Tired Girl

Hi...everyone... I'm home...I'm resting...and tired i will write you all more later...

It's all good news...

Good Morning Everyone! Well today is the day...

I will be great and I know that! Thanks for everything everyone! I appreciate all of your prayers and love!

Stacy

Well tomorrow is the day...Surgery is set for 1pm in the afternoon at Mountain View hospital.

I was thinking last night that I'm so angry and just...you know why me and blah blah blah....that lasted for about 5 minutes because it is such a negative, loathing behavior, and that is not me...

There are so many other people around 250 thousand in the same boat as me...that pink boat! Of course mine is rather large, because I have a lot of support from family and friends and it would be covered with rhinestones and sequins... Of corse this whole boat is in my head and all...Usually when I think of things like certain objects...in my head...rhinestones and shiney stuff is usually thrown in the mix. I love girly pretty things like that..so my BC boat would be pink and pretty with rhinestones.

Ok so way off track... I'm often asked why do I blog..and especially my dad doesn't get it..he is so funny, he asks me why do people write down their thoughts for other people to read, and they are so long..and actually boring sometimes? While watching a movie the other day...P.S. I Love You....which I loved by the way.. a line in the movie that Hillary Swank was saying as she was walking backwards talking to her future husband as they just met on a dirt road in Ireland with nothing but emerald green hills surrounding them:

"All I know is that if you don't figure out the something you'll will stay ordinary..it doesn't matter if it is a work of art or a taco or a pair of socks. Just create something new and there it is...and it's you.. out in the world, outside of you and you can look at it or hear it or read it or feel it and you know a little more about you, a little bit more than anyone else does."

That made perfect sense to me! It was perfect. To me, that is what IT is about. So in writing this blog or anything it is about finding out a little bit more about me each time, while sharing with the world...

It is only by living completely in this world that one learns to have...fill in the blank...faith, hope, wisdom, love, peace, life, joy, strength, pain, understanding...and journey's.

Take a look at the pretty flowers...wouldn't that be great if we had rainbow roses??

One more entry tomorrow morning...then I will be off for a couple of days...

Love you all,

Stacy

It's about 9 pm on Friday night...I'm just watching a movie with my little one had a really busy and good day today. Just watched a movie called P.S. I love you....oh wow it made me cry...I loved it! There was a great line in the movie that I couldn't help but memorize because it rang true to me...

We're so arrogant aren't we? So afraid of age we do everything we can to prevent it, we don't realize what a privledge it is to grow old with someone....someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder, or humuliate you beyond repair....

I thought that line was great!...if you think about it..basically in society everyone is so worried about their looks because it's a norm..what you look like on the outside...and few take a chance to look on the inside...The virtual "judging a book by the cover." I think that it takes so much to look beyond the cover...open the book and take time to read what is on the inside..look at the pictures take time to read line by line..page by page...chapter by chapter...

It's funny how sometimes your book takes you in a different direction, a direction than you had not chosen for your self. To me it is exciting to think about what is next not only in the lives of the ones you care about..buy what's in the next few pages, or chapters..in your life.

I think it is about being flexible as well, and taking the good with the bad. It's about change too..the more chances you give you or others to change and experiment, the more relationships become an adventure in which we would wonder what the next step may be...

The ability to be flexible and adaptable resonates within our relationships. But if we are not fexible, and do not adapt to the new...we will be stressed, irritable, hostile..and overwhelmed by a situation we do not expect, and have less mental, emotional and physical energy for expressing the best of ourselves with others.

Adapting to present reality means accepting frustration. We may not like it...but the present is the present and it is a gift. The idea is to try to accept your present reality. Because, with all its hard, unpleasant invasiveness..reality is our great teacher. To me it is amazing how reality procedes and invades our life with out even asking...proceeding wihout considering our hopes and dreams...

Sometimes reality bites...flexibility helps.....adaptability helps with change...

I Love You all....thank you for your love and affection and prayers and making me laugh and cry, and being there for me.

Stacy

Want to hear my horoscope for today?

I'm a cancer the crab!

