanted to be a veterinarian, but I let her know that there are more than just dog and cat vets…there are marine mammal vets, and she said to me, “That is what I want to do!”

So we literally were at the tide pools for 3 ½ hours, and taking pictures and I was explaining to her what barnacles were ( not the ones on my feet…no no I’m just kidding) and we saw many many sea urchins and they were all covered in shells , and some were blue, others green some white and small, some so large. I told her to touch one very gently, and when you do the close up hoping to gather food…she was so excited, and frightened at the same time, but she wanted to learn and know and feel with all of her senses….

We sat on the rocky landscape and watched the waves come up below us and just sat and listened and felt and breathed the sea air in, and it was so beautiful. She couldn’t get enough. We went around and found a tide pool that was so pretty and there was a rock laying on a sea urchin and we picked up the rock and saved it..because its lower half was a bit damaged…and she was so happy! We’ve saved it’s life she danced and danced! The picture above is Rachele's feet...I love that picture..I love feet...

We sat for a while and then my brother Sean came to join us…we stayed for about another hour..playing in the sand, and waters edge..and then decided to go and get something to eat…

We went to a little Mexican restaurant not far from the beach and sat and talked and laughed and had salsa and chips…water.. We went back to the beach house and then watched Pirates of the Caribbean at World’s Edge, one of Ray’s favorite movies….

Ok we are now pulled over on the side of the road, Ray is sick again, and the sun is beating on her in the back seat and she is about to spontaneously combust, and my mama is on the phone with her and she’s like I can’t talk right now Grama I’m about to throw up and my head is on fire from the sun…..So Sean is (all 6 feet 1 inch) crammed in the back seat, with his bad back trying to arrange the stuff into the back window so she is ok…all the while Semi-trucks are passing us and that’s scary….but I have tears streaming down my face because he’s trying to shove this (wait a min long pause- had to change cd’s) bag which has a small velvet chair and this glass object that my aunt bought me in to the back window…and I can’t even talk because I’m laughing so hard, and I’m trying to tell him as he keeps shoving the bag, and saying “what the hell’s in this bag” uhhhhhh hello it’s glass, and by now it is broken..so he takes the glass object out of the bag..oh easier to shove it in the back window now…nothing is going to stop him now…and semi trucks are still speeding by…(I’m sure were going to die any second) …well Ray is saying that uncle Sean…there is a chair in the bag…he’s like “A CHAIR” what are you talking about? He opens the bag, and indeed a chair is in there…and it won’t no matter how hard he tries. ..fit into the window…so out comes the chair…and the bag is empty…and he fixes it in the window to make sure that Ray is now no longer burning up..hat on her head, door closed....foot on the gas pedal, and we are off again….Whew…another near death experience…

Anyway…great day yesterday, and today?? Well I will let you all know when I arrive….and If you don’t hear from me…well I don’t have to explain that one do I?

Love you all!

Stacy

P.S. Made it home...

Hi....Well guess what I just finished typing this whole page and it disappeared...that makes me a bit pissy..ok so here we go again...

I guess the little blue button on the bottom that says "save now" I should hit periodically..

Ok so Ray and I are in California..we came down for a few days to just hang with the family, and Natasha my cousin is having an engagement party! So tonight we are having the party was supposed to be last night, but family from Canada on the grooms side evidently didn't think that their 6 month old baby needed a passport and they missed the plane...still don't know how that will work out...

Airport Woes! Well after getting dropped off at the airport, I decided to check in for the flight inside because at 8:15am in the morning in Vegas it is already 95 degrees and I am melting!!

So Ray and I go to the US Air ticket counter, and as I approach..I look at both lines...hmmmm..first class line 4 people...regular line 104 people...Yep were checking in at the first class counter..I can because I am a dividend miles silver preferred member...and what does that mean exactly?????? Shorter lines and board first..ok I will take it this time...

