Friday, May 16, 2008
Changing ones mind – a very useful tool for surviving in the modern world. I rate people as being smart if they can change their minds about one of their cherished beliefs when better evidence arrives. Is there really any other method that works? So what if I believed one thing yesterday and one thing today – everything that has happened between then and now has contributed to a new understanding and therefore my views have changed.
Thinking at this point I may just throw up...don't have anything in my tummy so probably not a good idea. Went to see my oncologist last night, who so happens to be a very good friend as well..I sat in his office from 4-6pm and he talked to me about everything. I asked him if this was his wife what would he do...he said no question a mastectomy. So as we went over my MRI films on the computer screen..I couldn't help but get distracted by the pretty mountains out the window (those who know me well, understand the ADD thingie..so being disrtacted while I look at my cancer on a screen..not too suprising) ..and how basically that is what is in front of me. I have a mountain to climb..and I'm going to take that b*tch one step at a time!
I went to see him last night because I had to go and see the plastic surgeon this morning. I really listened to him talk and the one thing he said that resonated within me was 'You have a choice right now, Choose Life over Death'..'You are lucky right now because some women don't have that choice' So in choosing LIFE that means: I basically have to have a mastectomy and I am not sure after talking with the plastic surgeon if I am going to do both boobies....
Well I thought that after talking to him I would be so sure of my decision. Amazing to look down and contemplate actually removing a healthy breast, that I really like..
I know that you actually loose all sensation in the nipple after the mastectomy, and usually with a nipple sparing mastectomy you will just have a nipple that is yours but it is not functioning at all. It doesn't respond to cold or touch or anything...just sits pretty. (Well Lucky me...mine works and I can feel yea!)
I asked my plastic surgeon why he wasn't saying to me: 'You are going to be fine, and you will be happy with your results'...He said that he couldn't say that to me, the only thing he could say to me was: 'I will get the best results, for your body and the way it responds to surgery'.....NIIIIICCCCEEEE.....Now....I'm thinkin no friggin way he is touchin' my right good boobie. Nope...I don't care if I have one fake and one real...so what..best of both worlds really...
So for the like 100 millionth time I have now decided on May 16, 2008 at 3:44 pm to just do the left breast mastectomy with a sentinal node biopsy. My oncologist also mentioned that I had Norplant Birth Control in my left arm, and there have been incidinces of breast cancer with patients who had norplant in the corresponding breast of the arm where it was implanted...that sucks! Cancer Sucks...
I actually feel really good about this decision now...I wasn't too happy thinking about loosing both breasts...So again I have to call my surgeon and let her know I changed my mind again (my perogitive) and just want one boobie mastectomy with reconstruction. Right boobie...off limits! Actually I am going to bring a Sharpie...who's slogan is WRITE OUT LOUD! with me on the day of the surgery and write on my right boobie OFF LIMITS!!!! DO NOT TOUCH...WRONG BOOBIE...think they will get the message?? ( of course this may change tomorrow or in an hour)
I think the recovery for one boobie will be so much better, and the length of the surgery will be better, and also me having one real boobie will make me feel less of a cancer reject!
So right now with all of the information that I am armed with: Saw my surgeon, saw my oncologist, saw the plastics guy..the multiple xrays and MRI's and needle sticks and driving and calling and scheduling, and crying, and laughing, and just sitting and staring off into space...I think that this is my final answer!
We will see what tomorrow will bring...waiting for a call from my oncologist, and my surgeon tonight or this weekend.
Melissa and Heather thank you so much for all of your input and thoughts..I love you for being so right there for me no questions asked..and sharing your story! Jacki D. thanks for all of the emails of support, Everyone...thank you!
That's all folks!
Love to all!
Stacy