You must make a decision, even if none of the options will bring you exactly what you want. Keep in mind that this isn't about taking the easy way out. Instead, realize that there are no simple choices that can quickly fix the complexities of your life.

Ha...LOL ...there are no simple choices that can quickly fix the complexities of my life....YA THINK?...that is a major spot on horoscope. I rather thought so.

Yesterday I met with a new plastic surgeon. Loved him! He took his time with me...showed me pictures and everything. SO you want to know the problem? He does not have privledges at the same hospital as my surgeon...(who I haven't spoken to in a week) and he is not on my health insurance as an "in Network provider".... Only two big walls to climb over.

So....I decided to let my breast surgeon go...and I promptly got another breast surgeons number...one that my new plastics guy recommended. And guess what...I have an appointment this morning...and they have already scheduled surgery for tuesday of the coming week. WOW..now that is fast. I am 29 days out from diagnosis, haven't spoken to my breast surgeon in a week, even after leaving numerous messages..etc. and I call this doctor and I am in thier office in a day, and they scheduled surgery already!

That my friends is progress...taking the bull by the horns...because I am so tired of no one doing anything. Oh another thing my breast surgeon, the first one.. has now lost my MRI pictures...no where to be found. The second set of films that her office has 'misplaced'. So I called my oncologists office to get a new set printed and have to drive basically 45 minutes to get there....but as they were printing my films...the machine jammed and therefore...no luck with those films..Hopefully sometime tomorrow we can get them. Amazing huh?

I went to my oncologist office yesterday and got my livestrong bracelet as well as my livestrong binder. This is all from Lance Armstrongs live strong foundation. They say that you are a cancer survivor from the minute that you are diagnosed with cancer...I like that! Well they had me pick out a little bottle that they cover with clay..they are called bottle's of hope...they are chemo bottles decorated with polymere clay designs...so so pretty. You can go to the office on the 3rd saturday of the month and decorate one for a patient. I am going to go to the June one with my little one and decorate a botte. She is so excited!

So today is the new breast surgeon...tomorrow another doctor..and then hopefully tuesday we can go and get the surgery!

I read a lot last night from my livestrong notebook...and I will write some of my thoughts down..as well about how i feel and how this journey is enfolding in my life..oh when I was reading last night a journal entry that is in the folder, one of the men who was battling cancer said..." I hear people say that cancer was the best thing that ever happened to them...he said He just wants to just punch someone in the face that says that." I thought that was funny....because I said that...maybe it will be the best thing that ever happened to me...in the way of helping others, understanding our own limitations, learning to ask for help, and learning to understand the complexities of relationships....not only with your family but friends, doctors, strangers, insurance companies, etc.

I took my little one to the doctor..her tummy has been bothering her...I think that it could be nerves..and I told the doctor what was going on with me and he didn't even look up from his computer screen..didn't even bat an eyelash..just grunted..not that I expected anything like "oh that's too bad.." but something more than a grunt would have been "polite" I would say.

Crazy world...beautiful world...scary world...it is what you make it...it's all in your mind!

love to all..

Stacy

Ok...so Tomorrow I am at the plastic surgeon...Thursday I have an appointment with my breast surgeon, and guess what? I have been advised to go to my annual as well ....so I'm with the gyno on Friday morning! Want to make sure that everything is ok there as well, because sometimes breast cancer and ovarian cancer go hand in hand...I'm sure I am fine...

AND THEN.................

Next week for the surgery I think?

Good Day everyone ! It's tuesday morning and I just want to say thank you everyone for your emails and calls...it means so much to me.

Today I am going to meet with at photographer to actually take some pictures before everything begins..His name is Wayne and he is really good. (Decided not to use him...used Lori instead..) I want this to not only be a journal journey but a photo journey as well. He and I had a long talk last night so I wanted to capture some very pretty and tasteful pictures of me pre surgery and actually during the reconstruction and after. Sound crazy? Probably but what have I got to loose? I would say nothing. I am actually realizing that all these little things in life...the little things like the house being perfectly neat..take the back seat to this ride. Funny how that happens. Once when my mom was really sick, and had respitory arrest...the doctors looked at me and said..."Nothing in the world matters...if you can't breathe."