So I drag my 57 pound suitcase up to the counter, (which I don't think it is over 50 pounds..because if it is...50 Bucks!) Well I lug the b*tch on the scale and yep..57 pounds....Sh*t! Well she says as she smiles so politely..ok well it is 15$ to check your bag in...HUH? When did that start? That started July 1st. Ok I can handle the 15$ but I'm not happy about it...and no way am I paying 50$ more. So she looks at me sizing me up and down, and says just take out two pair of jeans...OHHHHH...yea two pair of my jeans weigh 7 pounds!! Are you friggin nuts? (apparently she had not had her morning starbucks!) Yea soaking wet jeans not put through the spin cycle, which by the way I didn't have in my suitcase..only dry jeans folded neatly..so I took out two pair of jeans...gave her a look, zipped up the suitcase, stood it up and low and behold..it took off 1 1/2 pounds! Not the 7 pounds that she thought. Yes, Ray is mortified at this point!

So I thought maybe it was the 7 pair of shoes I brought? So I put the suitcase down, opened it up and dug through it..and (while not even being aware of the line behind me) took out 5 pair of shoes! Zipped the suitcase up, stood it up and yea! Only 50.7 pounds...at this point I hoped she would let the .7 pounds slide because at this point I would be taking out a pair of panties...and I told her so! She said she would let the last .7 lbs slide! Whew!

So here we are carrying shoes and two pair of jeans...I had another bag with me that I had my laptop in..so not so bad..but we ran up stairs and bought an I Love Las Vegas bag..for 7.95 and shoved the jeans and shoes in there and went through the security check point....hmmmm...now which line..First Class line 4 people..regular line 104 people!

First Class..Dividend Miles holders as well so I didn't cheat! So through quickly, but what grosses me out is that you have to take your shoes off..and I am forever wearing strappy heels, so no socks...ugh! And I get all grossed out walking on the floor, and I tip toe through the metal detector, basically walking on my first two toes...and holding my breath...Ray has socks on and again is mortified! She is like "Mom not only do you look like a Barbie today, you are walking like one, and you're killin me!"

I don't care..there are thousands of germs on the floor...ugh..Oh then as we are leaving security..I left my mobile phone and my drivers license in the little bucket..and the TSA agent yells my name "STACY" and I jump out of my skin..cause I can't figure out for the life of me what I did, and I turn around and she has my ID and phone, which I would have figured out I didn't have it in like 3 more seconds, I was too busy trying to put on my shoes while balancing on two toes!

So..we run to the restroom because I had to wash my hands and wipe off my feet and then we go and wait to board the plane...

Plane ride was good...we got into California on time, Auntie picked us up...we went back to the manse an had chocolate chip pancakes! She makes the greatest Chocolate Chip pancakes. But so sweet, and I watch my sugar intake! (How boring!) Ray was soooo happy. We then went to the cliff house/beach house in Laguna, and just relaxed untill we went out to dinner at 8:30, and Ray the poor baby was car sick so we had to pull over 2 times to have her walk around before we got there!

But we got there and it was a great Mediterranean place called Open Sesame and had a nice dinner closed the place down... Grama went with us too...and Ray was pushing her all over the house in her wheel chair, and out on the sun decks too...and she wanted to pay her 5$ Rachele wouldn't take it..but then Grama was getting mad..so she took the 5$.

Anyway that was my day yesterday...slept not so good...was in a bit of pain, and Ray was all over the place!

I will write again tomorrow!

Love you all

Hi everyone!

Well just an update on what is going on.....Well I have surgery scheduled again on the 25th...it will be in the afternoon..and I will go home after..so not so crazy as last time. (Oh I thought this picture says it all....how funny is that?)

I spent a good amount of time at the Plastic Surgeons office yesterday deciding on what I want to do...Silacone or Saline...and ugh..we both decided to actually order both and he would decide when we are actually in surgery.

It is amazing how these implants are made...and the diameter and the projection and all of these specifics...I was very intrigued, and me with the thousand questions...I had to understand everything...

So I would rather have silacone which only goes up to 800ml...and saline can go to 950ml...so I am not sure what he will implant..I said again I would rather have the silacone..and now he is going to do some surgery on the other boobie as well..so instead of him leaving it alone...he wants to do something to that one as well...ugh!

Ok..so I trust him and then when I wake up I will be perfect! The surgery was scheduled on that Tuesday of that same week..but then he moved it to Friday, then he realized that he would be out of town right after that...so he moved it to the Monday of the same week...So he can see me the next day...