That really stuck with me...it's a message that is so true..without breathing you die..and nothing else matters. So everyday I wake up..stretch and take a really big deep breath, fill my body with air...and breathe. It's the first step to taking the journey for the day, and when I get really upset...I remember to breathe...it's amazing to bring a life into the world...you have to breathe...Sean talked to me a lot about deep breathing...it balances you..energizes you..fills you up with the courage to conquer the world....one breath at a time..

I'll write more later....

Do you believe that everything that has happened in your life previous to this present day prepares you for the challenges that come your way? I was talking with a friend of mine this morning and I think that for me at least...my life has not always been that easy, some people are fortunate that they have the "Beaver Cleaver" life and I wonder in my mind if that is fortunate really?

So I lost my bio-father at an early age (5) and that was hard, and I knew him only a little bit but really it is like you always have to say "my dad died when I was little". My mother was not a really happy person when I was growing up, and that was hard to deal with as a kid. There were many rough years..many of them I spent strugging emotionally.

At the age of 18 I was on my own..struggling..going to school and working and just surviving..

I realized something today that for me at least life has thrown me some hard curve balls, and I swung..I may have missed a few...but for sure some of them I hit out of the park. This curve ball...this pretty pink curve ball that is coming my way...I'm going to hit this one out of the park and into orbit!

I'm going to share my story, all of my fears, all of my triumphs and set backs and If I help just one person..I will have completed my mission.

Every story that I hear...is so different...we are all sisters in breast cancer....but the stories are all different. I learn something everyday, something that I cherish, and keep for me and hold close to my soul.

I spoke to my sister-in-law Kim this morning she is just so sweet, and shared a story with me about a friend of her's who had gone through this as well..I will say something really at least I have a cancer that has a wide net of support. I thank God for that..

Stacy

People have been through far worse and have come up smiling!

I love that saying...resonates inside really deep actually. I'm happy today..had some really good conversations with some great people today, and appreciate them taking the time to spend talking.

This week hopefully we will have a lot of answers! I'm looking forward to it actually.

Talk tomorrow!

Stacy

I was asking this morning if I prayed hard enough will it just go away? I heard of a story where that happened...

So I am on probably a hundred prayer chains...Thank Goodness ! I think all the chatter in my head will die down, when I finally make the decision to do what I need to do..but the unknown still lurks down deep within the sick boobie. When they do take everything out...what will the result be?

I'm going to have a good day #24 and go and get some lunch...don't eat that much anymore..not a good appetite...

I'm happy today..I'm smiling today..it's really sunny outside right now and almost 100 degrees..

I love life...I choose forgiveness...I choose Living.

My head is spinning...

Changing ones mind – a very useful tool for surviving in the modern world. I rate people as being smart if they can change their minds about one of their cherished beliefs when better evidence arrives. Is there really any other method that works? So what if I believed one thing yesterday and one thing today – everything that has happened between then and now has contributed to a new understanding and therefore my views have changed.

Thinking at this point I may just throw up...don't have anything in my tummy so probably not a good idea. Went to see my oncologist last night, who so happens to be a very good friend as well..I sat in his office from 4-6pm and he talked to me about everything. I asked him if this was his wife what would he do...he said no question a mastectomy. So as we went over my MRI films on the computer screen..I couldn't help but get distracted by the pretty mountains out the window (those who know me well, understand the ADD thingie..so being disrtacted while I look at my cancer on a screen..not too suprising) ..and how basically that is what is in front of me. I have a mountain to climb..and I'm going to take that b*tch one step at a time!

I went to see him last night because I had to go and see the plastic surgeon this morning. I really listened to him talk and the one thing he said that resonated within me was 'You have a choice right now, Choose Life over Death'..'You are lucky right now because some women don't have that choice' So in choosing LIFE that means: I basically have to have a mastectomy and I am not sure after talking with the plastic surgeon if I am going to do both boobies....

Well I thought that after talking to him I would be so sure of my decision. Amazing to look down and contemplate actually removing a healthy breast, that I really like..
I know that you actually loose all sensation in the nipple after the mastectomy, and usually with a nipple sparing mastectomy you will just have a nipple that is yours but it is not functioning at all. It doesn't respond to cold or touch or anything...just sits pretty. (Well Lucky me...mine works and I can feel yea!)

I asked my plastic surgeon why he wasn't saying to me: 'You are going to be fine, and you will be happy with your results'...He said that he couldn't say that to me, the only thing he could say to me was: 'I will get the best results, for your body and the way it responds to surgery'.....NIIIIICCCCEEEE.....Now....I'm thinkin no friggin way he is touchin' my right good boobie. Nope...I don't care if I have one fake and one real...so what..best of both worlds really...

So for the like 100 millionth time I have now decided on May 16, 2008 at 3:44 pm to just do the left breast mastectomy with a sentinal node biopsy. My oncologist also mentioned that I had Norplant Birth Control in my left arm, and there have been incidinces of breast cancer with patients who had norplant in the corresponding breast of the arm where it was implanted...that sucks! Cancer Sucks...

I actually feel really good about this decision now...I wasn't too happy thinking about loosing both breasts...So again I have to call my surgeon and let her know I changed my mind again (my perogitive) and just want one boobie mastectomy with reconstruction. Right boobie...off limits! Actually I am going to bring a Sharpie...who's slogan is WRITE OUT LOUD! with me on the day of the surgery and write on my right boobie OFF LIMITS!!!! DO NOT TOUCH...WRONG BOOBIE...think they will get the message?? ( of course this may change tomorrow or in an hour)

I think the recovery for one boobie will be so much better, and the length of the surgery will be better, and also me having one real boobie will make me feel less of a cancer reject!

So right now with all of the information that I am armed with: Saw my surgeon, saw my oncologist, saw the plastics guy..the multiple xrays and MRI's and needle sticks and driving and calling and scheduling, and crying, and laughing, and just sitting and staring off into space...I think that this is my final answer!

We will see what tomorrow will bring...waiting for a call from my oncologist, and my surgeon tonight or this weekend.

Melissa and Heather thank you so much for all of your input and thoughts..I love you for being so right there for me no questions asked..and sharing your story! Jacki D. thanks for all of the emails of support, Everyone...thank you!

That's all folks!

Love to all!

Stacy

Hi all...so I was wondering how hard is it for you all to read my inner most feelings and stresses and pain...I bet it is hard...so that is why I asked if you don't want to have me update you...let me know..

I layed in the bathtub last night until I actually lost weight..because I was in there for about 2 hours... kept draining the water and adding more and the funny thing is I didn't even have to move. I just unplugged the tub with my toes..then turned on the hot water with my foot and shut it off. Amanda kept coming in and checking on me..berto too..who walks in with his eyes covered..that is so funny. Berto's friend Nicky came in too she sat on the tuffett and showed me her pictures from her prom that she went to in New York...I covered up my girly bits with bubbles and a shirt..So I am soaking in the tub with a shirt and a parade of people coming in and out.

Bella the puppers came in too...she was licking my arm and then licking my face...ugh...Berto came in again to complain that his girlfriend and he were fighting and he didn't know what to do...Ray came bouncing in after she was at her girfriends house for dinner...Rob came over and yelled about Berto's ticket and then came in later to apologise, but by that time I was crying...

My phone kept ringing...I guess I should have shut it off..talked to my uncle..and jason my cousin who have been so wonderful to me..talked to Lori at least three times she was making sure I was still above water...talked to Janine, and Sharon and my mom...just everyone who is so kind to take the time to talk with me.

So my little bubble bath lasted hours with a parade of people coming in and on the phone and all I have to say is i'm lucky and i'm thankful...

Love to all...

Stacy

Well.....hello...no surgery on Friday as planned....but I will have surgery on Tuesday at 12:30 for another MRI...this one is an MRI guided biopsy to check if the DCIS is in fact DCIS...which is Ductal Carcinoma In Situ...it could be more DCIS..or it could be scar tissue from my previous Lumpectomy...or it could be invasive carcinoma..So of the three...hmmm. lets see I choose scar tissue...