So important I walk...and I will be getting an injection of Lovenox before and after surgery and two times a day for 10 days after...no blood clots for me...

I let my family know yesterday when the surgery was...and so that would be on a Monday and Saturday Rob and the kids minus Amanda are going to California...she will stay home with me, and hang out..and by then I should be good anyway!

So Sean is in town from Atlanta...and we are going to dinner tonight with Rachele. Amanda will be at the gym training...and Berto..with his Dad...but with Dad and Mom and my cousins in from New Jersey so a mini family reunion! We are going to the Rio Hotel...they have a nice dinner place there so it will be fun!

Going to my oncologist Dr. Manno before that at around 4:30 or so..have to start a new medicine actually for neropathy...side effect of the surgery..it will help with the pain I have been having in my arm. It's because they removed lymphnodes so then I guess that it could cause problems with the nerves...and the lymph system. So I will know later, and he is such a good doctor..he called me during my late lunch with my family and I have an appointment with him on Friday morning, but he wants me to come into his office today end of day so we can talk and he isn't so distracted with other patients. So Rachele and I will go there first then to the dinner!

Well that is all actually, and I want to thank everyone as usual for all of your love and support and being so there for me...you so know how much I appreciate you all!

Ok..enough for now...

Love..

Stacy

Hi everyone!

Well everything is going well...so not much news to report..working on starting a non-profit company for breast cancer..but not talking about it too much, can't give everything away!

The countdown begins again...so just a few more weeks and then I will be complete again! Yea!

Well not in much of a mood to write...workin' so I will touch base soon!

Oh by the way I don't have to take any meds! So no side effects....Yipee!

Love to you all!

Stacy

Hey HI HI HI.....and guess what I had a birthday and am now 29 again....LOL..nope 42 and proud...

Right now it is 9:57 pm on Wednesday night, and I am actually supposed to be looking at these two powerpoint presentations that I am supposed to have a webx in the 7 in the morning while simultaneously looking at the web tool interface. Yea....don't think so...I'm tired...and was up this morning at 5:15 with the sun coming up and actually Buster (the pug) was in his crate yowling...so I got up..and took both dogs downstairs it was so peacefull outside and then put buster in the dog run and lola in her bed downstairs and crawled back upstairs to get all comfy in bed again, because I actualy set my alarm for 6:50...well then I heard all kinds of commotion in the dog run...and yes the dogs were playing with Buster all excited that he came into visit so early....stupid on my part.

Oh well I was up by then...day went well today worked a bit on the non-profit that I am doing with Boo and also preparing for another meeting tomorrow.. Later in the afternoon, the dogs decided to dig to China again because they heard that the Olympics are going to be there and yes...they also heard that they are not serving dog. How polite of them...well Ray and I looked out the window at the water everwhere again because of the sprinkler system being dug up and what do we see besides water mud etc. Roxy our other dog (yes we are so insaine) with this huge root in her mouth....and Ray and I were laughing so hard because she was talkin to us with her eyes: She was saying...."Look at me and my bad self, yea I dug it up, and proud of it." Now she talks with a bit of a southern drawl.. She was so proud, and it looked like a huge spider with 20 legs hanging from her mouth, and it was basically her kill, and she was sharing with us.

We laughed so hard, and I guess you have to be there but just the look on her face..so proud...When I was tuckin in Ray tonight for bed she and I were talking about it again and at the same time we both go "She was so proud" did the fist bump after that...LOL

Well tomorrow I have an appointment with my Oncologist...Dr. Phil Manno..gonna go for some more tests, and then start the dreaded yucky pills I have to take for the next 5-7 years...supposed to make you all out of sorts..let me look up the side effects hold on......(long pause)

Hot flashes -- in up to 80 percent of people
Water retention -- up to 32 percent
Nausea -- up to 26 percent
Irregular menstrual periods -- up to 25 percent
Weight loss -- up to 23 percent
Abnormal Periods -- up to 23 percent.