So my next appointment is with a plastic surgeon on Friday morning...I will be discussing my options if I want to have a mastectomy...on the bad boobie..and actually I think that it may be my only option, why??? Because the site is actually pretty large of the bad tissue and if I had it removed I would not have a pretty boobie, which is important to me...and then I would have to undergo radio therapy (radiation). So if i choose the mastectomy then they would just go in and then take out the whole boobie and put in an expander under my muscle and it would look like a real boob. They even keep your nipple my doctor said as long as it is cancer free. Then in a couple of months the doctor would then put in the actual implant...

Wow how much fun is this! If I had the mastectomy then no radiation....I hear...but wait..if it is in your lymph nodes, which they will biopsy once I do the actual surgery..then radiation and you guessed it CHEMO! WOW...that will be so much fun! Can you tell that I'm a bit pissy!

Now this is what I have to think of...we want the next biopsy on Tuesday to only show DCIS, or scar tissue..not invasive carcinoma...(which could be a posibility because I stole my chart and read it). Then my options are this: Decide to get the lumpectomy and have a deformed boobie, because they don't do implants with lumpectomies...and then weeks of radiation... OR Get a mastectomy keep my nipple or not depending on cancer which I won't know until the actual surgery, and not have to do radiation..unless it is in my lymph nodes, which we won't know again until after my surgery....

But wait....another thought should I do the other breast at the same time...double mastectomy! That was another option brought up by my surgeon today...Ayy why not..then I will have a matching set of twins...not one fake one and one real one..

Oh my gosh...I can't even begin to digest all of this information...Boo tells me that I smell sick...when she hugs me she says I smell sick..I shower daily, I use perfume and I use deoderant...not sure what that means except I remember Sharon Osborne (Ozzy Osborne's wife) talking and saying that her daughter told her that she smelled sick and she had colon cancer...it's that sixth sense...

So next week we will find out after my biopsy #2 if we have invasive carcinoma or it is just DCIS or scar tissue...

My thoughts....I think that it is more than DCIS...I don't want it to be...but that might explain some things... We will see and hopefully my sixth sense is a bit skewed!

I will probably opt for the mastectomy..just because I don't want this to come back...will I do both boobies so I can have a perfect set of twins? Not sure, although I always did want twins...until I had my son....everyone can understand that comment...i love him to death...but one of him is more than the world can take!

I love you all....I will keep you up to date!

Stacy

Hello friends and family !

My surgery is set for this friday...so I am a a little nervous and then excited because I will no longer have the little nasty bad cells in my breast anymore. We don't know yet exactly what we are going to do in regards to the actual surgery...i will find out that tomorrow at the doctors office. Looks like I do not have clear margins around the dcis, about 5cm worth of "suspicious tissue" ugh so we will see what the actual procedure will be. Since I am larger than the average girl in breast size, I was told "this is to your advantage" so if they do have to take more than they thought I should be able to keep the boobie...we will find out tomorrow...

Am I scared? In sorting out my feelings, I would say that I have grown very fond and attached to my boobies...yes they are mine and I love them. The thought of maybe loosing one is not a happy thought and I think of all of the times I would say 'gosh if I only had smaller boobs' well....sometimes be careful for what you wish for...

Again this is my journey, whether I like it or not. So tomorrow I meet with my surgeon, and hopefully she will have a plastic surgeon in the op room just in case. i already talked with my oncologist and he said they tend to go with 'breast conservation' surgery than mastectomy because the breast conservation with radiation follow up is basically the same survival rate as mastectomy. See if I choose to have a mastectomy then no radiation for me...just cut and be done. Not something I want to do...

This is so crazy I will tell you. Today at my Oncologists office, which is a 140,000 square foot research facility that also has radiation, and chemo, and a cafe, and a store called illuminations and a library which is so great with computers to look things up. Everyone there is so unbelievably nice. Anyway today is "LiveStrong" day. Lance Armstrong has a non-profit call LiveStrong...and they are having a ceremony at 12:30 with the mayor of Las Vegas, and refreshments, and you can get your yellow bracelet...it is supposed to be fun. I thought that I would go...I asked Rob to go but he said no... So I might bring one of my older kids with me. Since that place will be my home away from home for the next 2 months I might as well get used to it.