Other common tamoxifen side effects (occurring in 2 to 19 percent of people taking the drug) included:
Increased risk of Uterine Cancer- Yea no thanks
Bone pain- Broke a bone before that hurts
Back pain- Been there done that
Headaches - Those suck
Cough- Already a side effect of my high blood pressure meds....nice
High cholesterol (see Tamoxifen and High Cholesterol)= Great just turned 42 dad died at 42 from heart related problems
Fatigue- I'm aready a sloth..(not really)
Muscle pain- hmmmm could use a massage actually
Ovarian cysts- been there done that
Skin changes- Huh? Will I turn purple?
Blood Clots- Been there done that X 2
Infection- Where?
Indigestion or heartburn- Stocking up on Pepto Bismol
Insomnia (see Tamoxifen and Insomnia)- GREEEEEAAAATTT
Constipation or diarrhea- Do I get them both yipeee..I choose constipation on Monday and Diarrhea Tuesday..and they call Wednesday hump day...not happening
Anemia- I already glow in the dark
Weight gain (see Tamoxifen and Weight Gain)- In my bra whooooo! ..
Mood changes- God help us all!!! Do I get xanax as a kicker....?
Hair loss- Do I get to choose which body part I loose it from??
Guess what everyone...Im not taking the friggin pills, I will take my chances...

I'm crying right now....LMAO...

Love you all....talk to you after tomorrow....

Stacy...

Faith believe and wisdom....I wear them on my fingers engraved into 3 silver rings...my mantra for my life..

Have my faith tatoo...boo too and Lori and Lesley

Want a claudaugh ring....represents faith...have to get one of those soon...Ireland here I come.

Stacy

Faith believe and wisdom....I wear them on my fingers engraved into 3 silver rings...my mantra for my life..

Have my faith tatoo...boo too and Lori and Lesley

Want a claudaugh ring....represents faith...have to get one of those soon...Ireland here I come.

Stacy

Hi all...

I went to the doctor yesterday for an "exapansion"....not wanting to expand anymore actually, but he wants one more...I am already 50ml larger than the implant that they are going to replace the exander with. Can you say OUCH!... I used to be so excited to get the fill up...but now...not so much.

I only got a little of a fill up because it is like filling a water baloon and you know when you know it is full but you think just a little more...and you are hoping it doesn't break? Yea..thats me right now.

I talked to my surgeon yesterday and during surgery he attached an alloderm graft inside my chest it goes from 2 o'clock to 7 o'clock. I was wondering why my ribs below my boobie were hurting so bad...well he attached the graft to my stomach muscles right below my boobie with a running stitch (hundreds of them) about a centimeter apart all the way up. This skin was donated by a cadaver...so I have someone elses skin inside of me....good point though they wash all of the cells out of the skin before they implant them.

I asked my surgeon how in the heck did he do that? I only had an incision that is about 2 inches long and on the side of my boobie, how did he get all the way down to my stomach muscles inside to attach this graft with a running stitch even? He just smiled and said...no one has ever asked me that before, and he appreciated that i took the time to and that I appreciated his work! Of course I appreciate his work...he is an artist and still has more work to do... He was all happy and proud! Amazing actually! Well next week one more fill up...then a month or two and I have surgery to put in the silacone implant! Yea!

He says that is a day surgery, so I will be in and out and asking for fries with that! (Drive Through)

Thanks for listening,

Stacy

Today is July 5th, 2008....

It's been a while since I have written, but basically it has been more of the same. Each week I have gone for a fill, and I actually am going to take a break this week because my pectorial muscle is really really sore. Having a hard time just moving my arm up and down, sleeping...but i'm doing ok.

I honestly can not wait for all of this to be complete, but actually I've heard a saying to cherish every step to your journey because each step is a lesson that you must go through to get to where you want to be.

Denzil Washington tells his kids, "You do what you have to do, so you can do what you want to do." If you ask my kids the question: "What do you do?" They will roll there eyes and say: "You do what you have to do, so you can do what you want to do." So they got it I guess. Simple really.

Well so you wanna hear about my 4th of July???

Independence Day... Well I went to the market and got a 3foot sandwich, and all kinds of other yummy things to make. Ray and I went and the poor dear had to help me schlep the one case of water onto the cart because I still can't lift that much, and she was so cute to help me and loved every step of the grocery shopping. I on the other hand would rather lay down on the hot pavement in the middle of the street than go grocery shopping. Can't stand it! Don't mind making the food, and eating it..just don't like crusing up and down the aisles searching for processed cheese spread and finding it on the chip aisle? Wouldn't you think it would be by the cheese. Bastards! They think it is funny to put cheese on the chip aisle. It was a big block of Velveta, for the bean dip I made. I also made enchalada cassarole with chicken, and two beautiful pies!