Have to go to the hospital tomorrow for my pre-op as well. Just to get all of the blood work done etc, oh I better water up for the next couple of days to be super hydrated, so we don't have to go through the multiple sticks etc.

I will touch base tomorrow, let everyone know what the 'plan' is...Love to all..and thank you for your prayers, and YoYo..thank you so much for my mothers day card..I laughed my butt off and cried too! Yes, who'll never forget all the weird and wonderful stuff we've weathered over the years! I love you girl!

Stacy

Hi all...nothing much more to update actually. I am awaiting the MRI results and I am anxious about that. The thing is I want this to get moving so I can be done, and then I know next week it will all be starting.

Just wanted to update..not in a very talkative or writing mood...

bye !!!!

I'm sitting at the counter at my famlies Laguna Beach, beach house...It is a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I am watching my Grandmother wheel herself around the kitchen, Tash is baking a cake with Mom...Peter is sleeping outside, LJ is reading a magazine..and Lilly is walking around bugging Grams...Jean is putting cupcake paper in the cupcake pans..today is Okbar's birthday, so we are kinda celebrating pre-mothers day, and a birthday.

I feel really happy to be here and seeeing my Grams. Right now she is sitting in her chair messing with her zipper of her jacket. She is so cute...she is doing ok, she has liver cancer..I wanted to come up and spend some time with her before I have to start everything.

I can see the ocean at a distance it is really pretty and blue and I can see the current moving...and as I look further I can't see where the ocean ends and the sky begins except for a thin line of frosty white...

The past couple of days has been fun...just hanging out with family and friends and enjoying my time away before I have surgery next week.

More Later

The key to balancing your desire to be at peace with your everyday existence and everyday life is recognizing that there is no such things as stress; there are only people thinking stressful thoughts... It's really as simple as that. When you change the way you process the world, the world you're processing changes.

Stress is an inside job. It's what you create to cope I guess. But stress isn't something that you can see, or touch or buy or anything..it's all in your mind.

It's oppisite of what you believe or feel a thing or situation should be. It is something that goes against your grain, your expectations. And you create it.

So in learning about this new journey that I am starting, I know that at times I may want to run away, or hide or cry and it is all ok...but I must remember to balance those thoughts with the knowing that this is something I must endure, and live through...and know that I will be ok..

I wrote this for a friend...and I loved it...and I now know what practice what you preach means.....

Everyone has down days…so one small gentle step at a time…when I am really down, a little here, a little there…I will be ok…God never intended for people to cry alone, and is always close to those whose hearts are broken……and know that one day the pain of this world will be behind me. Until then, I won't waste the pain that comes my way… I will learn from it. Embrace it with one hand while holding tightly to God and whomever you I choose with the other.

Stacy

Hey....it's Rob's birthday today... He's 42...We're not doing much because he has two softball games tonight...one at 8pm and one at 9pm. The kids will go to the game...

He is not big on celebrating his birthday though...I on the other hand think that I should celebrate birthdays more....some wise person told me that!

I went to see my oncologist yesterday, got to see the chemo area..this is a great facility. I don't think I have to have chemo but they had to start an IV on me. They only had to poke me two times. I had my bilateral Breast MRI yesterday don't know the results as of yet, but we will find out tomorrow.

I'm going to California tomorrow to visit with my Grandmother (she is suffering from cancer as well) and my mother and aunt and cousins and friends. Then I know after that I will not be able to go for a couple of months I would guess.

Well today has been pretty boring...I went to get some doctors reports and then I went to the Democratic Caucus Headquarters with my BFF she is the Campaign Manager for a good friend who is running for Assembly District 29 here so I am helping her as the assistant campaign manager.

It's fun! I love politics!...

Ok...so that's it...going to grab a bite to eat........

Stacy