The pies were pineapple and creamcheese in a graham cracker crust, with strawberries, bannanas, bluberries and whip cream on the top! Yes to die for! We had a large assortment of fireworks, many that were not "exactly legal" for our county...which I was not aware of until they were flying into the sky and exploding like the fireworks on New Year's eve!

Yes they were pretty, but I was not exactly that happy. One thing I found out last night is that alcohol and fire works don't mix, and some people really don't know when to stop...that is the drinking and the fireworks.

It's around 10 pm and everyone is perched out front in chairs and we even have the two dogs buster and lola out front with us. I thought it best to start to wind down and asked Chris to put Buster away in his bed upstairs. Now Chris (Amanda's B-friend)is still nursing a broken wrist with a brace, and busters bed is a little tricky to say the least to latch. Well I was out front sweeping up some of the mess when all of the sudden I hear a loud pop and lowe and behold, a bush is on fire.

Yes, and it is around 100 degrees outside and the bush is basically just kindling at this point. Now the bush is about one foot from Chris's truck, so I am yelling as I am beating the bush with the broom "chris move your truck it's on fire" he is still upstairs and hears everyone screaming..and flys down the stairs and can't even get his keys fast enough juggling them in his hands as he is running all the while...the flames are getting higher, and lickin the tree about 5feet in the air. The flames are under his truck and any minute now the gas tank will explode, and yes I am still beating the burning bush with the broom, that at this time has no bristles left because they have all melted. So I am basically beating the burning bush with a plastic stick!

What is everyone else doing? I couldn't tell you I was too engrossed in the fire that I can now see is catching the tree on fire, at any second I was going to scream call the fire department. Well.....Randy Berto's friend comes running up with the ice chest minus the beer bottles...(I guess someone took the time to take all of the beer and soda out of it before dumping it on the burning bush) and put out the flames at least to a point that we could stomp out the rest. And you know what I thought was really funny...here comes Berto with a pan full of water and dumps it on the smoldering black carcas of a bush and says "I guess I'm a little late." This is my son who wants to be a fireman....starting the fire, and then late putting it out.

I look at everyone, and basically they were all just spectators...Unbelievable. Seriously I was beating the burning bush with all of my might...standing next to a truck that was going to explode at any second and the only one who moved was Berto who went inside to get a pan full of water, and his friend Randy. Rob sat on the chair with his leg elevated because of the surgery, and I think I actually saw him eating popcorn! There were 3 other men there and they finally came around but after the flames were around 2 inches high. Disaster averted.

No...I couldn't make this up if I tried, and again I am looking for the cameras.

But wait...that is not it...Everyone decided they wanted to play basketball. With beer bottles and the trashcan. Everyone missed. So yes glass in the street, cars driving by..and our neighbors are putting together a petition to name us the HillJacks of Abalone Bay...I was inside with Ray when this was happening cleaning up the burnt embers off my clothes and looking at my singed eyebrows and making sure that the black soot would eventually come off of my white shorts...

I hear the crashing of bottles, and yes the man in the chair was leading the contest, and at this point I got the big broom not the broom which was basically a stick with melted bristles and (no I didn't hit anyone with it, although a flash of using it that way did cross my mind) and started to sweep up the street. Ray helped me, Chris helped me...the others were cleaning up the mess from all of the fireworks... The man in the chair (Rob) kept cracking open beer after beer and playing basketball....well that got very tireing on my part. So I opened another beer and asked him if he wanted it, he said yes....so I prompltly poured it over his head, and asked him if he wanted another, and before he could answer because he was wiping the beer from his face and I think drowning and actually couldn't speak at this point, gave him another beer...yes over his head.

Well he stopped drinking and playing basketball.

That my friends was day 72 of my journey through breast cancer. Sound like fun? But on a lighter note...I feel really good, and I am blessed to be alive and healthy and get to experience all the days of my life.

Stacy